I do not want your sympathy that's not my reason for creating this post. I've connected with many other women via internet who are struggling with this same problem & they're a big part of my support system. My story may make just 1 women feel like they're not alone or worthless. I know that feeling & opening up to others who are dealing with infertility has helped me.
My whole entire life all I ever really wanted to be was a wife & mother. It's my dream to have a houseful of kids living on a farm with my husband. Chris &I have tried for almost 2 years to make this dream a reality. On July 30th 2013, after 14 months of trying we sought out medical help & the Dr visits, scans, procedures have been unending since then. And today after 16 failed natural cycles, 2 failed clomid cycles, & 4 failed medicated IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycles I will call my reproductive endocrinologist to discuss moving forward with IVF (Invitro fertilization).
The emotions are simply unexplainable.... There are no words, crushed, devastated, & heartbroken don't come close to describing the pain of not being able to carry a child. I long for the feeling of my child inside of me & I'll do anything to make it happen. I'd give anything to have morning sickness & any other uncomfortable feeling that goes along with being pregnant. To me it would be the most comforting discomfort in the world. I'd give anything to have 1 baby, 1 healthy pregnancy! My faith in God is what has gotten me this far. My faith has strengthened because of this & for that I am thankful. Now we're here at the last step & I'm so scared that this too will fail. I had all the faith in the world that IUI would work for us, even the Dr did. & now here we are. I never dreamed we'd be here.
There are times i just want to curl up in a ball not move & cry all day long, but you have no choice but to go on. Life doesn't stop, even though in some ways I feel my life is at a halt. I'm so thankful to have Chris who is so supportive & allows me to work part time. With the stress of this & full time work I'd surely go insane. As if the emotional & physical stress isn't enough IVF costs upwards of $20,000 which insurance does not cover. Which should be against the law. It covers at least a portion of just about every other disease out there. But if you're suffering from infertility oh well you're on your own.
With IVF the monitoring, tests, & meds are even more intense. I'm scared & worried about what is to come in the next 2 months. If it works I'd endure anything at this point! Heck they could chop my legs off if it meant I'd become a mother.
Sometimes it's hard not to & it's human nature to question God. When u see drug addicts who are pregnant & you long to be a mother but I just remind myself of God's promises & he does have a reason. I ask for prayer from anyone reading this. There is power in numbers.
I tell you, you can PRAY for anything & if you BELIEVE that you've received it. It will be yours. -Mark 11:24
I knew that you and Chris were having some trouble but I did not know it was to this extent. I am so sorry for you struggles and I pray that it all works out. I know what you mean when you question God. After I lost my twins, I saw a car at the grocery store with small children in it. It was not hot out, but the mother had just left them while she went in the store. That is when I did my questioning. I love you both sooooo much and if there is ever anything I can do, even though we are not just down the street, please do not hesitate to ask!! My thoughts are with you and keep me updated.
ReplyDeleteTara, I have seen what you are saying, we have been in your place. With that said, My wife and I met when I was 26 and she was 23. I already had 2 kids from my first marriage which failed, I got custody from their mother who turned her back on the kids while trying to start her new life with a husband she only knew a few months. We moved on and my current wife which I have been married to for 18 years. She became their mother while all the time we tried too have a child of our own a child she could call all hers. We tried from the time we met cause I wanted to do nothing but give her children from the time we met in 1995. We went to Dr.'s and being told things like stress, pressure from people too have kids was putting a strain on our marriage and our ability to have kids. We eventually were told that my wife would never bear children. We kinda gave up trying so hard to do so. Eventually in 1998 my wife became pregnate while we lived with her parents, and we started our new life in Feb. 1999 and my wife gave birth to our daughter Katie.
ReplyDeleteTara, God will let it happen when he thinks you are ready, or it might not happen and you need too look into adoption. I know you and know you will be a great mother when the time comes.
We are praying for you two and give it some time, til then you are the mother to all your animals.
Tara I know exactly what you are going through. I have been there. I did everything possible except for IUI and IVF, which If I could have afforded it, I would have done it. I would do anything to be a mom to and I mean anything. I had all the test, scans, blood work, medicines, etc and still nothing. I could get pregnant but would miscarry soon after. And every month Im devastated and hurt cause this is what I want most of all. I just want you to know, you are not alone. I know the hurt and pain. Im praying for yall and I hope that you can have your dream. Keep your head sweetheart. Its gonna happen in Gods timing.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you and your husband are going through this. It's terrifying to know how many woman, especially young woman are faced with this battle. I pray this brings you and& your husband even closer, that God gives you the strenghth to endure and that you receive his blessings. Praying that will mean a healthy baby for y'all. It's so hard to understand why drug addicts and others who really don't want children have them so easily, while others struggle so much. As Christians we know God has his own plans, but I am sure this doesn't ease your heartbreak. My thoughts and prayers are with y'all.
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