So many emotions

I have so many emotions running through me I can't even begin to explain this feeling. It's as if I'm floating on a cloud at the thought that very soon we will be bringing our baby boy into this world. This perfect little human that God, Chris, and I made. The miraculousness of it is just far beyond words so I won't even try. My heart is about to explode, I have tears  welling up in my eyes at the thought of seeing OUR son for the first time, touching his precious skin and getting the opportunity to do everything I've ever dreamed of... Be a mother. I am a little nervous at the thought of labor and the pain. Will I be able to do this? Of course, all mothers go through this. My body is made for this. When it wasn't so long ago I remember fearing my body would never get to experience this. I embrace this and with every second of pain I am going to try to remember this is nothing absolutely nothing in comparison to the pain of never getting to experience it and 10 months ago that's where we were living with the fear this would never be. God is a miracle worker, he created this miracle for me and I praise Him for it with all my heart. My heart is full I can't wait to show everyone our blessing very soon. May God bless Grayson's little body and he be healthy, amen.

Unexplainable...

I remember when I used to write these blog posts and struggle to try to explain the feelings of emptiness and depression that I felt. It was like there were no words to come close to explain what I was feeling, and there weren't, there still isn't. But today I sit here without words to explain the fullness in my heart. To explain to anyone that hasn't been down this road how grateful, how blessed, how overwhelmed with joy that I am is impossible. We go through struggles to appreciate the joys in life. Without a doubt all mothers love their children, all mothers feel an overwhelming love and I'm sure most mothers think that there is no other child in the world loved as much as their's. Not that I think I am or will be a better mother than the other mothers out there, but I will be a better me than I would have been had I not gone through the heartache through the loss. When you struggle for something and obtain it, that something always means more than if you had not struggled. I am overwhelmed and when I say overwhelmed it's because of lack of other words to explain it. Just the thought of my boys tiny toes, his little fingers and nose sends a feeling through me that I will never come close to explaining. It's a love so far beyond what I can even comprehend let alone explain. And I know that love will only grow when I hold him in my arms. I've told Hubby that i don't know how I will even contain mysel, I may sob with joy for days. Today I just feel so thankful. I walk in his room and I praise God for allowing me to experience this! Thank you Lord for giving me this little boy that was meant just for us. As sad as I was with every failed attempt with every day, week, month and year that passed being childless it brought me to this child the one that was meant for us and had it happened years ago like we'd planned it wouldn't be Grayson it just wouldn't be the same! Thank you for that God, beyond words THANK YOU!!

This baby is a miracle

I want to cherish all the little details, every single moment.

With mine and hubby's chaotic schedules some weeks it can be difficult to find the time to spend any real quality time together. This past week he worked six 12 hour nights and on his one day off he worked around the house. The mornings are usually our time to catch up with each other and talk about how our day/night went.

Last night we both worked so we both arrived home this morning at about the same time got into bed at about the same time and layed there just talking and spending time as a family. It feels so good to say that... "A family".

It took what seemed like forever before Chris ever got to feel our boy kick and until today he still had not seen how active our little guy is. And this morning Grayson was very active. We both sat and stared at our boy (my belly) moving around in amazement. It's time like these I'll never get back, and I don't want to ever forget. Tears fall from my eyes at the thought of how fast time flies and how so completely and totally in love I am with this miraculous baby that is growing inside me.

We talked this morning about how bittersweet time is... All you want is to see your baby grow yet at the same time all I want is for time to stand still. And I know that once he's outside my womb that feeling will be even more profound. I am so thankful for all our hardships, heartbreaks and all our struggles concieving this boy. Because of all that we endured I will cherish every little moment. I am a better mother because of what we've endured. Until there is no breath left in my body I will love this little guy with all that I have in me. On those nights when I have no sleep I will thank God for it. On those days when I am overwhelmed I will thank God for it. And I pray that I always remember how special and how blessed I am even through the trying times, the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums and teenage years I want to remember that this baby is a miracle!

12 weeks 5 days

Today Chris and I were driving to Greensboro to my OB's office for our NT scan and first trimester screening blood work. I hadn't allowed myself to get nervous until the drive there then all I could think about was the last time I was in that ultrasound room was about 1 year ago when we got the most horrific news we could have ever imagined. I felt like crying and had a knot in my throat in fear that something horrible would be found today.

We arrived to the office and got into the room and a peace came over me and I just knew that everything was going to be alright. The scan proceeded and we saw our jumping little healthy baby pop up on the monitor. He/she was jumping all around arms were swinging and its healthy little heart was just a beating. God is so good and I feel overwhelmed by this blessing growing inside me. We were able to see baby in 3d which was so amazing & got to view the baby from all views, we saw perfect little hands and fingers, little legs, his/her head and I declare our baby is just precious. I'm so in love already. To just think about the day I get to hold him/her in my arms makes me feel like my heart will explode with joy.

On our ride home this afternoon I stared at the print outs of all the photos from today and I could stare at them the rest of the night and not get tired of it. I am so amazed that God has allowed Chris and I to create this little life... To think it's part of us and love created this beautiful little baby. God is so amazing and I could never praise Him enough.

Never forgotten...

1 year ago today we found out our baby had went to heaven. Although today I am 11 weeks pregnant with another little miracle my heart will always ache every time I think of the life we lost. The past year has been the hardest of my life. At times I believed I'd never have the opportunity to carry another child and now that I am I'm terrified of losing this baby too. My heart won't truly be at peace until I hold a healthy baby in my arms....people say just relax stress is not good for the baby.  I know that but bottling up fears and emotions is far more stressful than letting your fears and real thoughts be known and being honest with myself and the ones I'm close too helps me to deal with the anxieties I have.

The baby I am carrying now was conceived with no help from modern medicine... No IUI, IVF, FET. When announcing this pregnancy I've had several people say "all in God's timing, people need to remember that" and "God is better than any doctor". Which is true everything in life happens in God's timing and God is better than anything or anyone. But God works through doctors and a little over a year ago God worked through my doctors to create the baby that we lost. I guess I feel that in some way people diminish the importance of the live we lost.... Which may be the defensive side of me coming out. In no way do I mean to attack anyone's good intentions. Even my husband has made similiar statements. The mother in me wants to protect the fact that baby mattered that baby was created in God's timing too it was no less real and important and it will NEVER be forgotten as long as I live.

We prayed for 1,095 days

He answered. For 3 years we have felt heartache that some days I felt like life couldn't possibly go on, like there was no way I could force myself to keep pushing through. The desire to carry a child has been with me for as long as I can remember and it never has nor never will go away. To know that I have OUR child OUR little miracle growing inside me is a feeling I wondered if I'd ever feel again. After 5 failed IUIs, IVF and a miscarriage, losing 5 embryos during thaw, 2 failed frozen embryo transfers we became pregnant by the power of God! The cycle after we used our very last embryo God said "It's time!!".

Just when I was getting to the point of our infertility journey that I was coming to grips with the thought that it was a very real possibility it may never happen He showed me otherwise. My thoughts had shifted from a daily ache of longing for a baby to trying to fulfill my life in other ways. We had started camping again and just doing fun stuff together, just enjoying living. The past 6 months I have tried to just thank God for what I did have where I was in life and all the things I had been blessed with. I was so relaxed that for the first time in 3 years I wasn't tracking my cycles and wasn't even 100% sure of the day of my last period.  We went camping in the shanandoah mountains June 11th-15th. I'm always on the go up bright & early and go, go, go all day. I'm always looking for adventure when we're camping wanting to hike and see the sights. This trip I wanted to nap everyday and it was so hot I wanted to stay in the RV's air conditioning and lay around. We rode into town one day to pick up a few things and I told Chris I was going to grab some pregnancy tests.... My exact words "I know I'm not pregnant, but just to be sure". I didn't even take one immediately when we got back because I didn't really believe it would be positive. I later took the test and immediately the test line was as dark as could be. I knew right then I was pregnant. In shock and shaking I slammed the bathroom door open and told him "I'm pregnant!!!".  He needed some reassurance that "those tests" are accurate. I assured him it was... After all I had obsessively taken hundreds of them in the past 3 years, I knew! When we returned from our trip I called my reproductive endocrinologist to let them know I'd gotten a positive test, I came in for a blood test and my hcg levels were >5000! I most certainly am pregnant with a miracle from God.

Since then we've had 2 ultrasounds the first at 7 weeks and heard the heartbeat. The second at 9 weeks where we got to hear the heartbeat again and see a perfectly formed little baby with 2 arms and legs and he/she even gave us a little wave. During my last pregnancy I had purchased a fetal doppler that I never got to use. We've been listening to the heartbeat a couple of times a week to reassure ourselves that things are still going good. We are beyond ecstatic! At the same time we are also scared after what we've been through. Daily we are praying for that little heart to continue beating strong and for us to hold our healthy baby come February.

I am so proud of our God and the miracles He has performed!

I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. -Isaiah 66:9

Can't catch a break...

Went back to my reproductive endocrinologist last Thursday for a baseline ultrasound. Everything looked good, so I started meds the same day in preparation for frozen embryo transfer later this month. I go back on April 15th for a mid cycle ultrasound. If everything looks good I will have begin progesterone injections and embryo transfer will tentatively be scheduled for April 22nd.

I had labs drawn at my appointment last week and found out my TSH level was 0.044 which is pretty low. I've been referred to an endocrinologist, my RE believes I have hyperthyroidism. The more I read about treatment options and possible causes the more scared I become. This is something new. Last year my thyroid levels were normal. So it scares me as to what could be causing this. So I'm just praying for the best.

Supplements

I started supplements this week. Below is a list of what I'm taking for any of my fellow TTCers that want to add supplements to their treatment plan. I am following the recommendations of  Rebecca Fett author of  "It Starts with the Egg", which I highly recommend if you're considering adding of the below supplements.

Ubiquinol There is an entire chapter in the book with the explanation and benefits of Ubiquinol which is the active form of COQ10. Other versions of COQ10 are not as easily absorbed as Ubiquinol. It is a natural molecule in the body, and plays an important role in energy production throughout the body. The energy that is needed during egg maturation plays a huge role in the quality of our eggs. If you're interested in the exact scientific function in has on your eggs.... get the book... read it, it explains it all in detail. Recommended dose: 600mg daily.

Vitamin E  is believed to be helpful for people dealing with unexplained infertility, which is the category that I fall into. I was initially diagonsed with PCOS by my obgyn, was told later by my RE that I probably do not have PCOS. We were then diagnosed with low sperm motility and count which was corrected with supplements. So now I fall into the unexplained infertility category. Vitamin E is believed to compensate for the antioxidant levels that decline as women age. The book recommends no more than 200IU daily.

Vitamin C  is a natural antioxidant that is found in large amounts in ovarian follicles. Studies were dones on mice that proved that Vitamin E & C were shown to prevent ovarian decline with age. Vitamin C also improved quality of pig embryos in a lab study. Recommended dose: 500mg daily.

Alpha Lipoic Acid also has antioxidant properties which can play a role in egg quality. Best forms to get are R Lipoic acid or R-alpha lipoic acid which is more easily absorbed. Studies have shown that in women with PCOS it has regulated ovulation. Recommended dose: 100mg or 600mg daily. (I'm doing 100mg)

N-acetyl Cysteine This one may be the one that impressed me the most. There have been studies that showed women undergoing fertility treatments pregnancy rated increased by 20% when taking N-acetyl Cysteine. It was also proven in studies to increase the quality and number of fertilized eggs in mice. It also acts as antioxidant. It is also recommended for women who have suffered recurrent miscarriages. Recommended dose: 600mg per day.

Prenatal Vitamin is nothing new for me, I've been on it for almost 3 years now. The folic acid contained in prenatal vitamins are play a HUGE role in preventing birth spina bifida and other neural tube defects. Most doctors recommend any woman of child bearing age to take folic acid daily.... I know this not only from the book but from working with a doctor who prescribes it regularly for women.

I will take this combination for at least 4 months before attempting another IVF cycle. We are looking towards another fresh cycle this summer or early fall. I'm also cutting out all plastic cookware due to the effects BPA has on fertility, do the research it's proven to cause infertility. I'm also trying to cut out a lot sweets and foods that contain preservatives.

Changes...

I got the book "It starts with the egg" by Rebecca Feit. I've been reading it, taking notes and doing my own research as I go along. This book is going to hopefully change my life for the better & in the process I pray we have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I've decided when we finish out this weeks groceries we will be switching over to a more organic, less preservatives, cutting out refined carbs diet. We will be getting rid of all the plastics in our home that we can. I will be changing over all of our cleaning & personal care items to phthalate free products. After reading about the effects of BPA & phthalate & other chemicals on infertility & our health in general I want them gone! I've always believed that environmental factors play a role in many diseases, but I've never done any research or looked into the studies done on this sort of thing. There are numerous scientifically proven studies that show items containing  these products cause infertility.

The opening quote in this book reads "only I can change my life, no one can do it for me" - Carol Burnett. That couldn't be more true. Whether this process helps bring a biological child to us or not we will know without a doubt wr gave it our all. It can only benefit our lives, it surely won't hurt.... Well it may hurt the pocket book a little initially until we get everything switched over & learn what to buy when grocery shopping, but we will adjust. This is going to be a learning process. I've always ate junk food, never gave a second thought to what foods I pop into my mouth, or what effects products I use could have on my health. This is going to have to be a new way of thinking.

I'm excited about things moving forward. Next month we will be attempting our last FET cycle from our initial IVF. It had to be delayed another cycle due to the lab at our clinic closing for cleaning of equipment. If this cycle fails,the plan is to attempt another fresh cycle IVF around August or September.

Transfer #3

It's that time, embryo transfer #3. I had to make a call to the on call RE this morning. I start meds tomorrow, estrogen tablets 2mg twice a day & estrogen patches every 3 days starting tomorrow. I have to call back Monday to schedule a delayed baseline ultrasound since AF showed at the worst possible time (on a Friday night) and the office was closed for the weekend. I have been so anxious today anticipating this whole cycle. After my baseline ultrasound this week I will go back in 2 more weeks for a midcycle ultrasound then start progesterone injections daily until transfer day which I anticipate will be around the 19th or 20th. I have had 4 months off now... no appointments, no meds, and no stress related to this whole process. I dread transfer day because I honestly do no believe this one remaining embryo is going to make it through thaw. Last transfer we lost 4 embryos during thaw, and the two that we did have transferred weren't looking strong, and obviously didn't make it either. So losing 6 embryos doesn't give me high hopes for this one. I wish I could just know... but I have to go through pills, patches, shots for weeks and the anxiety of the build up to that day before we will know for sure. Maybe since I'm expecting a letdown this time I will be surprised, I always pray for a miracle.

The plan... (For now at least)

Been doing a lot of thinking about our upcoming FET in March & I'm getting scared & nervous. Most of all im excited to jump back into trying again because I'm more scared of not doing anything. Although 3 months of not doing anything has been exactly what I needed both emotionally & physically. I didnt realize the toll all those meds were taking on my body until they were out of my system. For the past year I had been on some type of infertility drug. I'm praying so hard this cycle is a success but we have realistic expectations now with all the failures we have had & I feel like emotionally I'm more prepared this go round. If this cycle is a bust we have decided to finish out our 2 remaining IVF attempts this year before moving on with an adoption agency. After all, we did pay for a shared risk program & we may as well give it our all. I'm excited at what this year may bring... It will either bring me a healthy pregnancy & baby or I will have final closure on this chapter before we move on. Either way most of all I hope to keep peace knowing that whatever happens is meant to be & I will get through it.

Saturdays are hard

My egg retrieval was on Saturday May 24th, and our baby was concieved that day, so every Saturday is just hard because I'm reminded of where I would have been in my pregnancy. Today would have been 38 weeks. In 2 weeks is our due date, and it gets harder the closer we get to that date. Its hard not to think about what could have been. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about where we go from here and our plans for the future. We haven't actively done anything in regards to infertility since November and I know its only January but every day that ticks by without a baby in my life seems like a lifetime. My 30th birthday is also coming up and I honestly dread it. I hate the fact that I'm turning 30 childless. If you have the motherly desire there truly is a biological clock & mine ticks loudly. Sure I have 10 years but that's a very short amount of time when I look back at how fast the past ten years have passed. My desire to have a houseful of babies will never be and that's the raw truth that I live with. My dream of having 4 kids is gone, now I just pray for 1 healthy baby and I don't care how it happens, I don't even have to biologically have a child. I want the child the God has intended for me whatever way that happens.

It has been 5 months since my d&c & my body is still not regulated. We had planned to have done our last frozen embryo transfer by now, but we're still waiting. The last 3 years have been spent waiting. I'm back and forth about the plans for this year in regards to building our family. I will take things one day at a time when it comes to my decisions and I may change my mind. But I will do what I feel is best for my body and my peace of mind. Today I've done a lot of thinking about doing another fresh ivf cycle later in the year. I think I want to exhaust all of our ivf attempts before moving on with an adoption agency. If God places a child in our lives before that time comes we will persue adoption without a doubt. But I think I want to close the door to ivf before we open another in regards to getting involved with an adoption agency.

I pray for discernment & peace in the decisions on which path we decide to take. This whole process can take a toll on your mind if you allow it too, sometimes it's a difficult battle to stay positive. And in regards to that I'm not where I need to be, but Lord knows I'm not where I used to be & praise Him for that. Prayer is my defence against those horrible thoughts from the devil who is working hard to steal my joy.

The baby that only God & I held...

Today would have marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I would have been holding our little miracle in my arms any day now. 

Some days the pain is just as real as it was the day I lay on the exam table & stared at our perfectly formed baby's little body the perfect little head, arms and legs and stared in silence waiting for a heartbeat then hearing the words "I'm so sorry the heart is not beating". I can still hear the piercing silence in that room that day. I was so angry so broken, more than broken I was and still am at times crushed into a million pieces. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever go a week without crying. I know I will, there was a time when I couldn't go a day & now I can. Healing takes time & the strength from God.

Sometimes I go back to the video of the last normal ultrasound, the flickering on the screen & the strong heartbeat. I will never forget that sound, I'm so thankful I can hear that heartbeat anytime I need to. My baby was real no one else got to hold her or love her as deeply as I did but she lived & always will be in my heart. There will never be a day that goes by as long as I'm living that I don't miss our baby. Some days are just worse than others.

And the break nears to an end...

I've tried to push my infertility to the back burner in my life & for the past month and a half I have been the happiest I've been in a while. The past few days I've been thinking and really not looking forward to going back to see my RE. In a approximately 3 weeks I'll be begin meds for another hopeful embryo transfer. Up until my last frozen embryo transfer I had high hopes that I'd one day carry my own child, but after losing 6 embryos in one day, my hopes aren't very high of that ever happening. We now have one embryo left & I truly dread starting meds again, feeling the way I feel on them for a month only to be told our last embryo didn't make it either. I want to to at least attempt this last embryo before moving towards adoption, if not it will be in the back of my mind & I'll wonder could it have made it? I've been so strong the last month that I dread the uneasy scary unknowing feeling that going through a frozen cycle entails. I'm scared of the finality of it, that after this it truly is over. But at the same I've been at peace with our decision & at this time I do not want to endure another fresh ivf cycle. My head hurts just thinking about it. My heart aches. I just want a baby whether I birth the baby or God sends me a baby through adoption I can honestly say I do not care, but I know I want to be a mother. I just have to stay strong, stay peaceful, stay happy, stay faithful until it is our time. I've said it a million times, I will never understand this. God give me peace.

Goodbye 2014

I'm happy to see a new year. I made it through 2014 even though at times I didn't think I would . Without a doubt I can honestly say it was the hardest year of my life. I lost a dream, I lost my baby, I lost 6 embryos, we lost about $25,000 toward infertility treatments, my husband lost his job & I lost my sanity at times. I've never seen sadness like I've seen this past year. In December things have finally started to look up, we've gained a lot, most importantly I found peace again, my husband found a new, better job & I found hope. I'm hopeful about what 2015 holds for us. My heart is still broken for the baby that I held for a short 10weeks, but I am excited about our journey in the coming year. I'll never stop missing our angel, but I know that God has great plans for us. We will do our last frozen embryo transfer in February, and the next step will be to pursue adoption in 2015. I'm nervous, excited, and scared but I know this will be a better year!

We've decided...

For now the plan is to transfer our last frozen embryo in the next 2 months if it makes it through thaw. If that cycle is unsuccessful we will move forward with our journey towards adoption. I've found peace and am excited about our new journey. I have grieved our loss of a biological child and I'm prepared to move in another direction. If it's in God's plan for me to bear a child He will make that happen in His time. But for the time being we will not pursue another IVF cycle. We will be open to adopting siblings. We would prefer a baby but would consider children 3 & younger. In the next 6 months we will be filling out lots of paperwork & getting everything ready to prepare our home for the home study & making sure we have everything childproofed. This is going to be a whole new direction that is going to be a long journey but I'm so hopeful that in the next couple of years we WILL have our family. Until then we have plans to do a little traveling & enjoying our time together. Whatever happens we are so blessed & I'm thankful for this journey as hard as its been, it has changed me for the better.

Big decisions

I get so angry when I make a post about infertility and some one who has no clue what a walk in these shoes is like posts an ignorant comment like "there's always adoption". Did they think we had never thought of that? We've spent the last 3 years of our lives down this journey, scraped and saved for IVF and that idea just totally slipped out minds. (Really?). I realize that by making our struggle public that there is always going to be comments from people that just dont have a clue, so i usually try to just keep my mouth closed when it comes to comments like those. The journey to parenthood can have many different paths you can't take them all at the same time. This is a process. For us our journey began like most peoples do we started trying to conceive our baby after a little over a year of being unsuccessful we consulted my doctor who shortly after medical testing had to refer us to the reproductive endocrinologist. Believe it or not we didn't just jump right into ivf we took steps to get to this point. We've prayed, cried, spent every day of our lives thinking and making these decisions. So when someone says "why don't you just adopt" it takes all that I have to not just bite their head off. It was our choice to take the path we've taken to make an attempt to have a biological child. We first have to be 100% confident we are ready emotionally and financially to start down a different path before moving into adoption. Adoption has its own road, its own stressors that are a completely different ball game from infertility treatments. If it were just so easy to say I'll just adopt & this whole problem will be solved we would have made that choice a long, long time ago. We never wanted the heartache we've been dealt. But adoption is not that easy, you can spend years waiting for a child, not to mention $25,000-40,000 to even get to that point. We are finally at the point in this journey that we are beginning to seriously consider adoption. But these are our decisions, no one elses. I don't share our story for your opinions or advice. I share our story to connect with other women who have been where I am at & for prayers from anyone that believes in the power of prayer.

We've been doing a lot of discussing about where we go from here, after we've had 8 embryos die. We obviously have a problem with the viability of our embryos. We have a couple of options to weigh one is PGD testing (pre-implantation diagnosis) which would test our embryos for genetic disorders prior to having them frozen or transferred. This will add an additional $5000-8000 to our IVF costs. So we are seriously considering ending our treatment journey in the coming months to pursue adoption whole heartedly. If we do make the decision to persue adoption I don't consider any of this a waste. This whole process has shaped me into a better person. We have a child awaiting us in heaven because of this journey & that alone is worth all the debt, all the tears, all the heartache we've endured. This is a huge decision for us that neither of us are 100% sure which option we will take. Just continuing to pray for Gods direction during this time. His plan will prevail & will be far beyond anything we could have ever imagined.

Time doesnt heal wounds... God does.

Looking back on my blog the majority of it is so depressing & sad to read. I usually write when I'm in my deepest pit to release the pain. The past couple of weeks I've been more at peace than I have in a very long time. Every single day I miss our baby, every single day I think about what life would be like if she were still living. In fact I would be 31 weeks pregnant this week. I will always wonder what could have been. But what could have been was not what was meant to be, and I must carry on, thank God for all the good things he's done & continues to do in our life.

This month is our first "break" since May of 2012. Not that we aren't still trying, I have pulled out the old fertility monitor this month. To most that's actively trying but to us this is a relaxed cycle. After going through IUIs, IVF, & FET this is about as relaxed as you can get. I am at peace, I'm not expecting to get pregnant this cycle but we will never stop trying. I've tried to draw close to God & find peace & God has surely drawn close to me. Chris & I have seen God's work in our lives the past few weeks, prayers about other stressors in our lives have been answered far beyond what we could have hoped for & I know God is saying "I've got this". He's showing us everyday He's hard at work & has great plans for us.

We aren't 100% sure about the timeframe for our future plans toward parenthood. But in the next 1-2 months we plan to do another IVF cycle. If that cycle isn't successful we will move towards the goal of adoption through foster care. We have lots if prepping to do to become certified in foster care so we will begin to work on that. We won't give up on having a biological child & will resume more IVF & FET cycles once we are settled into the life of foster care.

We will have beautiful babies in our lives. Until that time comes we are learning everyday that we can & are happy just the two of us. We are drawing closer to each other through this journey & I'm so thankful for the love we share. This is what I prayed for for years & years & my husband is the greatest blessing I have after my salvation. I am happier than I've been in months & I owe it all to the good Lord above.

Wake up to reality

This morning I awoke from a dream of swaddling our baby girl. She wasn't biologically mine & I knew that in my dream, but she was mine. She was about 6 months old & I was holding her loving her with all my heart as she wiggled about in my arms. I wish that dream was real. I wish we had a baby of our own where ever he or she comes from whether I birth him or her or not I want a baby.

Dreams like that make me miss our baby even more. My heart aches everyday for our baby. I miss being pregnant & I will never understand why it had to be our baby that was taken away. In 2 months I should be giving birth to our miracle, I should be feeling her kick me right now. I  should have been pregnant this Christmas. It would have been our first Christmas as a family of 3 with our baby inside me. Our nursery would have been complete by now. But its not, my womb is empty & I'm stuck longing for the baby we lost. I want to be a mother, I should have that choice.

This is a pain that cannot be explained, the loss, the death of a dream... But I'm still dreaming. I have faith that one day our dream will come true. Until then we pray, we hurt, we miss, we wonder why & we just keep on keeping on. We have better days ahead & even if we never get to be parents on this earth, we are parents & we will be reunited with our angel in heaven.

Peace within my soul...

I think a break is just what I needed. Last week was horrible, it was all I could do to get out of bed & pretend I'm OK enough to make it through the day. Its amazing how optimistic I have been this week. I think getting back to work has helped, I don't have time to sit & ponder all the what ifs. My husband started his new job yesterday & I'm just amazed at how God is blessing us, fulfilling his promise that we will be provided for. I feel so overwhelmingly blessed and thankful at what God is doing in our life. With this new job we are going to have so much more time together to go & do things that we love. All I can think about is Spring & getting out in the woods, camping just me & Chris. I'm excited to live life with him & have fun. Come the new year we will resume the Dr appointments & a fresh IVF cycle. I'm going into it with a clear head and a hopeful heart. I've been praying more that God give me strength & He is. I felt so much despair just a few short days ago & God has lifted me up & assured me better days are coming. I know 100% we will have our children in Gods time. I have faith, I have this desire for a reason & we are going to be blessed. Until our time comes I am going to enjoy life with my husband & be happy. Yes my heart aches for a child & I want nothing more than to have our family, but I don't have to stop living until that time comes. I know the bad days aren't over & I'm sure I'll have days when I can't stand to face this nightmare but for today I am happy my soul is satisfied & I am going to enjoy these good days. God is so good & He is at work in our lives, we are so blessed! Praise the Lord.❤