Saturdays are hard

My egg retrieval was on Saturday May 24th, and our baby was concieved that day, so every Saturday is just hard because I'm reminded of where I would have been in my pregnancy. Today would have been 38 weeks. In 2 weeks is our due date, and it gets harder the closer we get to that date. Its hard not to think about what could have been. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about where we go from here and our plans for the future. We haven't actively done anything in regards to infertility since November and I know its only January but every day that ticks by without a baby in my life seems like a lifetime. My 30th birthday is also coming up and I honestly dread it. I hate the fact that I'm turning 30 childless. If you have the motherly desire there truly is a biological clock & mine ticks loudly. Sure I have 10 years but that's a very short amount of time when I look back at how fast the past ten years have passed. My desire to have a houseful of babies will never be and that's the raw truth that I live with. My dream of having 4 kids is gone, now I just pray for 1 healthy baby and I don't care how it happens, I don't even have to biologically have a child. I want the child the God has intended for me whatever way that happens.

It has been 5 months since my d&c & my body is still not regulated. We had planned to have done our last frozen embryo transfer by now, but we're still waiting. The last 3 years have been spent waiting. I'm back and forth about the plans for this year in regards to building our family. I will take things one day at a time when it comes to my decisions and I may change my mind. But I will do what I feel is best for my body and my peace of mind. Today I've done a lot of thinking about doing another fresh ivf cycle later in the year. I think I want to exhaust all of our ivf attempts before moving on with an adoption agency. If God places a child in our lives before that time comes we will persue adoption without a doubt. But I think I want to close the door to ivf before we open another in regards to getting involved with an adoption agency.

I pray for discernment & peace in the decisions on which path we decide to take. This whole process can take a toll on your mind if you allow it too, sometimes it's a difficult battle to stay positive. And in regards to that I'm not where I need to be, but Lord knows I'm not where I used to be & praise Him for that. Prayer is my defence against those horrible thoughts from the devil who is working hard to steal my joy.