Tonight I just wanna cry

Tomorrow at 7:30am I will go to women's hospital for pre-op for a D&C that will be done at 9am. Exactly 3 months from the the date of our embryo transfer. On May 29th I became pregnant with our angel. I became a mother that day. Even though our baby went to heaven a little more than a month ago we have been unable to move forward. I will never forget & I will never stop loving our precious baby. The hurt will never go away completely. I need to move forward but at the same time I dont want to. I can't explain that. I don't want to feel this way forever but this is our baby that won't be talked about that won't be remembered by anyone but us. No one else got to meet him/her but I did & I love her more than anyone else in this world will ever understand. I don't want her to be gone but she is and she has been for more than a month now. Tomorrow just makes it real again it brings back this ache. Its weird how on Tuesday when the d&c was scheduled how much relief i had just knowing that after Friday we can move forward, not forget but move foward. And right now it sounds crazy but the last thing I want to do is move forward. I want that baby back I want to be 16 weeks pregnant on Saturday not recovering from a d&c. Tonight I'm heartbroken. I know once its over things will get better & I'll feel hope again but tonight I just wanna cry.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I went today for my 4th ultrasound since finding out our baby went to heaven. I took 4 rounds of cyotec (med to assist in miscarriage) usually 1-2 rounds does the job. And even after 4 rounds there is still a small amount of fetal tissue left. This whole process was horrible but not being able to move on from this simply because my body won't pass the tissue has made this more difficult. But after seeing my doctor today I was given the option to wait for my natural cycle & see if it passes on its on which there's a good chance it will not or I can do a d&c. I want this over its been almost a month and a half now. So I will be having surgery Friday to remove the remaining tissue. I feel disappointment & relief all at the same time. I tried my best to avoid surgery because it has its risks especially when I'm already infertile. But this has to be done. I feel relief knowing that after Friday we can finally move forward from this horrible process. All I can do is pray & trust that there will be no negative effects from the surgery.

Heartache

This weekend has not been an easy one. It would have marked 15 weeks of pregnancy. I can't help but think about what I'd be feeling now, would I feel the baby moving, how big would my belly be. This week I would have found out the sex of the baby. I just love & want our baby in my arms. My heart aches. I went a little while without feeling this ache I had been keeping positive thoughts & trying to not think about would could have been, but this weekend I have been just missing & longing  for  our little angel.

In life I will always work with or see people in public that in my opinion do not deserve children & that will never be easy for me. I work with drug addicts (I'm a psych nurse) so it is evident everyday. To watch a woman curse with every other sentence, drug addict, attention seeking, manipulator play with a beautiful baby girl of her own crushes me. Why does a meth addict who uses God's name in vain at the drop if a hat get to bear a child but I can't? Its hard for me to accept that. I just want a child to love.

Update from today's appointment

Went back for my 3rd ultrasound since finding out our baby had gone to heaven... A little over a month later & I still have a very small amount of fetal tissue left. My doctor is on vacation this week so another doctor reviewed my ultrasound and said that I have 3 options do a d&c, take another round of the medication, or wait for my body to  expel it on its own. So I've decided to do another round of the medicine. I really want this whole process to be over with I wish I had a d&c to start with so I could be long ago finished with this process.... But this past time my doctor told me the amount that is left is so small that the risks of surgery are not worth it. But if my body won't expel it on its own it will be my only option. I am so ready to move on, emotionally I am ready but my body isn't cooperating... What's new? FET will now be even later than expected.we may be looking at November & I f I have to have a d&c it could be December.

My prayer...

Tomorrow is my 3rd ultrasound since finding out our baby's heart had stopped beating. The past 2 times there was still some fetal tissue. Hopefully tomorrow's ultrasound will show that we're completely done with this horrible process. It has been over a month & I honestly feel better than I have in quite a while. Right now I can honestly say the worries are very minimal & I feel thankful for the pregnancy thankful to be a mother, one day I will be with our baby again & I am content in life. That is nothing short of God's grace & work in my life. My prayers now are just to be close to my Heavenly Father & let my true longing in life be to love Him more & draw closer to Him. I don't pray for God to take my desire for motherhood away but I pray for His will in my life & whatever that may be I want to be satisfied with that. If that means I will never be a mother on this earth at this moment I am OK with that. I can honestly say that right this second, tomorrow I may not be able to but for now my life is good & I am thankful for where I am. I want to be a mother & I feel like that feeling will never go away.  But I AM A MOTHER. I pray our FET is successful if that's God's will, if not I pray for strength... Strength like I have right now. God has filled me with His strength & I praise Him for it.

Eternity...

Yesterday would have marked our 13th week of pregnancy. We would have been out of that first trimester,  out of the scariest months of pregnancy. I've cried a lot this weekend. I can't help but think about what could have been & its hard to accept it will never be. I will never hold that baby here I will never look at chubby cheeks or any of those things. Sometimes I think I have the questioning behind me but its still here & it probably always will be. I will see someone pregnant or a mother that I think "I know I would be a better mother than her. I'd actually take care of & love my child". People having babies that can't take care of themselves. But that is the human in me... Who am I to judge God's work? His plans are far beyond my comprehension because they are far greater than anything I could plan.

It has been a rainy cool weekend here & last night my hubby & I rented Redbox movies & laid in bed the windows open, listening to the rain come down. We we watched 'heaven is for real' based on a true story. I had read the book several years ago, before we started down this journey. It was a good book but didn't touch my heart the way it did last night. In the movie the little 4 year old boy has a near death experience & visits heaven, there he meets his sister who he had no idea ever existed who had died in his mommy's tummy. The tears were flowing & Chris just held me tight... But not sad tears. That was just another reassurance God has sent to me. One sweet day I will meet my Heavenly Father & I will spend eternity with my baby. That baby of ours is most definitely without a single doubt up in heaven right now, she/he (we always call it a she because we both felt like it was a girl) is up there with my nanny. I am not sad she's there its a much greater place than this earth but I am selfish & want her here for us to love & enjoy. But just knowing I will see her, love her, hold her, kiss her, hug her & do every other thing I long to do with her one day gives me hope, peace & reason to keep going. We have our lives to live here on earth but I will keep my main focus not on what's here but on eternity... What is to come, what will never fade away but last forever.

Its amazing when I take the time to remember that truth how much better I feel about life, how much hope I have. I am officially finished miscarrying & we can move forward. I am anxious,excited & scared to try again. But I know its what we both want & are meant to do. We have 7 embryos that God blessed us with. They may never become a life on this earth & one of them may be our blessing we've been waiting on, we will never know if we don't continue to try. So we're currently waiting for my cycle to start which will be our first FET(frozen embryo transfer) cycle. Even if this is not the last miscarriage we have have to endure everything works together for our good & we will get through whatever comes our way.

We can move forward...

Yesterday I went back for another ultrasound after taking my secind  round of medication that is supposed to help speed this whole miscarriage process up. There is still a small amount left. The baby is not recognizable now like last time, thank God. I had my ultrasound yesterday morning was told by the ultrasound tech that she would have the Dr call me. I just assumed the Dr would be calling me that same day. I mean I have been dealing with this for 22days now... & just wanting this to be over!!!!! I was told last time that if it was not out I would need to have a d&c this time to remove it. But since there's not a lot left I'm not sure what the plan is now. So I waited anxiously all afternoon no call. I called them & was told my ultrasound still wasn't in the chart therefore it had not been reviewed by my Dr who had already left for the day & that they will call tomorrow. So here I am at 0950 & haven't heard a thing still just wondering what will have to be done. This whole process is difficult enough to deal with I shouldn't have to wait & wonder.

I'll just never understand this. Its supposed to get easier yet its not. Here we are going on 3 years of actively trying to concieve there hasnt been a single month in the past 27 months that we haven't tracked ovulation, done fertility meds, iui's or IVF protocols. I'm so tired of it I'm just tired. But I can't let it go. Some may never understand but those that don't understand already have given birth to a child of their own. Everyone that says just adobt or some other other careless remark like take some time... Already has their baby they don't know what this feels like. I get on fb & everyone else in the world has babies. There were a dozen born this week. My heart just breaks. People that already have children get to have more & more while I just wait broken not understanding... But we keep on keeping on. That's the only choice we have just hanging on to that tiny thread of hope, its what gets us through.

Dr just called great news... No d&c the fetal tissue is gone. She is going to talk to the ultrasound tech Monday to just make sure she's clear on what she saw. But I shouldn't have to do the meds again either. She said the rest should come out with my regular cycle. I am feeling so much relief. We can finally move on & just try again.

My strength comes from the Lord.

Sometimes I wonder if this aching broken feeling I have is ever going to go away. Its so weird how in the span of a day I can start off feeling so hopeless & broken to feeling full of hope. That's the almighty power of the good Lord & nothing else. Mornings are usually horrible for me. This morning I laid on the bathroom floor and just screamed, cried, & prayed. The house was empty with my husband at work & it gives me a chance to get these feelings out without any explanantion. God has given me strength & I know that with His help I will get through this. I will never ever forget our sweet angel but I will live life again. I feel hopeful one day we will have a baby here on earth & neither of us is nowhere near giving up on that... & I believe that's for a reason. We do still have 7 embryos frozen & every single one of them is for a reason & part of God's plan for our lives. I am so thankful for this pregnancy & the happiness it brought us. I praise the Lord for everything he gives & takes away. I've grown & learned from this experience I have truly been at my breaking point & I know without a doubt that my strength comes from the Lord. I am a mother because God blessed me with a baby... One day I will get to spend eternity with our precious blessing & that is such comfort to my broken heart.

I've connected with so many other women that walk this journey I pray that they all experience the peace & strength of God. I wouldn't be here today if not for my relationship with my Savior he has saved me in more ways than one.