12 weeks 5 days

Today Chris and I were driving to Greensboro to my OB's office for our NT scan and first trimester screening blood work. I hadn't allowed myself to get nervous until the drive there then all I could think about was the last time I was in that ultrasound room was about 1 year ago when we got the most horrific news we could have ever imagined. I felt like crying and had a knot in my throat in fear that something horrible would be found today.

We arrived to the office and got into the room and a peace came over me and I just knew that everything was going to be alright. The scan proceeded and we saw our jumping little healthy baby pop up on the monitor. He/she was jumping all around arms were swinging and its healthy little heart was just a beating. God is so good and I feel overwhelmed by this blessing growing inside me. We were able to see baby in 3d which was so amazing & got to view the baby from all views, we saw perfect little hands and fingers, little legs, his/her head and I declare our baby is just precious. I'm so in love already. To just think about the day I get to hold him/her in my arms makes me feel like my heart will explode with joy.

On our ride home this afternoon I stared at the print outs of all the photos from today and I could stare at them the rest of the night and not get tired of it. I am so amazed that God has allowed Chris and I to create this little life... To think it's part of us and love created this beautiful little baby. God is so amazing and I could never praise Him enough.

Never forgotten...

1 year ago today we found out our baby had went to heaven. Although today I am 11 weeks pregnant with another little miracle my heart will always ache every time I think of the life we lost. The past year has been the hardest of my life. At times I believed I'd never have the opportunity to carry another child and now that I am I'm terrified of losing this baby too. My heart won't truly be at peace until I hold a healthy baby in my arms....people say just relax stress is not good for the baby.  I know that but bottling up fears and emotions is far more stressful than letting your fears and real thoughts be known and being honest with myself and the ones I'm close too helps me to deal with the anxieties I have.

The baby I am carrying now was conceived with no help from modern medicine... No IUI, IVF, FET. When announcing this pregnancy I've had several people say "all in God's timing, people need to remember that" and "God is better than any doctor". Which is true everything in life happens in God's timing and God is better than anything or anyone. But God works through doctors and a little over a year ago God worked through my doctors to create the baby that we lost. I guess I feel that in some way people diminish the importance of the live we lost.... Which may be the defensive side of me coming out. In no way do I mean to attack anyone's good intentions. Even my husband has made similiar statements. The mother in me wants to protect the fact that baby mattered that baby was created in God's timing too it was no less real and important and it will NEVER be forgotten as long as I live.

We prayed for 1,095 days

He answered. For 3 years we have felt heartache that some days I felt like life couldn't possibly go on, like there was no way I could force myself to keep pushing through. The desire to carry a child has been with me for as long as I can remember and it never has nor never will go away. To know that I have OUR child OUR little miracle growing inside me is a feeling I wondered if I'd ever feel again. After 5 failed IUIs, IVF and a miscarriage, losing 5 embryos during thaw, 2 failed frozen embryo transfers we became pregnant by the power of God! The cycle after we used our very last embryo God said "It's time!!".

Just when I was getting to the point of our infertility journey that I was coming to grips with the thought that it was a very real possibility it may never happen He showed me otherwise. My thoughts had shifted from a daily ache of longing for a baby to trying to fulfill my life in other ways. We had started camping again and just doing fun stuff together, just enjoying living. The past 6 months I have tried to just thank God for what I did have where I was in life and all the things I had been blessed with. I was so relaxed that for the first time in 3 years I wasn't tracking my cycles and wasn't even 100% sure of the day of my last period.  We went camping in the shanandoah mountains June 11th-15th. I'm always on the go up bright & early and go, go, go all day. I'm always looking for adventure when we're camping wanting to hike and see the sights. This trip I wanted to nap everyday and it was so hot I wanted to stay in the RV's air conditioning and lay around. We rode into town one day to pick up a few things and I told Chris I was going to grab some pregnancy tests.... My exact words "I know I'm not pregnant, but just to be sure". I didn't even take one immediately when we got back because I didn't really believe it would be positive. I later took the test and immediately the test line was as dark as could be. I knew right then I was pregnant. In shock and shaking I slammed the bathroom door open and told him "I'm pregnant!!!".  He needed some reassurance that "those tests" are accurate. I assured him it was... After all I had obsessively taken hundreds of them in the past 3 years, I knew! When we returned from our trip I called my reproductive endocrinologist to let them know I'd gotten a positive test, I came in for a blood test and my hcg levels were >5000! I most certainly am pregnant with a miracle from God.

Since then we've had 2 ultrasounds the first at 7 weeks and heard the heartbeat. The second at 9 weeks where we got to hear the heartbeat again and see a perfectly formed little baby with 2 arms and legs and he/she even gave us a little wave. During my last pregnancy I had purchased a fetal doppler that I never got to use. We've been listening to the heartbeat a couple of times a week to reassure ourselves that things are still going good. We are beyond ecstatic! At the same time we are also scared after what we've been through. Daily we are praying for that little heart to continue beating strong and for us to hold our healthy baby come February.

I am so proud of our God and the miracles He has performed!

I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. -Isaiah 66:9