Saturday, January 31, 2015

Saturdays are hard

My egg retrieval was on Saturday May 24th, and our baby was concieved that day, so every Saturday is just hard because I'm reminded of where I would have been in my pregnancy. Today would have been 38 weeks. In 2 weeks is our due date, and it gets harder the closer we get to that date. Its hard not to think about what could have been. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about where we go from here and our plans for the future. We haven't actively done anything in regards to infertility since November and I know its only January but every day that ticks by without a baby in my life seems like a lifetime. My 30th birthday is also coming up and I honestly dread it. I hate the fact that I'm turning 30 childless. If you have the motherly desire there truly is a biological clock & mine ticks loudly. Sure I have 10 years but that's a very short amount of time when I look back at how fast the past ten years have passed. My desire to have a houseful of babies will never be and that's the raw truth that I live with. My dream of having 4 kids is gone, now I just pray for 1 healthy baby and I don't care how it happens, I don't even have to biologically have a child. I want the child the God has intended for me whatever way that happens.

It has been 5 months since my d&c & my body is still not regulated. We had planned to have done our last frozen embryo transfer by now, but we're still waiting. The last 3 years have been spent waiting. I'm back and forth about the plans for this year in regards to building our family. I will take things one day at a time when it comes to my decisions and I may change my mind. But I will do what I feel is best for my body and my peace of mind. Today I've done a lot of thinking about doing another fresh ivf cycle later in the year. I think I want to exhaust all of our ivf attempts before moving on with an adoption agency. If God places a child in our lives before that time comes we will persue adoption without a doubt. But I think I want to close the door to ivf before we open another in regards to getting involved with an adoption agency.

I pray for discernment & peace in the decisions on which path we decide to take. This whole process can take a toll on your mind if you allow it too, sometimes it's a difficult battle to stay positive. And in regards to that I'm not where I need to be, but Lord knows I'm not where I used to be & praise Him for that. Prayer is my defence against those horrible thoughts from the devil who is working hard to steal my joy.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

The baby that only God & I held...

Today would have marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I would have been holding our little miracle in my arms any day now. 

Some days the pain is just as real as it was the day I lay on the exam table & stared at our perfectly formed baby's little body the perfect little head, arms and legs and stared in silence waiting for a heartbeat then hearing the words "I'm so sorry the heart is not beating". I can still hear the piercing silence in that room that day. I was so angry so broken, more than broken I was and still am at times crushed into a million pieces. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever go a week without crying. I know I will, there was a time when I couldn't go a day & now I can. Healing takes time & the strength from God.

Sometimes I go back to the video of the last normal ultrasound, the flickering on the screen & the strong heartbeat. I will never forget that sound, I'm so thankful I can hear that heartbeat anytime I need to. My baby was real no one else got to hold her or love her as deeply as I did but she lived & always will be in my heart. There will never be a day that goes by as long as I'm living that I don't miss our baby. Some days are just worse than others.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

And the break nears to an end...

I've tried to push my infertility to the back burner in my life & for the past month and a half I have been the happiest I've been in a while. The past few days I've been thinking and really not looking forward to going back to see my RE. In a approximately 3 weeks I'll be begin meds for another hopeful embryo transfer. Up until my last frozen embryo transfer I had high hopes that I'd one day carry my own child, but after losing 6 embryos in one day, my hopes aren't very high of that ever happening. We now have one embryo left & I truly dread starting meds again, feeling the way I feel on them for a month only to be told our last embryo didn't make it either. I want to to at least attempt this last embryo before moving towards adoption, if not it will be in the back of my mind & I'll wonder could it have made it? I've been so strong the last month that I dread the uneasy scary unknowing feeling that going through a frozen cycle entails. I'm scared of the finality of it, that after this it truly is over. But at the same I've been at peace with our decision & at this time I do not want to endure another fresh ivf cycle. My head hurts just thinking about it. My heart aches. I just want a baby whether I birth the baby or God sends me a baby through adoption I can honestly say I do not care, but I know I want to be a mother. I just have to stay strong, stay peaceful, stay happy, stay faithful until it is our time. I've said it a million times, I will never understand this. God give me peace.