Goodbye 2014

I'm happy to see a new year. I made it through 2014 even though at times I didn't think I would . Without a doubt I can honestly say it was the hardest year of my life. I lost a dream, I lost my baby, I lost 6 embryos, we lost about $25,000 toward infertility treatments, my husband lost his job & I lost my sanity at times. I've never seen sadness like I've seen this past year. In December things have finally started to look up, we've gained a lot, most importantly I found peace again, my husband found a new, better job & I found hope. I'm hopeful about what 2015 holds for us. My heart is still broken for the baby that I held for a short 10weeks, but I am excited about our journey in the coming year. I'll never stop missing our angel, but I know that God has great plans for us. We will do our last frozen embryo transfer in February, and the next step will be to pursue adoption in 2015. I'm nervous, excited, and scared but I know this will be a better year!

We've decided...

For now the plan is to transfer our last frozen embryo in the next 2 months if it makes it through thaw. If that cycle is unsuccessful we will move forward with our journey towards adoption. I've found peace and am excited about our new journey. I have grieved our loss of a biological child and I'm prepared to move in another direction. If it's in God's plan for me to bear a child He will make that happen in His time. But for the time being we will not pursue another IVF cycle. We will be open to adopting siblings. We would prefer a baby but would consider children 3 & younger. In the next 6 months we will be filling out lots of paperwork & getting everything ready to prepare our home for the home study & making sure we have everything childproofed. This is going to be a whole new direction that is going to be a long journey but I'm so hopeful that in the next couple of years we WILL have our family. Until then we have plans to do a little traveling & enjoying our time together. Whatever happens we are so blessed & I'm thankful for this journey as hard as its been, it has changed me for the better.

Big decisions

I get so angry when I make a post about infertility and some one who has no clue what a walk in these shoes is like posts an ignorant comment like "there's always adoption". Did they think we had never thought of that? We've spent the last 3 years of our lives down this journey, scraped and saved for IVF and that idea just totally slipped out minds. (Really?). I realize that by making our struggle public that there is always going to be comments from people that just dont have a clue, so i usually try to just keep my mouth closed when it comes to comments like those. The journey to parenthood can have many different paths you can't take them all at the same time. This is a process. For us our journey began like most peoples do we started trying to conceive our baby after a little over a year of being unsuccessful we consulted my doctor who shortly after medical testing had to refer us to the reproductive endocrinologist. Believe it or not we didn't just jump right into ivf we took steps to get to this point. We've prayed, cried, spent every day of our lives thinking and making these decisions. So when someone says "why don't you just adopt" it takes all that I have to not just bite their head off. It was our choice to take the path we've taken to make an attempt to have a biological child. We first have to be 100% confident we are ready emotionally and financially to start down a different path before moving into adoption. Adoption has its own road, its own stressors that are a completely different ball game from infertility treatments. If it were just so easy to say I'll just adopt & this whole problem will be solved we would have made that choice a long, long time ago. We never wanted the heartache we've been dealt. But adoption is not that easy, you can spend years waiting for a child, not to mention $25,000-40,000 to even get to that point. We are finally at the point in this journey that we are beginning to seriously consider adoption. But these are our decisions, no one elses. I don't share our story for your opinions or advice. I share our story to connect with other women who have been where I am at & for prayers from anyone that believes in the power of prayer.

We've been doing a lot of discussing about where we go from here, after we've had 8 embryos die. We obviously have a problem with the viability of our embryos. We have a couple of options to weigh one is PGD testing (pre-implantation diagnosis) which would test our embryos for genetic disorders prior to having them frozen or transferred. This will add an additional $5000-8000 to our IVF costs. So we are seriously considering ending our treatment journey in the coming months to pursue adoption whole heartedly. If we do make the decision to persue adoption I don't consider any of this a waste. This whole process has shaped me into a better person. We have a child awaiting us in heaven because of this journey & that alone is worth all the debt, all the tears, all the heartache we've endured. This is a huge decision for us that neither of us are 100% sure which option we will take. Just continuing to pray for Gods direction during this time. His plan will prevail & will be far beyond anything we could have ever imagined.

Time doesnt heal wounds... God does.

Looking back on my blog the majority of it is so depressing & sad to read. I usually write when I'm in my deepest pit to release the pain. The past couple of weeks I've been more at peace than I have in a very long time. Every single day I miss our baby, every single day I think about what life would be like if she were still living. In fact I would be 31 weeks pregnant this week. I will always wonder what could have been. But what could have been was not what was meant to be, and I must carry on, thank God for all the good things he's done & continues to do in our life.

This month is our first "break" since May of 2012. Not that we aren't still trying, I have pulled out the old fertility monitor this month. To most that's actively trying but to us this is a relaxed cycle. After going through IUIs, IVF, & FET this is about as relaxed as you can get. I am at peace, I'm not expecting to get pregnant this cycle but we will never stop trying. I've tried to draw close to God & find peace & God has surely drawn close to me. Chris & I have seen God's work in our lives the past few weeks, prayers about other stressors in our lives have been answered far beyond what we could have hoped for & I know God is saying "I've got this". He's showing us everyday He's hard at work & has great plans for us.

We aren't 100% sure about the timeframe for our future plans toward parenthood. But in the next 1-2 months we plan to do another IVF cycle. If that cycle isn't successful we will move towards the goal of adoption through foster care. We have lots if prepping to do to become certified in foster care so we will begin to work on that. We won't give up on having a biological child & will resume more IVF & FET cycles once we are settled into the life of foster care.

We will have beautiful babies in our lives. Until that time comes we are learning everyday that we can & are happy just the two of us. We are drawing closer to each other through this journey & I'm so thankful for the love we share. This is what I prayed for for years & years & my husband is the greatest blessing I have after my salvation. I am happier than I've been in months & I owe it all to the good Lord above.

Wake up to reality

This morning I awoke from a dream of swaddling our baby girl. She wasn't biologically mine & I knew that in my dream, but she was mine. She was about 6 months old & I was holding her loving her with all my heart as she wiggled about in my arms. I wish that dream was real. I wish we had a baby of our own where ever he or she comes from whether I birth him or her or not I want a baby.

Dreams like that make me miss our baby even more. My heart aches everyday for our baby. I miss being pregnant & I will never understand why it had to be our baby that was taken away. In 2 months I should be giving birth to our miracle, I should be feeling her kick me right now. I  should have been pregnant this Christmas. It would have been our first Christmas as a family of 3 with our baby inside me. Our nursery would have been complete by now. But its not, my womb is empty & I'm stuck longing for the baby we lost. I want to be a mother, I should have that choice.

This is a pain that cannot be explained, the loss, the death of a dream... But I'm still dreaming. I have faith that one day our dream will come true. Until then we pray, we hurt, we miss, we wonder why & we just keep on keeping on. We have better days ahead & even if we never get to be parents on this earth, we are parents & we will be reunited with our angel in heaven.

Peace within my soul...

I think a break is just what I needed. Last week was horrible, it was all I could do to get out of bed & pretend I'm OK enough to make it through the day. Its amazing how optimistic I have been this week. I think getting back to work has helped, I don't have time to sit & ponder all the what ifs. My husband started his new job yesterday & I'm just amazed at how God is blessing us, fulfilling his promise that we will be provided for. I feel so overwhelmingly blessed and thankful at what God is doing in our life. With this new job we are going to have so much more time together to go & do things that we love. All I can think about is Spring & getting out in the woods, camping just me & Chris. I'm excited to live life with him & have fun. Come the new year we will resume the Dr appointments & a fresh IVF cycle. I'm going into it with a clear head and a hopeful heart. I've been praying more that God give me strength & He is. I felt so much despair just a few short days ago & God has lifted me up & assured me better days are coming. I know 100% we will have our children in Gods time. I have faith, I have this desire for a reason & we are going to be blessed. Until our time comes I am going to enjoy life with my husband & be happy. Yes my heart aches for a child & I want nothing more than to have our family, but I don't have to stop living until that time comes. I know the bad days aren't over & I'm sure I'll have days when I can't stand to face this nightmare but for today I am happy my soul is satisfied & I am going to enjoy these good days. God is so good & He is at work in our lives, we are so blessed! Praise the Lord.❤

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone... Not sure how happy it is, but either way I have lots to thank the good Lord above for. Most of all for my salvation. For my husband who is always by side, for the short 10 weeks I got to carry our little angel that now waits for us in heaven, & for our fur children that bring lots of love & comfort to us.

Yesterday was beta day & it was confirmed by blood test that this cycle was a fail. Even though I already knew, it didn't make it any easier to hear from the nurse that called & gave the news. My heart aches. But despite that yesterday after a good long cry before ever making it out of bed I made the decision to laugh & live & get through this. It is consuming me & it will forever be a big part of my life. I will never let the dreams I have go & I will never stop believing better things are coming. It will be a wonderful day when I don't have to fight back tears.

On the bright side my fresh ivf cycle meds will be mailed out Monday. Turns out we only had to pay $747 & were able to use our current insurance before it terminates at the end of the month since more than likely our new insurance won't cover fertility meds (most don't). In total meds for 1 cycle were almost $5,000. Once they are in my hands I will feel relief.

I'm taking a break this cycle and trying to make a baby the old fashioned way. I'll attempt to transfer our one remaining embie in January then move forward with another dreadful, hopeful IVF cycle.

One day, I will be happy again.

I have had 3 negative pregnancy tests. My beta is tomorrow so I will have it confirmed by the doctor that this cycle is a fail. In 3 years I should be used to this by now... I should be used to that second line never showing up. I will never get used to this. I have not thrown away any of the test they are laying on the bathroom counter & I keep hoping something will just appear that some miraculous line is just going to pop up! I've held them under the bathroom light, under the window light & stared praying I'd see something. But there is nothing there, because I am not pregnant.

My heart is beyond broken, it is shattered into a million pieces and at moments I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. I have a constant battle in my mind between every worse case scenario possible followed by a prayer to not think that way. My mind never stops, it never rests. I am constantly thinking "what if I never get to carry our child". I replay that nightmare in my head over & over & over. I know I need to pray, to lean on the only one that can help me, to trust in God. Sometimes its so hard, sometimes its easier to just fall apart. I've prayed for our child since before we were married, from the day we fell in love I have prayed for our child. I am still waiting, still praying. I think it's human nature to question if my prayers are being heard. But if I don't believe they are I would surely crumble. I must believe that God has great plans for us, plans to bless us with a family. If I don't believe that I'm merely surviving.  I'm not ready to give up on getting pregnant. Sometimes I think I am, that I want to just adopt. But I'm not there yet & I realized that the second I knew this cycle had failed. I feel lost & hopeless not continuing down this road. The thought of taking a detour scares the crap out of me. We will keep going until we are absolutely at a dead end. We will do absolutely whatever it takes to keep going. Financially this is hard, we have to pay thousands of dollars to keep trying, insurance doesn't cover infertility. We didn't choose this, we don't want to be going through this. This is not an option for us. The government pays for sorry, low life drug addicts to have babies then supports them their whole lives & we don't have any assitance. This is a cruel world we live in. I am just thankful this is not eternal. My eternity is going to be spent on the streets of gold with all 9 of our babies because I believe all our embryos are their waiting for us too, they once were living.

I'm blessed to have the support of other women who are in my shoes. I tell them all the positive things they need to hear when they're drowning in their sorrow & they do the same for me. Because there's not a soul in this world that could even begin to comprehend this heartache, if you haven't been there. And Lord knows I have had my share of heartache in other areas of my life but it doesn't come close to this pit I'm in right now. Yesterday I was talking with one of the few friends that I have right now that gets where I'm at and she said to me "nothing is forever not a day a month or a year it all passes and a better day month or year comes nothing is forever our suffering isn't forever". I thank God & praise him that this is the truth. I am blessed to have parents, a husband, and friends to lean on & I am thankful for that. Whatever Gods plan is for us I want it, and hard as it is to pray if God doesn't have it in his plan for me to birth our child I don't want to. I want what God wants. That's sometimes very hard to accept. Whatever His plan for me is I know its for good not evil & He wants me to be happy. One day I will be happy again.

Nothing about infertility is easy

I'm currently in the waiting period to see if our frozen embryo transfer was successful. We weren't given much confidence by the embryonologist & I've also been spotting since 3dp5dt. I am not very hopeful about this cycle. But I do know God performs miracles everyday & there's still a chance I could be surprised. But I'm also preparing for the worst case scenario.

My husband just got a new job so at the end of the month we will be losing our current insurnace & won't be eligible for insurance at the new job for 90 days. We will have to pay for a private policy until that time & we all know private policies aren't the best when it comes to coverage. Our current coverage pays for infertility meds which is rare with any policy. My doctor is coming up with a protocol for me so we can attempt to get our meds for a fresh ivf cycle called in before our policy is terminated. If not we will be forced to wait a while before moving forward with IVF again. $5000 out of pocket for meds on top of the cost for egg retrieval surgery is more than we can afford right now. We won't have to pay for IVF again as we opted for a shared risk program but we are responsible for the surgery & the meds. If we can get our meds paid for we will plan another fresh cycle in February.

I'm still grieving the loss of almost all our embryos & I'm worried our ivf journey may  come to an end with no baby. We are allowed 2 more FETs & 2 more fresh cycles with our shared risk plan. But our embryos have to be strong to make it FET & this batch obviously wasn't. I never in a million years would have thought we would have no more frozen embryos when we started with 7.

I've never been more heartbroken in my life. The thought of never having children is my nightmare.

PUPO

Yesterday was one of he most emotional days of this journey so far. In the matter of 1 minute, 1 conversation, my hopes almost completely diminished. We started the morning yesterday with 7 embryos. Back in May with our fresh cycle we were told by the embryonologist "you have enough embryos to last you a lifetime". In one day that false sense of hope was shattered. We lost 4 of our embryos yesterday that did not make it through thaw. I went in at 9:15am expecting to have 2 healthy embryos transferred and was told that 4 embryos had been lost. I had the option to thaw 2 more & come back at 1:15pm which I decided to do. I came home hit my knees & begged God to allow those 2 embryos to survive. We arrived back at the office and were told we did have 2 embryos to transfer but "they're nothing to jump up & down about" in regards to their chance of viability. We now have 1 remaining frostie with slim chances of it surviving thaw. I am hanging onto faith & the chance of God performing a miracle that this transfer will result in a healthy pregnancy. I need to be a mother, more than anyone that hasn't been in my shoes will ever understand. I have a constant ache in my soul to mother a child and raise a family. & I wish I could just make this desire disappear, that I could just wake up & be content with the blessings I have but this ache will never go away until I am able to hold our baby in my arms.

We have discussed what our next steps will be if this cycle fails & we plan to look into fostering towards the goal of adoption. I have always longed to carry my child in my womb, but my deepest desire is to love a child. It can be biologically mine or it can be a child that needs the love that we are able to give. We may resume IVF later in life, but if this isn't it we've decided to go down another road for now. We want a large family 3-4 children & I'm not getting any younger. I need a child to love & there are children out there that need love. the Lord is going to create our little family in some way shape or form. Its definitely not how we planned it but IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

November 19, 2014

Today I had my midcycle ultrasound. Lining looked good & thick at 11mm, they look for it to be at least 7mm. My estrogen level today was >1000. I will cut back my oral estrogen to one pill per day & continue estrogen patches. The dreaded progesterone shots begin again tomorrow morning. Embryo transfer is scheduled for next Wednesday at 0915. Can't wait to bring home 2 of our little embies. Praying they settle in for a healthy 9 month pregnancy.

One day at a time

I'm currently in the waiting period for my FET. The past 3 years of my life has been a waiting period. I'm so tired of waiting for a family.  I may be selfish and I know I need to enjoy this life from day to day & I do. I laugh I have fun and I get through these days one at a time. Overall I'm just waiting. I have spent my entire life waiting to be married and start a family & when it doesn't just happen the way its supposed to that's very hard to accept, I don't accept it.

I have 5 days until my mid cycle ultrasound when I will find out our exact transfer date. I am praying so hard that this is it, that come July/August 2015 we have a baby in our arms.  Ever since starting this journey I haven't had a break. Since May of 2012 this has consumed me. I've been pumped full of hormones, had test after test, procedure after procedure, blood draws week after week. Due to financial stressors we have made the difficult decision that if I do not become pregnant this cycle we will be taking a break at least until after the holidays. Not only for financial reasons but my body needs a break too, emotionally & physically. I'm just tired. I am praying so hard that this is the cycle that will lead to our miracle, our rainbow after the storm. I'm not sure I can emotionally distance myself from this enough to take a break. Just the thought of a break stresses me out more than continuing to try, because I want this more than anyone in this world will ever comprehend. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle one more thing being thrown my way like I just can't possibly get through another hardship, but I do. I keep going because I have no choice but to do so. Sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and give up completely, but that's not an option.

So I'm just continuing to live life one day at a time. Trying to enjoy the blessings I have and keep pushing forward. I know that our miracle is coming & I'm believing whole heartedly just like I force myself to do every cycle that THIS IS IT, we WILL hold our miracle in 9 months & at that moment in time all this pain will disappear.

FET cycle

Today is CD1 of another attempt at a FET. I went in for my SHG today and it looked great. today could not have been better. I was totally prepared to be told there was scar tissue or polyps that would need to be removed. But all is well and we can move forward with a FET this cycle. I will restart estradiol pills twice daily and estradiol patches every 3 days starting Saturday. I go back on 11/13/14 for a mid cycle ultrasound to check my lining and will be told then when my embryo transfer will be... probably around the 18th. I did a lot of praying this morning for these exact results and God answered my prayers. He is so good, all the time. I am so thankful and so relieved. Praise the Lord.

Faith

The devil is hard at work. I have been battling staying in a positive place. I have to pray more and push the negative thoughts out of my mind. It's a slow fade into that negative place. I must be diligent in prayer and keeping my thoughts positive. I KNOW without a doubt that the Lord has great plans for me. I KNOW that I will become a mother. Without a doubt I believe that with all my heart. I may not birth my own babies but I know that one day we will have babies to raise and love. The Lord is going to bless me with a family.

Below are a just a few of the many scriptures that reassures me of this truth. The Holy Bible is full of proof that God blessed many women with a family & He will do the same for me. I believe that & I claim it!

For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. Psalm 84:11

He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord! Psalm 113:9

Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was unable to have children. The Lord answered Isaac's prayer, and Rebekah became pregnant with twins. Genesis 25:21

My mind is a battlefield

Lately I have been struggling with staying in my positive place. Emotionally this whole process is like a roller coaster. You get your hopes up to have them crushed, then you have try to build yourself back up enough to even function. I was so high in my hopes Monday morning going into the office thinking I was going in for FET then I came out about as low as I can go. Now  I am stuck somewhere in between trying to build myself back up again. I have always been very fragile emotionally. The slightest little things can bring me down to tears. I think this journey is doubly difficult to deal with when you're an emotional type person to begin with. It's a constant battle of trying to keep myself together enough to get through the day. I wake up and sometimes I don't want to get up I want to lay right there and just cry all day long. You may call this depression, I'm not sure I'd say I am depressed. My life is perfect in my eyes except for this one thing... this one HUGE thing. I have everything else I have ever wanted. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy. All we need is our baby and my life with be complete. It sounds so simple. If only it were that simple. Never in a million years would I have thought we'd be here 5 failed IUIs, IVF and a miscarriage later. Here we are with no baby. Two and a half years later we are still trying to create our family. It's so scary. How many more years will I have to live with this desire? And to think we may be doing all this for nothing. All the procedures, all the shots, all the meds, all the emotional turmoil and we still aren't guaranteed a baby in the end of it all. And when will it ever end. Will I ever feel like I can stop trying? I am not sure I will ever get to that point. I am not sure I can ever give up on this. I have dreamed of carrying MY child inside me I shouldn't have to decide when I have to to give up on that dream. No one has the answers to these questions. I can pray and ask God for the answers and I know He will guide me but will I ever really know when enough is enough? Sometimes I feel like I need a break from trying for my emotional well being. But I can't even take a break. I can't go one second without thinking about it hardly. Can I really expect myself to take a few months off and relax. I feel like I am giving up if I do that I feel like "what if that were the month that it could have happened?" and I am not even trying.

My mind goes a million miles per minute. I am always thinking, always wondering. The only answer is prayer. My mind is a battlefield.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 

Half agony, half hope

As if I am not already about to my breaking point... Another setback.Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take before I lose it. I "lose it" quite frequently, to the point where I break down and just cry my heart out. I always pick back up and carry on, but sometimes I wonder how much longer I can carry on before we have to just let this go and go in another direction. It's a conversation we have been having and no one in this world knows just how hard this is on me. I am emotionally just drained. In my head I have this plan of trying for at least 3 more FET cycles, if I can emotionally hang on that long. Our next step would be surrogacy but I want my baby to grow inside of me. I want to feel those movements and kicks. It tears my heart to pieces that my body may not bare our babies. I am just so overwhelmed. And I'm so sick of comments from people that have no idea what I am going through "Just relax" & other ignorant comments. If you have children you do not know what this is like. & it's hard to not feel such anger. I am jealous of every woman that has the privelege to bear a child. This is supposed to be MY decision & I have NO control over it & sometimes I feel its destroying me.

Our FET was scheduled yesterday. I went in for another ultrasound to double check my uterine lining to make sure it was up to par before proceeding with the transfer. Of course something was wrong. It seems there's always something wrong. Nothing about this process is easy. So I go into the office thinking I'll be coming out with 2 embryos inside me to settle in and grow. And I come out just heartbroken. My ultrasound did not look normal. RE isn't sure if it's scar tissue from the miscarriage or polyps. So our FET was canceled for this month. I stopped all meds yesterday to bring on my period. I will have another HSG (hysterosonogram) on Thursday to get a definitive diagnosis of what exactly is wrong with my lining. If its scar tissue or polyps I'll likely have surgery to remove them before we can move forward with a FET. I know in the scheme of it all this is something minimal that is easily fixed, but when you're teetering on the edge about to fall this has been almost enough to send me plummeting to the bottom. Emotionally I'm just so fragile. I had my hopes up so high of brining home our embryos and so beyond ready to try again.

Sometimes I feel so strong, like I have got this, that whatever comes our way I can handle it and I can cope. But then other times I just feel like I am crumbling into a million pieces and I'll never be whole again. I'm half agony, half hope.

Blessings are coming

Five months ago I was awaiting my embryo transfer of the baby that I came to love more than words can describe. Here I am 5 months later that baby is in heaven and I am awaiting transfer on monday of 2 embryos that we pray will one day be a baby we hold in our arms. I don't know why i do this to myself but I just finished looking through ultrasound photos, the pregnancy announcement and watching the video of our baby's heartbeat and now I am sitting here sobbing scared to death of that happening again. I absolutely do not feel that I have the strength to go through that again. But I also know that a blessing is coming to us and I will not give up on our dream. I know whatever happens I will survive with God's grace, but just the thought of it makes me crumble. This is my story, my path to walk, and I don't fully understand why right now but one day I will. I am just clinging to my faith and I know that we will be blessed and whatever God's will is for me is what I want. I just pray for strength and peace going into this journey again. We will be parents...we are parents.

5 days til FET

Since my last post I'm now 18 days into my FET(frozen embryo cycle). Mid cycle ultrasound was last Friday. My lining looked good and thick. I started progesterone injections today & will continue these daily until 12 weeks gestation. I had some bleeding earlier in the week so I have to go in early Monday morning for another ultrasound to check my lining again. If my lining still looks good & hasn't thinned too much the embryologist will begin to thaw our embryos for FET that's scheduled for 10:45 Monday morning. I am definitely feeling the effects of the meds again. I'm very moody (poor hubby) & I just feel drained. But compared to my fresh IVF cycle I'm feeling great.

In just 5 long days I'll be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I have absolutely no patience so I will be testing 4dpt, which is super early but last cycle I had a very faint positive then. I'll test everyday until my blood test won't be for about 2 weeks post transfer.

I'm praying both embryos implant & we are holding healthy twins in 9 months. I can't even stand the thought of another miscarriage & I've pushed those thoughts as far from my mind as possible. I will not allow those thoughts to suffocate my hope. My heart just overfills with love at the thought of our little embies and I know that one day in God's perfect timing at least one of our 7 remaining embryos will be a baby we get to hold in our arms. One day I will print this blog into a book for our child & they will read these posts & know how loved & wanted he/she was before they were even conceived, & I look forward to that day.

Walk on...

It is 11am and I am still in my pajamas. I haven't done a thing today but sit on the couch and cry. There are some days I succomb to my grief and I just release it. I have snotted and sobbed this morning to the point I could barely catch my breath. There is no one in this world that knows or understands my pain. No one knows how many tears I have cried. Not even my husband. I sit in our living room & so many thoughts run through my head. I imagine holding our baby, swaddling her, singing to her, putting her in a stroller & going for an autumn run with her. I imagine her being about 5 years old running up & down our hallway, playing with her & loving him/her more than any other little boy or girl in this world is loved. Then I imagine her still being in my womb feeling her kick and move about. These thoughts bring me to a point that I'm useless I can't do anything but sit here & cry.

I always snap out of it, I always pick myself up & walk on. We have no other choice. I have to live, I have to try. I cannot give up. So then after a good long cry that sometimes lasts a few minutes, sometimes lasts all day long I think happy thoughts. I tell myself this next cycle WILL work & I believe whole heartedly that it will. I pray & God gives me strength.

This is a part of my release. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. My reasons for writing these posts are for ME & for any other woman that may read them that have sat and cried tears like these & have wondered if anyone else in the world truly understands their pain. I've been blessed to come to know a handful of women in this journey that I've connected with that truly get this & for that I am thankful. When I need someone to text excitedly that I just started my period for FET cycle they get it! I'm thankful that one of my best friends is dealing with this. Not because I wish this pain on her but because she knows how I feel. I know that God has brought us together in this journey because he knows we need each other. When my husband doesn't even understand I have someone to talk to that gets it. Infertility is hard on the husbands too, but there's nothing like the motherly desire in a woman. I pray for myself and every woman that ever has to feel this pain, that we are all blessed to become mothers one day.

Day 1 of FET cycle meds

Just took my morning pill & applied my first estrogen patch to prepare my body for FET. I am soo excited to get started again. I was not this excited about the initial IVF. This cycle will be so much more relaxed. I won't be going to the office every single day for ultrasounds & lab work. I get a full 11 days before my next visit. I felt so emotional yesterday morning prior to my baseline visit. But as I sat in the office & the same exam room that I first heard our baby's heartbeat I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, but with hope. & that is a great feeling. God answers prayers. He knows I'm mentally almost to my breaking point & he gives me strength beyond what I can imagine every single day. I have moments when I sit around and cry to release it all but for the most part I am way stronger than I give very myself credit for. And its not me at all, it's God's almighty power making me strong giving me hope. Its remembering his promises that gets me through this life.

I have faith & I know with all my heart God is going to bless us with our baby. I just know it. & I believe that because if I choose not to believe that my world will crumble. My Doctor said yesterday "I'm so excited for you". I told her I was excited too, but at the same time I'm so scared. She said "you have plenty of embryos. This is going to work". I'm so filled with Hope. God knows we want this baby more than anything in this world. I just pray that whatever happens I continue to have the strength to get through it.

Today just got bad

Its only 7am & I am already sitting here crying. Sometimes I just don't know why we even try... But that's only for a split second then my motherly desire takes over again & I keep on keeping on. I opened mail this morning that I had piled on the counter from a couple days ago. Of course another big fat medical bill. We just paid out $731 for my D&C. Now another $1123.51is due. And it's "due upon reciept". Why yes we just have that laying around. When we paid $24,000+ out of pocket to create that baby. Its already almost more than I can deal with at times, then the medical bills come. It's like here, just when you thought you'd break down but found the strength not to, another thing to pile onto your problems.Sometimes I just feel like I can't keep dealing with this. All I can do is cry it out then get on with life. But God, why is life so unfair. Yes I'm pouting, yes I'm having a pity party. But I can't be strong all the time. We just want a baby. There are so many people out there that don't deserve their babies that don't love them & we go through all this & still don't have one. Sometimes it's really hard not to question God. But I know that's human nature. & that doesn't make it right. So I ask forgiveness for my questions, and pray for the strength to just keep going.

I'm so eager... Yet I'm so scared

Well I now know my cycle is right around the corner. My body has its way of letting me know about 3-5 days before I start my next cycle. & it's time!!!! Within the next week I will be going back to my RE's office for a baseline ultrasound in preparation for our FET cycle. OMG, I have waited & waited to try again. It seems like I've waited forever & mostly I am so excited with a tiny little part of me terrified I will have to endure another nightmare. I can't let that fear overcome me. I will hope, I will pray, I will see the good & I will be a mother. Claiming it... God is going to bless us with babies. At my baseline ultrasound they will be checking the lining of my uterus & for cysts. If there are any cysts my FET cycle will be canceled. Just praying for God's will in this & strength. He has never let me down even at my darkest so I have faith no matter the outcome we will be okay. 15 days from my baseline I will return to the doctor for a follow up ultrasound & if all is good 5days from then we will transfer 2 of our little miracle embryos. & 9 months from now I will be having a healthy baby/babies. I am choosing to believe that with all my heart because if I even think about going through another miscarriage my world crumbles. So I know this is going to work... I just know it. Thank you Lord for emotionally, physically, & financially blessing us so that we are able to have this opportunity.  Its draining in all those aspects. But our rainbow baby is coming. I have FAITH!

20 weeks

Today would have marked 20 weeks into our pregnancy with what was & still is a miracle baby. She was a miracle in the short time she lived & she remains a miracle in heaven. God put just the right egg & sperm together in the lab at Wake Forest on 5/24/14…. The day she started her short little journey on this earth. Its still so amazing to me the technology that God has blessed us with to be able to create a life. Without God's hand guiding my doctors our baby would have never had the chance to form. I only held her in my womb, never in my arms. & as heartbreaking as it is that she's no longer with me, I feel so blessed that she made me a mother. & I will get the chance to hold her again.

Instead of baby shopping, nursery decorating & dreaming of meeting our baby today, I got up at 6:30am & ran/walked 2 miles today. Sometimes life is just so depressing. I could lay in bed & cry all day. If I stop & think too long that's exactly what I'd end up doing. But I force myself to hope for a future baby, hope that our upcoming embryo transfer will result in a healthy living baby in our arms. I'm so scared of life at times.  I may never raise children. That's the most terrifying thought for me. & it runs through my head every single day over & over. But I keep faith that this sorrow will one day lead to happiness beyond what anyone can comprehend. Because it's times like these, pain like this that makes happy times even happier. If life was without sorrow we wouldn't know true joy. So I praise God for every emotion I have, even through this pain, because this is making me into the person I'm meant to be. It has given me perspective on life I would never have had. If things had worked out by my plan. I wouldn't have the chance to truly realize what a blessing a child is & wouldn't know myself or my husband the way I do now. God is good all the time even in the midst of the pain, He is still good.

Whoa....

I just totaled up our out of pocket medical bills since October of 2013. And in the past year this is the amount we've paid...

How crazy am I?

I am thinking, what if I got pregnant with no infertility treatments? How crazy would that be? After 2.5 years non stop every single cycle tracking ovulation, 2 medicated cycles, 5 IUI's, & IVF, I still hang onto hope. It has been almost a month since my D&C & I still have not started my regular cycle. I'm tempted to POAS... Stupid & a waste, I know. I don't know why I entertain such crazy thoughts. I just want to try again. Time goes by way too fast to stand still & I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing, but it's not by choice. I can't believe it's already almost October. Time slow down. I'm getting too old & no babies. God reminds me He is in control,  not me. My plan for life consisted of this: marriage around age 23 (didn't happen till age 27), babies ASAP & all 4 before the age of 30. I will turn 30 without any children. Let alone 4, just give me 1 & I will be happy. I want time to speed up & slow down all at once. I want to hurry up & get to start our FET cycle.

It's hard not being in control of this aspect of my life & its just not fair that most other women get to control whether or not they have children, when they'll have them. I HATE infertility. I'm just throwing a pity party. Ugh.

Post op appointment

Today I had my post op appointment from the D&C. I got good news that the pathology report was normal, which means no chromosomal abnormalities. It just wasnt our time, that is a baby we will only hold in heaven. I have worried about our other embryos being affected with chromosome abnormalities so this gives me a heap of relief.

My doctor is very supportive & told me to call her anytime even if I just need to talk. She's been through IVF & FET herself, so she knows the roller coaster ride I'm on.

Now I just wait for my cycle to start so I can go to RE for a baseline ultrasound & hopefully start our first FET.

Anxiously awaiting

I can't believe that we have now been TTC for 29 months, not just TTC but ACTIVELY beyond anything my mind could have ever imagined doing, everything humanly, scientifically possible to create our baby. And still no baby. It has been almost 4 months since we've done any fertility treatments because the miscarriage process took way longer than I expected (4 times taking cyotec & finally a d&c). I hate not doing anything... I need to feel like I am making progress, or even if I'm not at least feel like we are trying. My hope comes from trying. I am beyond ready for our first FET. I absolutely have never been more anxious to get a cycle started. I wasn't even this anxious about starting our IVF cycle. I've been staring at my FET cycle meds for what seems like forever just waiting on my cycle so that I can apply those patches, pop those pills, & have hubby shoot me up with progesterone. It's insane that I'm ready for that & want it... But those things are steps we have to do to make a baby. Those that can just have sex & make it happen do not & will not ever realize what a blessing that is.

After losing our little miracle I have such a fear that none of our remaining embryos will ever become a healthy living child. This thought has me thinking more about the option of adoption. At the start of our IVF cycle I was so convinced it would result in me becoming a mother. I didn't even want to entertain the thought of not giving birth to my own child. I have been longing for the pregnancy experience as much as I've been longing for the child. But after the loss & lots of thinking (which I sometimes do way too much of) I just want a baby. I do not care where it comes from, who it comes from I just NEED to be a mother. Ideally it would be to a child Chris & I have created that share our DNA because I just know that the mix of us would be the most perfect child. But that may not be God's will for us. And I just started crying as I typed that last sentence because that thought is still a huge fear for me. But I know that I could fall in love with a baby that is not biologically my own just as much, because my real longing is to mother a child, to raise a child to love & serve the Lord. I am going to be a mother one day. It may not be to a child I give birth to but I will be a mother.

This is not saying in anyway shape or form we are giving up on creating a little Medlin. I personally have to continue trying until God tells me it's time to move in another direction & I'm not there yet, neither is my hubby. But if that time comes I am okay with it & will feel just as blessed to love any child God gives me no matter where it comes from.

Just what we needed

We returned from our week long vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains yesterday. It was just what we needed. When I booked this vacation I was pregnant & was thinking this would be our babymoon, our last vacation alone before baby came in February. Little did I know I would find out our baby went to heaven on July 17th.

We continued with the vacation because with everything that we've been through this year we really needed the time away. Our first stop was in Pigeon Forge at The Christmas Place. I have a thing for ornaments & I have one for all major life events & one for every vacation I've been on. We purchased an angel ornament in memory of our angel. Our baby will forever be in our hearts. When we left the Christmas place we went into a little boutique that was right beside it. As soon as we walked in there was a section of adorable baby clothes & a couple that looked a little younger than us with their baby that looked to be about 9 months old. They were laughing & purchasing adorable little outfits. We left the store at about the same time they did & they stopped to look at some caged birds they held her to the cage and laughed and pointed the birds out to her. & I felt that heartache that will never go away. We got into the car & I cried, I just hate seeing anything to remind me of my crushed dreams. Sometimes it seems like everyone else even the ones who seem to be undeserving in my eyes get the joy of motherhood while my heart just breaks with the desire. I don't understand why it can't be us.

But I have hope & I pray for peace in my heart to accept His will in my life. We had a great vacation. We spent a week in the gorgeous mountains. We camped for 2 nights at Elkmont campground. As we drove through Cade's Cove on our last full day of vacation I stared at the most beautiful land my eyes have ever seen & I felt blessed. I sat beside the man I prayed for. I have spent many a day wondering if I'd ever have a love like I have now & God blessed me & He is not finished yet.

River right across from our campsite at Elkmont Campground

Cade's Cove

Cade's Cove

Cade's Cove Methodist Church built in 1902

Just venting

Late post from 9 4/14
I know that for he next 9 months I will always think about what life would have been like at this time, heck i will probably do that for the rest of my life. This weekend I would have marked 17 weeks. I look at photos of other pregnant women at 17weeks and wonder what would my baby bump look like right now, how would it feel to feel the baby kick & move. I am sad, sometimes I feel like I am in this deep pit all alone that i will never climb out of. Then other times I feel full of hope & peace. My emotions are like a roller coaster. It can take one little thought, one little reminder & I'm falling apart in my grief. I know this is "normal", & "time will heal" I've heard it a million times. I'm tired of being stuck I want a baby. I just want to be a mother to a a child that I can love. If it was as easy as just taking one of the many children no one loves/wants in this world I would take one of those little miracles in a heartbeat. As much as I want a child of our own one that is biologically a part of us I want to be a mother more. & I will not give up trying to make that happen until I have to but I can & would love & mother any baby. In 6 short months I will turn 30. I never imagined I would be turning 30 without a family. I thought by now I'd have at least 3 kids possibly more. The one thing in life I want more than ANYTHING, I can't make it happen. I'm so scared Chris & I will grow old with no babies or grand babies filling our home. This thought breaks my heart into a million pieces.

On a hopeful note I am ready for FET and I am so anxious to get started with meds again as horrible as they are, they're hope for me that they will bring our miracle & if I had to take a needle everyday for the rest of my life that's nothing compared to the joy a baby would bring to our lives. I can't wait & at the same time I dread walking into my RE's office again for scans monitoring the progress. People that can just make a baby on their own don't realize how blessed they are. To be able to just decide u want a baby & have it happen I can't even imagine. Its so unfair. God my heart aches for that.

Just venting.

Tonight I just wanna cry

Tomorrow at 7:30am I will go to women's hospital for pre-op for a D&C that will be done at 9am. Exactly 3 months from the the date of our embryo transfer. On May 29th I became pregnant with our angel. I became a mother that day. Even though our baby went to heaven a little more than a month ago we have been unable to move forward. I will never forget & I will never stop loving our precious baby. The hurt will never go away completely. I need to move forward but at the same time I dont want to. I can't explain that. I don't want to feel this way forever but this is our baby that won't be talked about that won't be remembered by anyone but us. No one else got to meet him/her but I did & I love her more than anyone else in this world will ever understand. I don't want her to be gone but she is and she has been for more than a month now. Tomorrow just makes it real again it brings back this ache. Its weird how on Tuesday when the d&c was scheduled how much relief i had just knowing that after Friday we can move forward, not forget but move foward. And right now it sounds crazy but the last thing I want to do is move forward. I want that baby back I want to be 16 weeks pregnant on Saturday not recovering from a d&c. Tonight I'm heartbroken. I know once its over things will get better & I'll feel hope again but tonight I just wanna cry.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I went today for my 4th ultrasound since finding out our baby went to heaven. I took 4 rounds of cyotec (med to assist in miscarriage) usually 1-2 rounds does the job. And even after 4 rounds there is still a small amount of fetal tissue left. This whole process was horrible but not being able to move on from this simply because my body won't pass the tissue has made this more difficult. But after seeing my doctor today I was given the option to wait for my natural cycle & see if it passes on its on which there's a good chance it will not or I can do a d&c. I want this over its been almost a month and a half now. So I will be having surgery Friday to remove the remaining tissue. I feel disappointment & relief all at the same time. I tried my best to avoid surgery because it has its risks especially when I'm already infertile. But this has to be done. I feel relief knowing that after Friday we can finally move forward from this horrible process. All I can do is pray & trust that there will be no negative effects from the surgery.

Heartache

This weekend has not been an easy one. It would have marked 15 weeks of pregnancy. I can't help but think about what I'd be feeling now, would I feel the baby moving, how big would my belly be. This week I would have found out the sex of the baby. I just love & want our baby in my arms. My heart aches. I went a little while without feeling this ache I had been keeping positive thoughts & trying to not think about would could have been, but this weekend I have been just missing & longing  for  our little angel.

In life I will always work with or see people in public that in my opinion do not deserve children & that will never be easy for me. I work with drug addicts (I'm a psych nurse) so it is evident everyday. To watch a woman curse with every other sentence, drug addict, attention seeking, manipulator play with a beautiful baby girl of her own crushes me. Why does a meth addict who uses God's name in vain at the drop if a hat get to bear a child but I can't? Its hard for me to accept that. I just want a child to love.

Update from today's appointment

Went back for my 3rd ultrasound since finding out our baby had gone to heaven... A little over a month later & I still have a very small amount of fetal tissue left. My doctor is on vacation this week so another doctor reviewed my ultrasound and said that I have 3 options do a d&c, take another round of the medication, or wait for my body to  expel it on its own. So I've decided to do another round of the medicine. I really want this whole process to be over with I wish I had a d&c to start with so I could be long ago finished with this process.... But this past time my doctor told me the amount that is left is so small that the risks of surgery are not worth it. But if my body won't expel it on its own it will be my only option. I am so ready to move on, emotionally I am ready but my body isn't cooperating... What's new? FET will now be even later than expected.we may be looking at November & I f I have to have a d&c it could be December.

My prayer...

Tomorrow is my 3rd ultrasound since finding out our baby's heart had stopped beating. The past 2 times there was still some fetal tissue. Hopefully tomorrow's ultrasound will show that we're completely done with this horrible process. It has been over a month & I honestly feel better than I have in quite a while. Right now I can honestly say the worries are very minimal & I feel thankful for the pregnancy thankful to be a mother, one day I will be with our baby again & I am content in life. That is nothing short of God's grace & work in my life. My prayers now are just to be close to my Heavenly Father & let my true longing in life be to love Him more & draw closer to Him. I don't pray for God to take my desire for motherhood away but I pray for His will in my life & whatever that may be I want to be satisfied with that. If that means I will never be a mother on this earth at this moment I am OK with that. I can honestly say that right this second, tomorrow I may not be able to but for now my life is good & I am thankful for where I am. I want to be a mother & I feel like that feeling will never go away.  But I AM A MOTHER. I pray our FET is successful if that's God's will, if not I pray for strength... Strength like I have right now. God has filled me with His strength & I praise Him for it.

Eternity...

Yesterday would have marked our 13th week of pregnancy. We would have been out of that first trimester,  out of the scariest months of pregnancy. I've cried a lot this weekend. I can't help but think about what could have been & its hard to accept it will never be. I will never hold that baby here I will never look at chubby cheeks or any of those things. Sometimes I think I have the questioning behind me but its still here & it probably always will be. I will see someone pregnant or a mother that I think "I know I would be a better mother than her. I'd actually take care of & love my child". People having babies that can't take care of themselves. But that is the human in me... Who am I to judge God's work? His plans are far beyond my comprehension because they are far greater than anything I could plan.

It has been a rainy cool weekend here & last night my hubby & I rented Redbox movies & laid in bed the windows open, listening to the rain come down. We we watched 'heaven is for real' based on a true story. I had read the book several years ago, before we started down this journey. It was a good book but didn't touch my heart the way it did last night. In the movie the little 4 year old boy has a near death experience & visits heaven, there he meets his sister who he had no idea ever existed who had died in his mommy's tummy. The tears were flowing & Chris just held me tight... But not sad tears. That was just another reassurance God has sent to me. One sweet day I will meet my Heavenly Father & I will spend eternity with my baby. That baby of ours is most definitely without a single doubt up in heaven right now, she/he (we always call it a she because we both felt like it was a girl) is up there with my nanny. I am not sad she's there its a much greater place than this earth but I am selfish & want her here for us to love & enjoy. But just knowing I will see her, love her, hold her, kiss her, hug her & do every other thing I long to do with her one day gives me hope, peace & reason to keep going. We have our lives to live here on earth but I will keep my main focus not on what's here but on eternity... What is to come, what will never fade away but last forever.

Its amazing when I take the time to remember that truth how much better I feel about life, how much hope I have. I am officially finished miscarrying & we can move forward. I am anxious,excited & scared to try again. But I know its what we both want & are meant to do. We have 7 embryos that God blessed us with. They may never become a life on this earth & one of them may be our blessing we've been waiting on, we will never know if we don't continue to try. So we're currently waiting for my cycle to start which will be our first FET(frozen embryo transfer) cycle. Even if this is not the last miscarriage we have have to endure everything works together for our good & we will get through whatever comes our way.

We can move forward...

Yesterday I went back for another ultrasound after taking my secind  round of medication that is supposed to help speed this whole miscarriage process up. There is still a small amount left. The baby is not recognizable now like last time, thank God. I had my ultrasound yesterday morning was told by the ultrasound tech that she would have the Dr call me. I just assumed the Dr would be calling me that same day. I mean I have been dealing with this for 22days now... & just wanting this to be over!!!!! I was told last time that if it was not out I would need to have a d&c this time to remove it. But since there's not a lot left I'm not sure what the plan is now. So I waited anxiously all afternoon no call. I called them & was told my ultrasound still wasn't in the chart therefore it had not been reviewed by my Dr who had already left for the day & that they will call tomorrow. So here I am at 0950 & haven't heard a thing still just wondering what will have to be done. This whole process is difficult enough to deal with I shouldn't have to wait & wonder.

I'll just never understand this. Its supposed to get easier yet its not. Here we are going on 3 years of actively trying to concieve there hasnt been a single month in the past 27 months that we haven't tracked ovulation, done fertility meds, iui's or IVF protocols. I'm so tired of it I'm just tired. But I can't let it go. Some may never understand but those that don't understand already have given birth to a child of their own. Everyone that says just adobt or some other other careless remark like take some time... Already has their baby they don't know what this feels like. I get on fb & everyone else in the world has babies. There were a dozen born this week. My heart just breaks. People that already have children get to have more & more while I just wait broken not understanding... But we keep on keeping on. That's the only choice we have just hanging on to that tiny thread of hope, its what gets us through.

Dr just called great news... No d&c the fetal tissue is gone. She is going to talk to the ultrasound tech Monday to just make sure she's clear on what she saw. But I shouldn't have to do the meds again either. She said the rest should come out with my regular cycle. I am feeling so much relief. We can finally move on & just try again.

My strength comes from the Lord.

Sometimes I wonder if this aching broken feeling I have is ever going to go away. Its so weird how in the span of a day I can start off feeling so hopeless & broken to feeling full of hope. That's the almighty power of the good Lord & nothing else. Mornings are usually horrible for me. This morning I laid on the bathroom floor and just screamed, cried, & prayed. The house was empty with my husband at work & it gives me a chance to get these feelings out without any explanantion. God has given me strength & I know that with His help I will get through this. I will never ever forget our sweet angel but I will live life again. I feel hopeful one day we will have a baby here on earth & neither of us is nowhere near giving up on that... & I believe that's for a reason. We do still have 7 embryos frozen & every single one of them is for a reason & part of God's plan for our lives. I am so thankful for this pregnancy & the happiness it brought us. I praise the Lord for everything he gives & takes away. I've grown & learned from this experience I have truly been at my breaking point & I know without a doubt that my strength comes from the Lord. I am a mother because God blessed me with a baby... One day I will get to spend eternity with our precious blessing & that is such comfort to my broken heart.

I've connected with so many other women that walk this journey I pray that they all experience the peace & strength of God. I wouldn't be here today if not for my relationship with my Savior he has saved me in more ways than one.

And it gets worse...

As if this whole this whole experience hasn't been bad enough, it gets worse. Yesterday I went for my follow up ultrasound after a little over a week from having an attempt at a medication assisted miscarriage. & surprisingly baby is still there, I have not miscarried yet. I will now likely have to have a surgical procedure (D&C) to remove the baby. I will be speaking with my doctor this morning to discuss the next steps. I had to go back to that room & stare at our baby's lifeless perfect little body all over again. It brought back all the same feelings I had the first time I layed there in that ultrasound room & it was the most awful feeling I have ever felt. I just do not & will not understand why this is happening to me. I am so angry & heartbroken. I feel like I was on the mend, I was just getting to the point I was starting to have a little glimmer of hope again & I feel like I'm right back to square one.

I need prayers for strength, faith & peace. I am going to continue leaning on God. I will not lose sight of eternity that I will spend with our sweet baby, I will not allow the devil to take that from me. As much as I question God's reasons for allowing this to happen, I am going to put my faith & trust in Him.

Update: After speaking with my doctor this afternoon and weighing the pros & con's of doing a d&c I have decided to do another medication assisted miscarriage. As much as I like the thought of having the d&c & not having to face the awfulness of the whole process I am concerned there is a slight risk of numerous side effects of d&c that can effect future fertility so I have decided to try the medication one more time. If it is not successful this round we will have no choice but to do the d&c. I will go back for a follow up ultrasound on August 7th to see if it was sucessful.

So we fix our eyes not in what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18

Mixed Emotions

Today is the first ultrasound since  miscarriage. I will have to go back to that same ultrasound room where I last layed eyes on our baby with no heartbeat. I'm so dreading it. I've replayed that day & the words "the baby's heart is not beating" a billion times over in my head. & the thought of that room makes me sick to my stomach. Just ready for this to be over with, & unfortunately my appointment isn't until 4:30pm so I get to dread it all day long. I've cried more today than I have in a few days & there's a knot in my throat. I just can't even explain my feelings.

On a brighter note I called my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office today told them about the miscarriage & discussed doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer) with the nurse. things are so much less intense for for FET as compared to IVF. I'll only have to go for 3 appointments. At the start of the next cycle I'll be able to get started with meds in preparation for the transfer. Who knows when that will be after having the miscarriage, hopefully within the next month. I'll go in for a baseline ultrasound on day 2 of my cycle & if everything looks good will start estrogen that day. I'll go back for another ultrasound  approximately 15 days later then I'll start progesterone injections & transfer will be 5 days later. We will transfer 2 of our 7 frozen embryos. I'm feeling more hopeful just to get back into trying again & it gives me something to be hopeful about.

My hope Journal: The Ultimate Promise

This is the beginning of my hope journal to accompany a book that I am working through.  This book is spiritually based & incorporates journaling.  It was recommended by a friend who has also experienced a miscarriage.

The story of my loss is written in the previous entries here in my blog.

If I could talk to God in person the questions I would ask him are the same ones I have asked him. Mostly is "why?". After all we've been through. 2+years of struggling to get pregnant. Month after month of getting our hopes up to only be let down why should i have to go through this.  Just why?

My loss has been like a storm because I have no control. Just the way you have no control over a storm & the dark clouds loom over... I can't change this.  I can't make these clouds disappear. Even though the sun may shine outside,in my life I feel darkness.

My life preserver during this storm has been God.  Through prayer & the strength God has given me I'm able to get up in the mornings.  Through God's word I feel like I have a glimmer of hope.

Reading through this book in the shadow of my loss I hope to bring away a sense of hope most of all. I know I'll never understand exactly why this happened but I hope to keep my faith in God & not doubt him or feel anger towards him.

My Prayer:

Dear God thank you for Chris my loving husband. Thank you for the love we share.  Even if I'm never blessed with a child here on earth help me to realize how blessed I am to have him & let me feel satisfaction with that. Please give me strength Lord to deal with this. Give me hope for our future Lord.  Help me to be closer to you God. Thank you for the strength. I know this is a part of your plan, May I always remember that. Forgive me for my anger & doubts. In Jesus name I pray.
Amen.

My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:50

God's Promise

I hate the feeling I get in the mornings when I wake up. I have a feeling of hopelessness, anger, and I'm overwhelmed with sadness. Usually as the day goes on I feel more hopeful after prayer, but that overwhelming burden I feel every morning as soon as I wake up feels like it will overcome me. When I am sleeping I don't have to feel the pain.

When my grandmother was dying of cancer, her Sunday school teacher gave her a leather bound God's Promises book. My nanny was the sweetest woman I will ever know, she loved the Lord with all her heart. She leaned on the Lord during life's struggles and everyday. Her bookmarks are still in that book. I now have her book and I have found comfort in reading the verse's and leaning on God's promises during this time. There is a bookmark on the pages that contain this scripture God has led me to:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

This gives me peace, hope, and assures me that God's strength is stronger than the pain that I face. Because he lives I can face tomorrow. I have to remind myself of this all day long sometimes every minute. I am heartbroken, I can't even explain the ache I have. I love the Lord and I know that he has a plan for my life. I praise the Lord for this because it's all a part of his plan, then the next second I am so angry and question him. But my heart truly knows the love of God and I know that He has great plans for me.

Just getting some feelings out...

Writing about my feelings helps me to deal with them. I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings in words, but just the attempt of it helps me in some odd way. The past 4 days have been surreal for me and horrible to say the least. We have received a ton of messages and phone calls offering prayers & support. & honestly I have ignored them. The last thing I can explain is how I feel when you ask me how I'm feeling, am I doing okay? I am coping, I am dealing. In no way do I feel okay. I've laid in bed for 4 days, I haven't been outside and I don't want to. I don't want to pretend I feel okay about this yet, because I don't. I want to have my crying spells when I feel like I need to cry. I don't want to have to hold this in & act like this isn't happening. So please try to understand if you've messaged me multiple times and I haven't replied this is why.

I am accepting that this is real that there's no changing it.... but God I wish this wasn't real. I just imagine the day I heard her heartbeat and imagining the future we had with her and in the matter of a second that was ripped from me. I will never hear her heartbeat again, I will never hold her here on earth. I won't get a chance to stare at her face and take in her beauty the way I had dreamed of. & the thing that made this even more difficult to deal with was coming home knowing that she was still inside of me but she wasn't living inside me anymore. I dreamed that night that it was a mistake that her heart really was still beating and that they had just made a mistake. Then I woke up and the reality sank in all over again and that was just a dream. This whole thing is like a nightmare, one that I will never wake up from. At first I wished this had never happened that I had never got pregnant but that's not true I am thankful I had 45 days with her, 45 days of dreaming of what our life would be like with her.... because those were the best thoughts that have ever filled my imagination. I am thankful that Chris and I created a life together, thankful for the chance to love her. We have a baby together, she may not be here on earth but we created life and she lives in heaven.

I am so afraid of what the future holds for us, so afraid this isn't the last time I will go through this. We have 7 frozen embryos and we will do a frozen embryo transfer as soon as we're able to. I will be 30 soon and I am not getting any younger, the fear of never giving birth to a life we created looms over me every day. I haven't dreamed about being a mother since childhood to just let that dream go. We will not give up until we have no other choice. God has instilled this desire in my heart and I know he will bless us. I just don't believe we've had to endure journey to not have a blessing come our way.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD.
1 Samuel 27-28

Our sweet angel's heart didn't beat long....
 but this was the sweetest sound I ever heard.

Our Angel

On the morning of June 2, 2014 I held a positive pregnancy test in my hand, I trembled and my heart felt as if it would beat right out of my chest. Then on July 17th I laid on the exam table at 9 weeks 5 days of pregnancy as I stared at our perfectly formed baby on the ultrasound screen with no heartbeat. My heart beat the same way it did when I found out that baby was living inside me, my body trembled the same way too. The image of this perfectly formed baby will forever be with me. Her little head, arms, and legs were perfect. This pregnancy brought me more happiness and more heartbreak than anything ever has. Every single day of my pregnancy I said a prayer "God please let this baby grow to be healthy, God give me strength if that is not your will". I said that prayer for 45 days of our baby's life. & God has answered my prayer. God is giving me strength. My heart is broken, at moments I have felt and even said that I want to go to sleep and not wake back up to this nightmare. I have even felt moments of anger towards God for this, I have questioned him. "God why, after all we have been through would you do this to me? Why do you hate me God?". But I feel ashamed of those thoughts the devil will place thoughts like those into your head when you're vulnerable and weak. I know that there is no love greater than God's love for me. I know this is a part of God's divine plan for my life. I absolutely don't understand it right now, not in any way, shape or form, but one day I will. I am thankful for the days I had with our sweet angel. I am thankful I got to hear her heartbeat, that was the best day of my life, and I am thankful I will see my baby again, I will rock her, hold her, sing to her, lover her for all the days of eternity when I get to heaven. With God's strength we will get through this.

weeks 7-9

6 weeks