One day, I will be happy again.

I have had 3 negative pregnancy tests. My beta is tomorrow so I will have it confirmed by the doctor that this cycle is a fail. In 3 years I should be used to this by now... I should be used to that second line never showing up. I will never get used to this. I have not thrown away any of the test they are laying on the bathroom counter & I keep hoping something will just appear that some miraculous line is just going to pop up! I've held them under the bathroom light, under the window light & stared praying I'd see something. But there is nothing there, because I am not pregnant.

My heart is beyond broken, it is shattered into a million pieces and at moments I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. I have a constant battle in my mind between every worse case scenario possible followed by a prayer to not think that way. My mind never stops, it never rests. I am constantly thinking "what if I never get to carry our child". I replay that nightmare in my head over & over & over. I know I need to pray, to lean on the only one that can help me, to trust in God. Sometimes its so hard, sometimes its easier to just fall apart. I've prayed for our child since before we were married, from the day we fell in love I have prayed for our child. I am still waiting, still praying. I think it's human nature to question if my prayers are being heard. But if I don't believe they are I would surely crumble. I must believe that God has great plans for us, plans to bless us with a family. If I don't believe that I'm merely surviving.  I'm not ready to give up on getting pregnant. Sometimes I think I am, that I want to just adopt. But I'm not there yet & I realized that the second I knew this cycle had failed. I feel lost & hopeless not continuing down this road. The thought of taking a detour scares the crap out of me. We will keep going until we are absolutely at a dead end. We will do absolutely whatever it takes to keep going. Financially this is hard, we have to pay thousands of dollars to keep trying, insurance doesn't cover infertility. We didn't choose this, we don't want to be going through this. This is not an option for us. The government pays for sorry, low life drug addicts to have babies then supports them their whole lives & we don't have any assitance. This is a cruel world we live in. I am just thankful this is not eternal. My eternity is going to be spent on the streets of gold with all 9 of our babies because I believe all our embryos are their waiting for us too, they once were living.

I'm blessed to have the support of other women who are in my shoes. I tell them all the positive things they need to hear when they're drowning in their sorrow & they do the same for me. Because there's not a soul in this world that could even begin to comprehend this heartache, if you haven't been there. And Lord knows I have had my share of heartache in other areas of my life but it doesn't come close to this pit I'm in right now. Yesterday I was talking with one of the few friends that I have right now that gets where I'm at and she said to me "nothing is forever not a day a month or a year it all passes and a better day month or year comes nothing is forever our suffering isn't forever". I thank God & praise him that this is the truth. I am blessed to have parents, a husband, and friends to lean on & I am thankful for that. Whatever Gods plan is for us I want it, and hard as it is to pray if God doesn't have it in his plan for me to birth our child I don't want to. I want what God wants. That's sometimes very hard to accept. Whatever His plan for me is I know its for good not evil & He wants me to be happy. One day I will be happy again.