So many emotions

I have so many emotions running through me I can't even begin to explain this feeling. It's as if I'm floating on a cloud at the thought that very soon we will be bringing our baby boy into this world. This perfect little human that God, Chris, and I made. The miraculousness of it is just far beyond words so I won't even try. My heart is about to explode, I have tears  welling up in my eyes at the thought of seeing OUR son for the first time, touching his precious skin and getting the opportunity to do everything I've ever dreamed of... Be a mother. I am a little nervous at the thought of labor and the pain. Will I be able to do this? Of course, all mothers go through this. My body is made for this. When it wasn't so long ago I remember fearing my body would never get to experience this. I embrace this and with every second of pain I am going to try to remember this is nothing absolutely nothing in comparison to the pain of never getting to experience it and 10 months ago that's where we were living with the fear this would never be. God is a miracle worker, he created this miracle for me and I praise Him for it with all my heart. My heart is full I can't wait to show everyone our blessing very soon. May God bless Grayson's little body and he be healthy, amen.

Induction

Had my 39 week OB appointment today and I'm ecstatic to inform everyone there will be no more OB appointments for this pregnancy. We have an induction date! We aren't sharing the date due to wanting complete alone time without being overwhelmed with visitors but plan to let everyone know just as soon as we have had a chance to bond with him for a couple of hours. The next post here will be the delivery story. We plan to enjoy the last few days we have just the two of us with lots of talk about how we can't wait to kiss chubby cheeks and tiny toes. We both appreciate every prayer sent up for this pregnancy and a heathy baby. Please continue those prayers that our boy will be healthy and delivery goes well. Thank you.

38 weeks 4 days

Since the snow has melted off the roadways I'm back on the mission to get Grayson out. I layed around during the snow storm and didn't do too much of anything besides relax. Yesterday I spent a lot of time on my birthing ball bouncing and squatting. I ate spicy chicken for supper and drank some raspberry leaf tea. The bouncing and squatting is pretty self explanatory and is supposed to help get him deeper into the pelvis. I guess it's just an old wives tale that spicy food is supposed to induce labor I don't think there's any scientific proof of it. The raspberry leaf tea isn't necessarily supposed to induce labor but it is supposed to assist you once labor has started in making the contractions stronger therefore shortening labor time. I'm drinking 3 cups per day of it. Today I went shopping with my mom to get some things for Grayson for her to keep at her house since she will be looking after him when I go back to work. We then went to the mall and walked around the entire mall a few times. By the time I left I was so tired. I rested and felt pretty good so I did a little more ball bouncing and plan to do some squatting before I go to bed. I also have a pineapple I plan to cut into this evening. Eating fresh pineapple is said to help soften the cervix and I've heard success stories with it. Still haven't had very many contractions today but feel a lot more pressure than normal. I may not be helping progression a bit by doing all this but at least I feel like I am doing something. I am so ready to meet my little miracle.

38 weeks

Just a warning this post may contain TMI... I'm so used to talking with my online infertility friends about this stuff so it's nothing to us to share these things with each other but you may not wanna read this one if you don't want to hear details.

Only 2 weeks until little Grayson's due date!!! I've said it a million times but this pregnancy has flown by... All except for these last few weeks. I am so ready to meet our little guy. Contractions have picked up within the last week with 2 episodes where I was thinking this might be it, this might be the day we head to the hospital. But as you can see it's not time time yet. Update from yesterday's appointment: first of all a very stressful day! After yesterday I will not be having anymore cervical checks until I have to. The curiosity of my progress is not worth the worry I went through yesterday. Started off my appointment was at 10am they got me back quicker than normal I was in had my exam and was out in no time. Cervix had dilated to 2cm this week and 50% effaced. Didn't have anymore pain than normal during my exam and left the office headed to my parents house for a few then the plan was to go to the park to walk a little with momma before the snow came in today. As soon as I stepped out of the truck I felt a gush and I told momma I felt like I had peed myself. I immediately thought my water may have just broken. I go into the bathroom to discover I had a gush of blood and it continued. I immediately called the OB office where I had to talk with the triage nurse who was relaying my messages to my doctor whom had left the office and was at the hospital. Eventually my doctor called me herself and explained it was normal as long as it was letting up and not to worry but if it picked back up to call her back. And for a brief time I thought it was letting up, I felt better wasn't worried to death and could feel Grayson moving. But then I returned home only to walk from the vehicle to the bathroom with 2 more gushes and I began to panic again. After all I've come this far and this was scary to me. I've always bled a little after a cervical exam but this was way more than a little. I talked with my doctor again who asked me to come back to the office to be seen again. By this time it was about 3pm and all day long I had been just terrified and my head was pounding from the stress. I returned to the office and was checked out of course the bleeding had all but stopped again when I got there and on top of it all I felt really stupid for getting so worried. Everything was okay Grayson was active, his heartbeat was normal, my cervix was just very irritated from the exam, and there were no signs of placental abruption which is what I was so scared of. She explained that if it had been placental abruption when she pushed on my belly it would be very painful which it was not. I returned home and felt so much relief to know for sure all was well. I just know now I will not be having anymore cervical exams unless the doctor feels they are absolutely necessary. It was not worth all that worry. I am curious as to the progress that's being made but it really does not make one difference how far dilated or effaced I am... When it's time, it's time and I will know it. I had a few contractions yesterday evening while lying in bed which doesn't normally happen, they're usually when I'm up and about. Haven't had anything this morning. We are in the middle of a snow storm here so I wouldn't mind if he held off till next week to make his arrival. But if he does decide it's time during this winter storm we have the 4wd filled with gas, bags are packed and we will make the trip to the hospital and just pray we get there safely and in time. 

This photo was taken yesterday before the big snow storm. I will try to get out in this one once it's all done falling to get a photo.

37 weeks

As of tomorrow I will be 37 weeks pregnant aka FULL TERM. Cannot believe how fast this pregnancy has passed. We are truly down to the last days now he could come anytime. Had an OB appointment today. Not much to update from last weeks appointment. This week I am dilated to a "little" more than 1cm but not quite to to 2cm yet so not much progress from last week. Now that I'm officially full term I am ready! I will be walking and birthing ball sitting daily until he arrives. Don't want to force him to come earlier than when he's ready but definitely doing my part to assist him. Walked 1mile at the park this afternoon which may not sound like a lot but to someone who is having a hard time standing for long periods is a pretty good accomplishment. I honestly didn't think I would have been able to make it that far due to my back pain. And it seems contractions usually start up when I'm up moving about, but only a few contractions all day so far. Probably could have walked a little further but I don't want to overdo it. It won't be long now and we couldn't be more excited. Hubby is getting pretty anxious too... Which is so sweet to witness. 

36 weeks

Going to try to document as much as possible these last days of pregnancy. Last night I slept very little. I was up and down all night long and when I was down I was just trying to sleep. I did get to take a nap this morning and ended up getting out of bed around noon. I got out all of bottles today,washed and sterilized them. Seemed like an all day event. I can't stand up for long periods of time due to my back hurting so bad and being bent over the kitchen sink didn't help. I've always had back pain related to scoliosis and it has only worsened with pregnancy. But I am finally finished with all the bottles woo hop!! I cleaned out a cabinet just for formula and bottles. I'm excited to get them all organized. I also lost what I'm pretty sure is the remainder of my mucus plug today. Now I just wait. I'm scheduled to work Monday and Tuesday so after that I will begin walking and sitting on the birthing ball to hopefully speed things up. That's pretty much been the extent of my day.

Appointment update

Today I'm 35 weeks 6 days and had an OB appointment this am. I had a cervical check and he is in position head down, cervix dilated to 1cm and thinning. I lost my mucus plug today also. Thinking it won't be too much longer now. Going to start sterilizing bottles this weekend to prepare in case I have to supplement with formula. We are ready.

2am

Been awake since midnight. Sleep has pretty much been very little to non existent the last couple of nights. Starting yesterday morning around 7:30am I had a contraction that brought me to tears and scared me, because I hadn't felt anything quite like that before. They came off and on all day yesterday not as severe but mildly. I fell asleep around 9:30pm last night and woke up at 12 with a pain in my pelvis that I have no idea how to even describe, other than it feels like intense pressure on my cervix. It's constant at times and rarely goes away, it worsens when I stand and it has me very concerned about how I will get through the 5 remaining shifts I have left at work. I  have also had indigestion this morning and haven't eaten anything since around 6:30pm. I can't lay down and it hurts to sit up. I am physically to the point that I am ready to get Grayson out, but want him to stay in at a minimum of 37 weeks for his benefit. I just keep thinking if I have to feel like this for weeks I don't know how I'm going to do it. I've never felt anything like this before. I got up to get a glass of milk a few minutes ago to hopefully help with the indigestion and had another intense contraction. I guess that's what it is because my whole entire abdomen gets really hard and it hurts so,so bad very low in my pelvis. I'm very anxious for my appointment Thursday, it can't get here soon enough. Told my hubby tonight I am pretty sure my plans for a natural labor will be out the window and I will be asking for an epidural. 

Feel like I'm being a big baby about it... Every woman goes through this. The hormones aren't helping, I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm pretty sure I could sit here and just cry for hours and I don't even know why. I am happy and I am thankful for all of this.

33 weeks 5 days

Lately I've been totally exhausted all I want to do is lay around and do absolutely nothing. Every chance I get that's exactly what I do. Today I had an OB appointment. Belly is measuring right where it should be between 33-34weeks. Heart rate was good and he was being a busy little bee. The past few days he has been pretty active. He gets the hiccups daily now some days 2-3 times a day. I am still sleeping fairly well but have a hard time getting comfortable. Whenever I try to change positions in the bed I told Hubby I feel like a walrus. Was telling my momma that and she said kind of like the little boy on a Christmas story that is all bundled up and falls in the snow and can't get up. That's exactly how I feel when trying to roll over or get up out of bed lol. I've gained 29.5lbs started out at 116 and am now at 145.5. Should be gaining about a pound a week from now until delivery. My next OB appointment will be 1/7/15 and after that I will be going weekly until delivery. I cannot get over how fast it has flown by. I wish i could bottle up how I feel and keep it forever, the kicks and hiccups I will miss so much. I've never been happier in all my life. We have so much to be thankful for this Christmas. And as wonderful as this Christmas is next will be even better because we will have a little boy crawling around. Can't wait to do Christmas bigger than we ever have before! I'm probably going to start Christmas shopping for his first Christmas in February. Every day will be better because of him! Words can't express the love and joy I have all because of this baby boy.

So close...

 It's amazing how when you're young time seems to drag by, all you want to do is grow up, have the school year end and the days seem to last forever. It feels like the older I get the faster time passes by. My pregnancy hasn't been any different and today I shed a few tears at the realization of how fast it is passing. Just the thought of Grayson's childhood passing so fast already breaks my heart and he has not even arrived yet. My pregnancy will be coming to an end before we know it and we will be holding this little miracle in our arms. I couldn't be happier but it's bitter sweet in a way. Knowing in a few short weeks I will never feel him kick, move, hiccup inside my body again. You never know when a moment will the be last so I'm choosing to enjoy every single little thing. Today he has had the hiccups 3 times and I stop to truly feel it and hold my hand there and just soak it up. My precious little boy is learning how to gulp and breath preparing to meet us soon. God is so amazing. To think in 40 short weeks our boy will develop into a unique little baby. Life doesn't get any sweeter than this. I promise to never take it for granted.

Maternity Sneak peaks...

From our maternity shoot yesterday. These were shot at our home with the talented Nicolette Rackley with a hoot to shoot photography. Love how these turned out and am looking forward to seeing and sharing the rest of them. 32 weeks pregnant!!!

31 weeks

Had an OB appointment this morning, and everything looked great. I'm now going every 2 weeks until 36 weeks then will go weekly. Grayson's heart rate today was 145. I'm measuring at 32 weeks. About 4 weeks ago I had blood work drawn which showed high white blood cells and low platelets, so they redrew it today to recheck those labs. Haven't heard results yet. Throughout the past week I've noticed Grayson being more active in the evenings and at night. Hoping he doesn't get his days and nights mixed up. I can feel his actual body parts through my tummy now, not sure if it's a foot or what exactly but I sometimes can feel him pushing and when you rub my belly you can feel it. I love it!! So amazing. He's moving all around as I type this post. 

Update: 12/8/15

Got a call from the doctors office this am and all my lab work is returning to normal so no worries there. God is good he has Grayson and I wrapped in his arms!

Unexplainable...

I remember when I used to write these blog posts and struggle to try to explain the feelings of emptiness and depression that I felt. It was like there were no words to come close to explain what I was feeling, and there weren't, there still isn't. But today I sit here without words to explain the fullness in my heart. To explain to anyone that hasn't been down this road how grateful, how blessed, how overwhelmed with joy that I am is impossible. We go through struggles to appreciate the joys in life. Without a doubt all mothers love their children, all mothers feel an overwhelming love and I'm sure most mothers think that there is no other child in the world loved as much as their's. Not that I think I am or will be a better mother than the other mothers out there, but I will be a better me than I would have been had I not gone through the heartache through the loss. When you struggle for something and obtain it, that something always means more than if you had not struggled. I am overwhelmed and when I say overwhelmed it's because of lack of other words to explain it. Just the thought of my boys tiny toes, his little fingers and nose sends a feeling through me that I will never come close to explaining. It's a love so far beyond what I can even comprehend let alone explain. And I know that love will only grow when I hold him in my arms. I've told Hubby that i don't know how I will even contain mysel, I may sob with joy for days. Today I just feel so thankful. I walk in his room and I praise God for allowing me to experience this! Thank you Lord for giving me this little boy that was meant just for us. As sad as I was with every failed attempt with every day, week, month and year that passed being childless it brought me to this child the one that was meant for us and had it happened years ago like we'd planned it wouldn't be Grayson it just wouldn't be the same! Thank you for that God, beyond words THANK YOU!!

29 weeks 3 days

2 weeks ago I had an ultrasound and previa had not resolved & was 0.5cm away from cervix. They said it must be at least 2 cm away. So we scheduled another ultrasound. We got some great pictures of little Grayson at that time.

So today I went for the repeat ultrasound and previa had completely resolved so a c section will not have to be scheduled at 37 weeks. Which I am thankful for... Good news right before thanksgiving. Today little Grayson was hiding behind the umbilical cord and he was completely folded in half so his feet were in from of his face at times too, along with his little balled up fists. We did get a great shot of his feet and a photo of his fat little cheeks. I just love him so much.

I also had my baby shower this past weekend. My mom put so much work into it and it turned out perfectly. We are very blessed. We did it a little early so it wouldn't interfere with all the holidays. 

22 weeks

I haven't updated here throughout my pregnancy as much as I wish I had. Already more than halfway through my pregnancy, we will be holding our little guy before we know it.

The first trimester was exciting yet very uncomfortable. I pretty much felt like crap the entire time. No energy and constant nausea. Once I hit about 13 weeks I felt like a new person and had it not been for the growing bump I would not have even felt pregnant.

My second trimester has been amazing and I'm loving being pregnant. At 15 weeks we found out we are having a baby boy and I started to feel tiny flutters. We have named our boy Grayson Samuel. Chris felt him move at 20 weeks and now at 22 weeks the movements are really strong. Some days I think if this keeps getting stronger as we go along these kicks might become painful. He has some powerful little kicks. Every time I feel him I get this overwhelming feeling of joy like I've never felt before I came to love this little boy. I've gained a total of 15 pounds so far and the past few days have felt lots of stretching and pulling going on in my abdomen. And my skin already feels so tight. I can only imagine the changes my body still has to go through. I'm so amazed by the changes that have already taken place. As I sit and type this post he is kicking and moving all around. I just paced my hand on my tummy and could see my hand move from his kick. I am so in tune to every little twinge, kick, stretch, pulling going on.

I honestly am going to miss this so much as much as I can't wait to have him in my arms sometimes I already want to be pregnant again... Then some times I think I don't want anymore babies I want to give all my love to him and give him the best of everything. No matter what the future holds for us I'm so overwhelmingly blessed to be pregnant and I have faith that I we will have a healthy boy in a few short months. If I never get to carry another child this will be enough, I'm so thankful.

12 weeks 5 days

Today Chris and I were driving to Greensboro to my OB's office for our NT scan and first trimester screening blood work. I hadn't allowed myself to get nervous until the drive there then all I could think about was the last time I was in that ultrasound room was about 1 year ago when we got the most horrific news we could have ever imagined. I felt like crying and had a knot in my throat in fear that something horrible would be found today.

We arrived to the office and got into the room and a peace came over me and I just knew that everything was going to be alright. The scan proceeded and we saw our jumping little healthy baby pop up on the monitor. He/she was jumping all around arms were swinging and its healthy little heart was just a beating. God is so good and I feel overwhelmed by this blessing growing inside me. We were able to see baby in 3d which was so amazing & got to view the baby from all views, we saw perfect little hands and fingers, little legs, his/her head and I declare our baby is just precious. I'm so in love already. To just think about the day I get to hold him/her in my arms makes me feel like my heart will explode with joy.

On our ride home this afternoon I stared at the print outs of all the photos from today and I could stare at them the rest of the night and not get tired of it. I am so amazed that God has allowed Chris and I to create this little life... To think it's part of us and love created this beautiful little baby. God is so amazing and I could never praise Him enough.

Never forgotten...

1 year ago today we found out our baby had went to heaven. Although today I am 11 weeks pregnant with another little miracle my heart will always ache every time I think of the life we lost. The past year has been the hardest of my life. At times I believed I'd never have the opportunity to carry another child and now that I am I'm terrified of losing this baby too. My heart won't truly be at peace until I hold a healthy baby in my arms....people say just relax stress is not good for the baby.  I know that but bottling up fears and emotions is far more stressful than letting your fears and real thoughts be known and being honest with myself and the ones I'm close too helps me to deal with the anxieties I have.

The baby I am carrying now was conceived with no help from modern medicine... No IUI, IVF, FET. When announcing this pregnancy I've had several people say "all in God's timing, people need to remember that" and "God is better than any doctor". Which is true everything in life happens in God's timing and God is better than anything or anyone. But God works through doctors and a little over a year ago God worked through my doctors to create the baby that we lost. I guess I feel that in some way people diminish the importance of the live we lost.... Which may be the defensive side of me coming out. In no way do I mean to attack anyone's good intentions. Even my husband has made similiar statements. The mother in me wants to protect the fact that baby mattered that baby was created in God's timing too it was no less real and important and it will NEVER be forgotten as long as I live.