I do not want your sympathy that's not my reason for creating this post. I've connected with many other women via internet who are struggling with this same problem & they're a big part of my support system. My story may make just 1 women feel like they're not alone or worthless. I know that feeling & opening up to others who are dealing with infertility has helped me.
My whole entire life all I ever really wanted to be was a wife & mother. It's my dream to have a houseful of kids living on a farm with my husband. Chris &I have tried for almost 2 years to make this dream a reality. On July 30th 2013, after 14 months of trying we sought out medical help & the Dr visits, scans, procedures have been unending since then. And today after 16 failed natural cycles, 2 failed clomid cycles, & 4 failed medicated IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycles I will call my reproductive endocrinologist to discuss moving forward with IVF (Invitro fertilization).
The emotions are simply unexplainable.... There are no words, crushed, devastated, & heartbroken don't come close to describing the pain of not being able to carry a child. I long for the feeling of my child inside of me & I'll do anything to make it happen. I'd give anything to have morning sickness & any other uncomfortable feeling that goes along with being pregnant. To me it would be the most comforting discomfort in the world. I'd give anything to have 1 baby, 1 healthy pregnancy! My faith in God is what has gotten me this far. My faith has strengthened because of this & for that I am thankful. Now we're here at the last step & I'm so scared that this too will fail. I had all the faith in the world that IUI would work for us, even the Dr did. & now here we are. I never dreamed we'd be here.
There are times i just want to curl up in a ball not move & cry all day long, but you have no choice but to go on. Life doesn't stop, even though in some ways I feel my life is at a halt. I'm so thankful to have Chris who is so supportive & allows me to work part time. With the stress of this & full time work I'd surely go insane. As if the emotional & physical stress isn't enough IVF costs upwards of $20,000 which insurance does not cover. Which should be against the law. It covers at least a portion of just about every other disease out there. But if you're suffering from infertility oh well you're on your own.
With IVF the monitoring, tests, & meds are even more intense. I'm scared & worried about what is to come in the next 2 months. If it works I'd endure anything at this point! Heck they could chop my legs off if it meant I'd become a mother.
Sometimes it's hard not to & it's human nature to question God. When u see drug addicts who are pregnant & you long to be a mother but I just remind myself of God's promises & he does have a reason. I ask for prayer from anyone reading this. There is power in numbers.
I tell you, you can PRAY for anything & if you BELIEVE that you've received it. It will be yours. -Mark 11:24
