The emotions you go through with infertility are unexplainable.... there are absolutely no words that could describe the ache & longing you feel. The longer I've dealt with it though I am truly thankful at this point of where I'm at. I'm thankful for the opportunity to realize what a miracle it is to carry a child. I realize this from the depths of my soul. When I become a mother I'll not take one thing for granted. I will be a better mother because of this. I'll cherish every single thing. The other night our dog vomited and I was cleaning it up & I told Chris "I can't wait to get thrown up on by our baby", and it's the truth I will thank God for every dirty diaper, every spit up on me.... every "disgusting" little thing the child does will be a blessing to me. I'll thank God for no sleep because the baby kept me up all night, for temper tantrums because they didn't get their way. I can't wait for those things. All the things other mothers complain about I will cherish, because my heart has ached and longed for it for so long. When/if I am ever blessed enough to experience those things I will remind myself how blessed I am and how all those stressful little things are truly a blessing from above.
We were discussing the other night how long we will keep our frozen embryos if we are blessed enough to have any left over. I told Chris that once I'm 45 we could discard them. He looked at me as if I'm crazy.... like there's no way you're having a baby at the age of 45. I never want to go through this again I never want to have to have another IVF procedure, it is entirely too stressful. I do not want to risk discarding any embryos until I am 100% sure I will never want anymore children. Maybe after I'm blessed enough to have children I will feel differently but until then I will hold onto our embryos as long as possible. Our limit is 3 unless God plans for us to have more.
I just long to be a mother.... every ounce of my being loves our unconcieved child.
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