And it gets worse...

As if this whole this whole experience hasn't been bad enough, it gets worse. Yesterday I went for my follow up ultrasound after a little over a week from having an attempt at a medication assisted miscarriage. & surprisingly baby is still there, I have not miscarried yet. I will now likely have to have a surgical procedure (D&C) to remove the baby. I will be speaking with my doctor this morning to discuss the next steps. I had to go back to that room & stare at our baby's lifeless perfect little body all over again. It brought back all the same feelings I had the first time I layed there in that ultrasound room & it was the most awful feeling I have ever felt. I just do not & will not understand why this is happening to me. I am so angry & heartbroken. I feel like I was on the mend, I was just getting to the point I was starting to have a little glimmer of hope again & I feel like I'm right back to square one.

I need prayers for strength, faith & peace. I am going to continue leaning on God. I will not lose sight of eternity that I will spend with our sweet baby, I will not allow the devil to take that from me. As much as I question God's reasons for allowing this to happen, I am going to put my faith & trust in Him.

Update: After speaking with my doctor this afternoon and weighing the pros & con's of doing a d&c I have decided to do another medication assisted miscarriage. As much as I like the thought of having the d&c & not having to face the awfulness of the whole process I am concerned there is a slight risk of numerous side effects of d&c that can effect future fertility so I have decided to try the medication one more time. If it is not successful this round we will have no choice but to do the d&c. I will go back for a follow up ultrasound on August 7th to see if it was sucessful.

So we fix our eyes not in what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18

Mixed Emotions

Today is the first ultrasound since  miscarriage. I will have to go back to that same ultrasound room where I last layed eyes on our baby with no heartbeat. I'm so dreading it. I've replayed that day & the words "the baby's heart is not beating" a billion times over in my head. & the thought of that room makes me sick to my stomach. Just ready for this to be over with, & unfortunately my appointment isn't until 4:30pm so I get to dread it all day long. I've cried more today than I have in a few days & there's a knot in my throat. I just can't even explain my feelings.

On a brighter note I called my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office today told them about the miscarriage & discussed doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer) with the nurse. things are so much less intense for for FET as compared to IVF. I'll only have to go for 3 appointments. At the start of the next cycle I'll be able to get started with meds in preparation for the transfer. Who knows when that will be after having the miscarriage, hopefully within the next month. I'll go in for a baseline ultrasound on day 2 of my cycle & if everything looks good will start estrogen that day. I'll go back for another ultrasound  approximately 15 days later then I'll start progesterone injections & transfer will be 5 days later. We will transfer 2 of our 7 frozen embryos. I'm feeling more hopeful just to get back into trying again & it gives me something to be hopeful about.

My hope Journal: The Ultimate Promise

This is the beginning of my hope journal to accompany a book that I am working through.  This book is spiritually based & incorporates journaling.  It was recommended by a friend who has also experienced a miscarriage.

The story of my loss is written in the previous entries here in my blog.

If I could talk to God in person the questions I would ask him are the same ones I have asked him. Mostly is "why?". After all we've been through. 2+years of struggling to get pregnant. Month after month of getting our hopes up to only be let down why should i have to go through this.  Just why?

My loss has been like a storm because I have no control. Just the way you have no control over a storm & the dark clouds loom over... I can't change this.  I can't make these clouds disappear. Even though the sun may shine outside,in my life I feel darkness.

My life preserver during this storm has been God.  Through prayer & the strength God has given me I'm able to get up in the mornings.  Through God's word I feel like I have a glimmer of hope.

Reading through this book in the shadow of my loss I hope to bring away a sense of hope most of all. I know I'll never understand exactly why this happened but I hope to keep my faith in God & not doubt him or feel anger towards him.

My Prayer:

Dear God thank you for Chris my loving husband. Thank you for the love we share.  Even if I'm never blessed with a child here on earth help me to realize how blessed I am to have him & let me feel satisfaction with that. Please give me strength Lord to deal with this. Give me hope for our future Lord.  Help me to be closer to you God. Thank you for the strength. I know this is a part of your plan, May I always remember that. Forgive me for my anger & doubts. In Jesus name I pray.
Amen.

My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:50

God's Promise

I hate the feeling I get in the mornings when I wake up. I have a feeling of hopelessness, anger, and I'm overwhelmed with sadness. Usually as the day goes on I feel more hopeful after prayer, but that overwhelming burden I feel every morning as soon as I wake up feels like it will overcome me. When I am sleeping I don't have to feel the pain.

When my grandmother was dying of cancer, her Sunday school teacher gave her a leather bound God's Promises book. My nanny was the sweetest woman I will ever know, she loved the Lord with all her heart. She leaned on the Lord during life's struggles and everyday. Her bookmarks are still in that book. I now have her book and I have found comfort in reading the verse's and leaning on God's promises during this time. There is a bookmark on the pages that contain this scripture God has led me to:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

This gives me peace, hope, and assures me that God's strength is stronger than the pain that I face. Because he lives I can face tomorrow. I have to remind myself of this all day long sometimes every minute. I am heartbroken, I can't even explain the ache I have. I love the Lord and I know that he has a plan for my life. I praise the Lord for this because it's all a part of his plan, then the next second I am so angry and question him. But my heart truly knows the love of God and I know that He has great plans for me.

Just getting some feelings out...

Writing about my feelings helps me to deal with them. I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings in words, but just the attempt of it helps me in some odd way. The past 4 days have been surreal for me and horrible to say the least. We have received a ton of messages and phone calls offering prayers & support. & honestly I have ignored them. The last thing I can explain is how I feel when you ask me how I'm feeling, am I doing okay? I am coping, I am dealing. In no way do I feel okay. I've laid in bed for 4 days, I haven't been outside and I don't want to. I don't want to pretend I feel okay about this yet, because I don't. I want to have my crying spells when I feel like I need to cry. I don't want to have to hold this in & act like this isn't happening. So please try to understand if you've messaged me multiple times and I haven't replied this is why.

I am accepting that this is real that there's no changing it.... but God I wish this wasn't real. I just imagine the day I heard her heartbeat and imagining the future we had with her and in the matter of a second that was ripped from me. I will never hear her heartbeat again, I will never hold her here on earth. I won't get a chance to stare at her face and take in her beauty the way I had dreamed of. & the thing that made this even more difficult to deal with was coming home knowing that she was still inside of me but she wasn't living inside me anymore. I dreamed that night that it was a mistake that her heart really was still beating and that they had just made a mistake. Then I woke up and the reality sank in all over again and that was just a dream. This whole thing is like a nightmare, one that I will never wake up from. At first I wished this had never happened that I had never got pregnant but that's not true I am thankful I had 45 days with her, 45 days of dreaming of what our life would be like with her.... because those were the best thoughts that have ever filled my imagination. I am thankful that Chris and I created a life together, thankful for the chance to love her. We have a baby together, she may not be here on earth but we created life and she lives in heaven.

I am so afraid of what the future holds for us, so afraid this isn't the last time I will go through this. We have 7 frozen embryos and we will do a frozen embryo transfer as soon as we're able to. I will be 30 soon and I am not getting any younger, the fear of never giving birth to a life we created looms over me every day. I haven't dreamed about being a mother since childhood to just let that dream go. We will not give up until we have no other choice. God has instilled this desire in my heart and I know he will bless us. I just don't believe we've had to endure journey to not have a blessing come our way.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD.
1 Samuel 27-28

Our sweet angel's heart didn't beat long....
 but this was the sweetest sound I ever heard.

Our Angel

On the morning of June 2, 2014 I held a positive pregnancy test in my hand, I trembled and my heart felt as if it would beat right out of my chest. Then on July 17th I laid on the exam table at 9 weeks 5 days of pregnancy as I stared at our perfectly formed baby on the ultrasound screen with no heartbeat. My heart beat the same way it did when I found out that baby was living inside me, my body trembled the same way too. The image of this perfectly formed baby will forever be with me. Her little head, arms, and legs were perfect. This pregnancy brought me more happiness and more heartbreak than anything ever has. Every single day of my pregnancy I said a prayer "God please let this baby grow to be healthy, God give me strength if that is not your will". I said that prayer for 45 days of our baby's life. & God has answered my prayer. God is giving me strength. My heart is broken, at moments I have felt and even said that I want to go to sleep and not wake back up to this nightmare. I have even felt moments of anger towards God for this, I have questioned him. "God why, after all we have been through would you do this to me? Why do you hate me God?". But I feel ashamed of those thoughts the devil will place thoughts like those into your head when you're vulnerable and weak. I know that there is no love greater than God's love for me. I know this is a part of God's divine plan for my life. I absolutely don't understand it right now, not in any way, shape or form, but one day I will. I am thankful for the days I had with our sweet angel. I am thankful I got to hear her heartbeat, that was the best day of my life, and I am thankful I will see my baby again, I will rock her, hold her, sing to her, lover her for all the days of eternity when I get to heaven. With God's strength we will get through this.