Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone... Not sure how happy it is, but either way I have lots to thank the good Lord above for. Most of all for my salvation. For my husband who is always by side, for the short 10 weeks I got to carry our little angel that now waits for us in heaven, & for our fur children that bring lots of love & comfort to us.

Yesterday was beta day & it was confirmed by blood test that this cycle was a fail. Even though I already knew, it didn't make it any easier to hear from the nurse that called & gave the news. My heart aches. But despite that yesterday after a good long cry before ever making it out of bed I made the decision to laugh & live & get through this. It is consuming me & it will forever be a big part of my life. I will never let the dreams I have go & I will never stop believing better things are coming. It will be a wonderful day when I don't have to fight back tears.

On the bright side my fresh ivf cycle meds will be mailed out Monday. Turns out we only had to pay $747 & were able to use our current insurance before it terminates at the end of the month since more than likely our new insurance won't cover fertility meds (most don't). In total meds for 1 cycle were almost $5,000. Once they are in my hands I will feel relief.

I'm taking a break this cycle and trying to make a baby the old fashioned way. I'll attempt to transfer our one remaining embie in January then move forward with another dreadful, hopeful IVF cycle.

One day, I will be happy again.

I have had 3 negative pregnancy tests. My beta is tomorrow so I will have it confirmed by the doctor that this cycle is a fail. In 3 years I should be used to this by now... I should be used to that second line never showing up. I will never get used to this. I have not thrown away any of the test they are laying on the bathroom counter & I keep hoping something will just appear that some miraculous line is just going to pop up! I've held them under the bathroom light, under the window light & stared praying I'd see something. But there is nothing there, because I am not pregnant.

My heart is beyond broken, it is shattered into a million pieces and at moments I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. I have a constant battle in my mind between every worse case scenario possible followed by a prayer to not think that way. My mind never stops, it never rests. I am constantly thinking "what if I never get to carry our child". I replay that nightmare in my head over & over & over. I know I need to pray, to lean on the only one that can help me, to trust in God. Sometimes its so hard, sometimes its easier to just fall apart. I've prayed for our child since before we were married, from the day we fell in love I have prayed for our child. I am still waiting, still praying. I think it's human nature to question if my prayers are being heard. But if I don't believe they are I would surely crumble. I must believe that God has great plans for us, plans to bless us with a family. If I don't believe that I'm merely surviving.  I'm not ready to give up on getting pregnant. Sometimes I think I am, that I want to just adopt. But I'm not there yet & I realized that the second I knew this cycle had failed. I feel lost & hopeless not continuing down this road. The thought of taking a detour scares the crap out of me. We will keep going until we are absolutely at a dead end. We will do absolutely whatever it takes to keep going. Financially this is hard, we have to pay thousands of dollars to keep trying, insurance doesn't cover infertility. We didn't choose this, we don't want to be going through this. This is not an option for us. The government pays for sorry, low life drug addicts to have babies then supports them their whole lives & we don't have any assitance. This is a cruel world we live in. I am just thankful this is not eternal. My eternity is going to be spent on the streets of gold with all 9 of our babies because I believe all our embryos are their waiting for us too, they once were living.

I'm blessed to have the support of other women who are in my shoes. I tell them all the positive things they need to hear when they're drowning in their sorrow & they do the same for me. Because there's not a soul in this world that could even begin to comprehend this heartache, if you haven't been there. And Lord knows I have had my share of heartache in other areas of my life but it doesn't come close to this pit I'm in right now. Yesterday I was talking with one of the few friends that I have right now that gets where I'm at and she said to me "nothing is forever not a day a month or a year it all passes and a better day month or year comes nothing is forever our suffering isn't forever". I thank God & praise him that this is the truth. I am blessed to have parents, a husband, and friends to lean on & I am thankful for that. Whatever Gods plan is for us I want it, and hard as it is to pray if God doesn't have it in his plan for me to birth our child I don't want to. I want what God wants. That's sometimes very hard to accept. Whatever His plan for me is I know its for good not evil & He wants me to be happy. One day I will be happy again.

Nothing about infertility is easy

I'm currently in the waiting period to see if our frozen embryo transfer was successful. We weren't given much confidence by the embryonologist & I've also been spotting since 3dp5dt. I am not very hopeful about this cycle. But I do know God performs miracles everyday & there's still a chance I could be surprised. But I'm also preparing for the worst case scenario.

My husband just got a new job so at the end of the month we will be losing our current insurnace & won't be eligible for insurance at the new job for 90 days. We will have to pay for a private policy until that time & we all know private policies aren't the best when it comes to coverage. Our current coverage pays for infertility meds which is rare with any policy. My doctor is coming up with a protocol for me so we can attempt to get our meds for a fresh ivf cycle called in before our policy is terminated. If not we will be forced to wait a while before moving forward with IVF again. $5000 out of pocket for meds on top of the cost for egg retrieval surgery is more than we can afford right now. We won't have to pay for IVF again as we opted for a shared risk program but we are responsible for the surgery & the meds. If we can get our meds paid for we will plan another fresh cycle in February.

I'm still grieving the loss of almost all our embryos & I'm worried our ivf journey may  come to an end with no baby. We are allowed 2 more FETs & 2 more fresh cycles with our shared risk plan. But our embryos have to be strong to make it FET & this batch obviously wasn't. I never in a million years would have thought we would have no more frozen embryos when we started with 7.

I've never been more heartbroken in my life. The thought of never having children is my nightmare.

PUPO

Yesterday was one of he most emotional days of this journey so far. In the matter of 1 minute, 1 conversation, my hopes almost completely diminished. We started the morning yesterday with 7 embryos. Back in May with our fresh cycle we were told by the embryonologist "you have enough embryos to last you a lifetime". In one day that false sense of hope was shattered. We lost 4 of our embryos yesterday that did not make it through thaw. I went in at 9:15am expecting to have 2 healthy embryos transferred and was told that 4 embryos had been lost. I had the option to thaw 2 more & come back at 1:15pm which I decided to do. I came home hit my knees & begged God to allow those 2 embryos to survive. We arrived back at the office and were told we did have 2 embryos to transfer but "they're nothing to jump up & down about" in regards to their chance of viability. We now have 1 remaining frostie with slim chances of it surviving thaw. I am hanging onto faith & the chance of God performing a miracle that this transfer will result in a healthy pregnancy. I need to be a mother, more than anyone that hasn't been in my shoes will ever understand. I have a constant ache in my soul to mother a child and raise a family. & I wish I could just make this desire disappear, that I could just wake up & be content with the blessings I have but this ache will never go away until I am able to hold our baby in my arms.

We have discussed what our next steps will be if this cycle fails & we plan to look into fostering towards the goal of adoption. I have always longed to carry my child in my womb, but my deepest desire is to love a child. It can be biologically mine or it can be a child that needs the love that we are able to give. We may resume IVF later in life, but if this isn't it we've decided to go down another road for now. We want a large family 3-4 children & I'm not getting any younger. I need a child to love & there are children out there that need love. the Lord is going to create our little family in some way shape or form. Its definitely not how we planned it but IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

November 19, 2014

Today I had my midcycle ultrasound. Lining looked good & thick at 11mm, they look for it to be at least 7mm. My estrogen level today was >1000. I will cut back my oral estrogen to one pill per day & continue estrogen patches. The dreaded progesterone shots begin again tomorrow morning. Embryo transfer is scheduled for next Wednesday at 0915. Can't wait to bring home 2 of our little embies. Praying they settle in for a healthy 9 month pregnancy.

One day at a time

I'm currently in the waiting period for my FET. The past 3 years of my life has been a waiting period. I'm so tired of waiting for a family.  I may be selfish and I know I need to enjoy this life from day to day & I do. I laugh I have fun and I get through these days one at a time. Overall I'm just waiting. I have spent my entire life waiting to be married and start a family & when it doesn't just happen the way its supposed to that's very hard to accept, I don't accept it.

I have 5 days until my mid cycle ultrasound when I will find out our exact transfer date. I am praying so hard that this is it, that come July/August 2015 we have a baby in our arms.  Ever since starting this journey I haven't had a break. Since May of 2012 this has consumed me. I've been pumped full of hormones, had test after test, procedure after procedure, blood draws week after week. Due to financial stressors we have made the difficult decision that if I do not become pregnant this cycle we will be taking a break at least until after the holidays. Not only for financial reasons but my body needs a break too, emotionally & physically. I'm just tired. I am praying so hard that this is the cycle that will lead to our miracle, our rainbow after the storm. I'm not sure I can emotionally distance myself from this enough to take a break. Just the thought of a break stresses me out more than continuing to try, because I want this more than anyone in this world will ever comprehend. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle one more thing being thrown my way like I just can't possibly get through another hardship, but I do. I keep going because I have no choice but to do so. Sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and give up completely, but that's not an option.

So I'm just continuing to live life one day at a time. Trying to enjoy the blessings I have and keep pushing forward. I know that our miracle is coming & I'm believing whole heartedly just like I force myself to do every cycle that THIS IS IT, we WILL hold our miracle in 9 months & at that moment in time all this pain will disappear.