One day at a time

I'm currently in the waiting period for my FET. The past 3 years of my life has been a waiting period. I'm so tired of waiting for a family.  I may be selfish and I know I need to enjoy this life from day to day & I do. I laugh I have fun and I get through these days one at a time. Overall I'm just waiting. I have spent my entire life waiting to be married and start a family & when it doesn't just happen the way its supposed to that's very hard to accept, I don't accept it.

I have 5 days until my mid cycle ultrasound when I will find out our exact transfer date. I am praying so hard that this is it, that come July/August 2015 we have a baby in our arms.  Ever since starting this journey I haven't had a break. Since May of 2012 this has consumed me. I've been pumped full of hormones, had test after test, procedure after procedure, blood draws week after week. Due to financial stressors we have made the difficult decision that if I do not become pregnant this cycle we will be taking a break at least until after the holidays. Not only for financial reasons but my body needs a break too, emotionally & physically. I'm just tired. I am praying so hard that this is the cycle that will lead to our miracle, our rainbow after the storm. I'm not sure I can emotionally distance myself from this enough to take a break. Just the thought of a break stresses me out more than continuing to try, because I want this more than anyone in this world will ever comprehend. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle one more thing being thrown my way like I just can't possibly get through another hardship, but I do. I keep going because I have no choice but to do so. Sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and give up completely, but that's not an option.

So I'm just continuing to live life one day at a time. Trying to enjoy the blessings I have and keep pushing forward. I know that our miracle is coming & I'm believing whole heartedly just like I force myself to do every cycle that THIS IS IT, we WILL hold our miracle in 9 months & at that moment in time all this pain will disappear.