Goodbye 2014

I'm happy to see a new year. I made it through 2014 even though at times I didn't think I would . Without a doubt I can honestly say it was the hardest year of my life. I lost a dream, I lost my baby, I lost 6 embryos, we lost about $25,000 toward infertility treatments, my husband lost his job & I lost my sanity at times. I've never seen sadness like I've seen this past year. In December things have finally started to look up, we've gained a lot, most importantly I found peace again, my husband found a new, better job & I found hope. I'm hopeful about what 2015 holds for us. My heart is still broken for the baby that I held for a short 10weeks, but I am excited about our journey in the coming year. I'll never stop missing our angel, but I know that God has great plans for us. We will do our last frozen embryo transfer in February, and the next step will be to pursue adoption in 2015. I'm nervous, excited, and scared but I know this will be a better year!

We've decided...

For now the plan is to transfer our last frozen embryo in the next 2 months if it makes it through thaw. If that cycle is unsuccessful we will move forward with our journey towards adoption. I've found peace and am excited about our new journey. I have grieved our loss of a biological child and I'm prepared to move in another direction. If it's in God's plan for me to bear a child He will make that happen in His time. But for the time being we will not pursue another IVF cycle. We will be open to adopting siblings. We would prefer a baby but would consider children 3 & younger. In the next 6 months we will be filling out lots of paperwork & getting everything ready to prepare our home for the home study & making sure we have everything childproofed. This is going to be a whole new direction that is going to be a long journey but I'm so hopeful that in the next couple of years we WILL have our family. Until then we have plans to do a little traveling & enjoying our time together. Whatever happens we are so blessed & I'm thankful for this journey as hard as its been, it has changed me for the better.

Big decisions

I get so angry when I make a post about infertility and some one who has no clue what a walk in these shoes is like posts an ignorant comment like "there's always adoption". Did they think we had never thought of that? We've spent the last 3 years of our lives down this journey, scraped and saved for IVF and that idea just totally slipped out minds. (Really?). I realize that by making our struggle public that there is always going to be comments from people that just dont have a clue, so i usually try to just keep my mouth closed when it comes to comments like those. The journey to parenthood can have many different paths you can't take them all at the same time. This is a process. For us our journey began like most peoples do we started trying to conceive our baby after a little over a year of being unsuccessful we consulted my doctor who shortly after medical testing had to refer us to the reproductive endocrinologist. Believe it or not we didn't just jump right into ivf we took steps to get to this point. We've prayed, cried, spent every day of our lives thinking and making these decisions. So when someone says "why don't you just adopt" it takes all that I have to not just bite their head off. It was our choice to take the path we've taken to make an attempt to have a biological child. We first have to be 100% confident we are ready emotionally and financially to start down a different path before moving into adoption. Adoption has its own road, its own stressors that are a completely different ball game from infertility treatments. If it were just so easy to say I'll just adopt & this whole problem will be solved we would have made that choice a long, long time ago. We never wanted the heartache we've been dealt. But adoption is not that easy, you can spend years waiting for a child, not to mention $25,000-40,000 to even get to that point. We are finally at the point in this journey that we are beginning to seriously consider adoption. But these are our decisions, no one elses. I don't share our story for your opinions or advice. I share our story to connect with other women who have been where I am at & for prayers from anyone that believes in the power of prayer.

We've been doing a lot of discussing about where we go from here, after we've had 8 embryos die. We obviously have a problem with the viability of our embryos. We have a couple of options to weigh one is PGD testing (pre-implantation diagnosis) which would test our embryos for genetic disorders prior to having them frozen or transferred. This will add an additional $5000-8000 to our IVF costs. So we are seriously considering ending our treatment journey in the coming months to pursue adoption whole heartedly. If we do make the decision to persue adoption I don't consider any of this a waste. This whole process has shaped me into a better person. We have a child awaiting us in heaven because of this journey & that alone is worth all the debt, all the tears, all the heartache we've endured. This is a huge decision for us that neither of us are 100% sure which option we will take. Just continuing to pray for Gods direction during this time. His plan will prevail & will be far beyond anything we could have ever imagined.

Time doesnt heal wounds... God does.

Looking back on my blog the majority of it is so depressing & sad to read. I usually write when I'm in my deepest pit to release the pain. The past couple of weeks I've been more at peace than I have in a very long time. Every single day I miss our baby, every single day I think about what life would be like if she were still living. In fact I would be 31 weeks pregnant this week. I will always wonder what could have been. But what could have been was not what was meant to be, and I must carry on, thank God for all the good things he's done & continues to do in our life.

This month is our first "break" since May of 2012. Not that we aren't still trying, I have pulled out the old fertility monitor this month. To most that's actively trying but to us this is a relaxed cycle. After going through IUIs, IVF, & FET this is about as relaxed as you can get. I am at peace, I'm not expecting to get pregnant this cycle but we will never stop trying. I've tried to draw close to God & find peace & God has surely drawn close to me. Chris & I have seen God's work in our lives the past few weeks, prayers about other stressors in our lives have been answered far beyond what we could have hoped for & I know God is saying "I've got this". He's showing us everyday He's hard at work & has great plans for us.

We aren't 100% sure about the timeframe for our future plans toward parenthood. But in the next 1-2 months we plan to do another IVF cycle. If that cycle isn't successful we will move towards the goal of adoption through foster care. We have lots if prepping to do to become certified in foster care so we will begin to work on that. We won't give up on having a biological child & will resume more IVF & FET cycles once we are settled into the life of foster care.

We will have beautiful babies in our lives. Until that time comes we are learning everyday that we can & are happy just the two of us. We are drawing closer to each other through this journey & I'm so thankful for the love we share. This is what I prayed for for years & years & my husband is the greatest blessing I have after my salvation. I am happier than I've been in months & I owe it all to the good Lord above.

Wake up to reality

This morning I awoke from a dream of swaddling our baby girl. She wasn't biologically mine & I knew that in my dream, but she was mine. She was about 6 months old & I was holding her loving her with all my heart as she wiggled about in my arms. I wish that dream was real. I wish we had a baby of our own where ever he or she comes from whether I birth him or her or not I want a baby.

Dreams like that make me miss our baby even more. My heart aches everyday for our baby. I miss being pregnant & I will never understand why it had to be our baby that was taken away. In 2 months I should be giving birth to our miracle, I should be feeling her kick me right now. I  should have been pregnant this Christmas. It would have been our first Christmas as a family of 3 with our baby inside me. Our nursery would have been complete by now. But its not, my womb is empty & I'm stuck longing for the baby we lost. I want to be a mother, I should have that choice.

This is a pain that cannot be explained, the loss, the death of a dream... But I'm still dreaming. I have faith that one day our dream will come true. Until then we pray, we hurt, we miss, we wonder why & we just keep on keeping on. We have better days ahead & even if we never get to be parents on this earth, we are parents & we will be reunited with our angel in heaven.

Peace within my soul...

I think a break is just what I needed. Last week was horrible, it was all I could do to get out of bed & pretend I'm OK enough to make it through the day. Its amazing how optimistic I have been this week. I think getting back to work has helped, I don't have time to sit & ponder all the what ifs. My husband started his new job yesterday & I'm just amazed at how God is blessing us, fulfilling his promise that we will be provided for. I feel so overwhelmingly blessed and thankful at what God is doing in our life. With this new job we are going to have so much more time together to go & do things that we love. All I can think about is Spring & getting out in the woods, camping just me & Chris. I'm excited to live life with him & have fun. Come the new year we will resume the Dr appointments & a fresh IVF cycle. I'm going into it with a clear head and a hopeful heart. I've been praying more that God give me strength & He is. I felt so much despair just a few short days ago & God has lifted me up & assured me better days are coming. I know 100% we will have our children in Gods time. I have faith, I have this desire for a reason & we are going to be blessed. Until our time comes I am going to enjoy life with my husband & be happy. Yes my heart aches for a child & I want nothing more than to have our family, but I don't have to stop living until that time comes. I know the bad days aren't over & I'm sure I'll have days when I can't stand to face this nightmare but for today I am happy my soul is satisfied & I am going to enjoy these good days. God is so good & He is at work in our lives, we are so blessed! Praise the Lord.❤