33 weeks 5 days

Lately I've been totally exhausted all I want to do is lay around and do absolutely nothing. Every chance I get that's exactly what I do. Today I had an OB appointment. Belly is measuring right where it should be between 33-34weeks. Heart rate was good and he was being a busy little bee. The past few days he has been pretty active. He gets the hiccups daily now some days 2-3 times a day. I am still sleeping fairly well but have a hard time getting comfortable. Whenever I try to change positions in the bed I told Hubby I feel like a walrus. Was telling my momma that and she said kind of like the little boy on a Christmas story that is all bundled up and falls in the snow and can't get up. That's exactly how I feel when trying to roll over or get up out of bed lol. I've gained 29.5lbs started out at 116 and am now at 145.5. Should be gaining about a pound a week from now until delivery. My next OB appointment will be 1/7/15 and after that I will be going weekly until delivery. I cannot get over how fast it has flown by. I wish i could bottle up how I feel and keep it forever, the kicks and hiccups I will miss so much. I've never been happier in all my life. We have so much to be thankful for this Christmas. And as wonderful as this Christmas is next will be even better because we will have a little boy crawling around. Can't wait to do Christmas bigger than we ever have before! I'm probably going to start Christmas shopping for his first Christmas in February. Every day will be better because of him! Words can't express the love and joy I have all because of this baby boy.

So close...

 It's amazing how when you're young time seems to drag by, all you want to do is grow up, have the school year end and the days seem to last forever. It feels like the older I get the faster time passes by. My pregnancy hasn't been any different and today I shed a few tears at the realization of how fast it is passing. Just the thought of Grayson's childhood passing so fast already breaks my heart and he has not even arrived yet. My pregnancy will be coming to an end before we know it and we will be holding this little miracle in our arms. I couldn't be happier but it's bitter sweet in a way. Knowing in a few short weeks I will never feel him kick, move, hiccup inside my body again. You never know when a moment will the be last so I'm choosing to enjoy every single little thing. Today he has had the hiccups 3 times and I stop to truly feel it and hold my hand there and just soak it up. My precious little boy is learning how to gulp and breath preparing to meet us soon. God is so amazing. To think in 40 short weeks our boy will develop into a unique little baby. Life doesn't get any sweeter than this. I promise to never take it for granted.

Maternity Sneak peaks...

From our maternity shoot yesterday. These were shot at our home with the talented Nicolette Rackley with a hoot to shoot photography. Love how these turned out and am looking forward to seeing and sharing the rest of them. 32 weeks pregnant!!!

Nursery tour

I've put so much thought into this nursery. It's not just a room but something I've dreamed of my entire life. Especially over the past 4 years I've imagined what this room would look like. When I moved into this house 8 years ago I never imagined it would be 8 years before I'd be creating a nursery, but I'm thankful everything has turned out this way, God's plan. When I found out I was pregnant I had no idea how I was going to decorate the room if our baby were a boy I had it all planned out for a girl. Girls rooms are just easier to decorate and I couldn't find exactly what I wanted with a boy. So when we found out our little miracle is in fact a boy I began looking for nursery decor immediately! I started with the crib which I found online and ordered then I knew I wanted something rustic and found the northwoods bedding made by Trend Lab. It just fit us. Our whole pregnancy has been surrounded by camping, being that I found out I was pregnant while we were camping and had we never got our camper and I actually relaxed for the first time in 4 years I may not be pregnant now. So this is the end result and I couldn't be happier with how t has turned out. I can't wait to bring our baby boy home to his room... That is way more than just a room to me. It's tangible, it's real, we are having a baby Praise the Lord!

31 weeks

Had an OB appointment this morning, and everything looked great. I'm now going every 2 weeks until 36 weeks then will go weekly. Grayson's heart rate today was 145. I'm measuring at 32 weeks. About 4 weeks ago I had blood work drawn which showed high white blood cells and low platelets, so they redrew it today to recheck those labs. Haven't heard results yet. Throughout the past week I've noticed Grayson being more active in the evenings and at night. Hoping he doesn't get his days and nights mixed up. I can feel his actual body parts through my tummy now, not sure if it's a foot or what exactly but I sometimes can feel him pushing and when you rub my belly you can feel it. I love it!! So amazing. He's moving all around as I type this post. 

Update: 12/8/15

Got a call from the doctors office this am and all my lab work is returning to normal so no worries there. God is good he has Grayson and I wrapped in his arms!

Unexplainable...

I remember when I used to write these blog posts and struggle to try to explain the feelings of emptiness and depression that I felt. It was like there were no words to come close to explain what I was feeling, and there weren't, there still isn't. But today I sit here without words to explain the fullness in my heart. To explain to anyone that hasn't been down this road how grateful, how blessed, how overwhelmed with joy that I am is impossible. We go through struggles to appreciate the joys in life. Without a doubt all mothers love their children, all mothers feel an overwhelming love and I'm sure most mothers think that there is no other child in the world loved as much as their's. Not that I think I am or will be a better mother than the other mothers out there, but I will be a better me than I would have been had I not gone through the heartache through the loss. When you struggle for something and obtain it, that something always means more than if you had not struggled. I am overwhelmed and when I say overwhelmed it's because of lack of other words to explain it. Just the thought of my boys tiny toes, his little fingers and nose sends a feeling through me that I will never come close to explaining. It's a love so far beyond what I can even comprehend let alone explain. And I know that love will only grow when I hold him in my arms. I've told Hubby that i don't know how I will even contain mysel, I may sob with joy for days. Today I just feel so thankful. I walk in his room and I praise God for allowing me to experience this! Thank you Lord for giving me this little boy that was meant just for us. As sad as I was with every failed attempt with every day, week, month and year that passed being childless it brought me to this child the one that was meant for us and had it happened years ago like we'd planned it wouldn't be Grayson it just wouldn't be the same! Thank you for that God, beyond words THANK YOU!!

9 weeks (give or take) to go...

It's so hard to believe that in 9 short weeks I will be 40 weeks pregnant!!!! Wow, time flys when you're having fun. This past week I've been on a cleaning spree. I came home from work on Saturday and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown (not really) from all the mess in the house. I came in set my bags down and immediately said "this house is driving me crazy". I then proceeded to take down curtains and blinds. Hubby was a bit scared and said "are you ok, just calm down, the house looks fine." We spend the entire afternoon/evening cleaning and organizing. I scrubbed the entire kitchen from top to bottom with a bucket and a brush. I put Chris to work cleaning out our spare bedroom. He took absolutely everything out, bed, dresser, table, and all the junk that had accumulated. I am now using that room to store all the big items for Grayson that I don't want out in the open at all times or junking up his pretty nursery. We have his mamaroo, walker, jumper, and pack n play in there. Once he arrives I will be keeping the pack n play in the living room for him to stay in during the day when he's not being held... Which for a while probably won't be a whole lot. It's really starting to sink in how close we are getting to meeting our little guy. The diaper bag that I ordered arrived this week, and we got it all packed and ready to go to the hospital with us. We both were so excited to be packing his bag, it kind of made it all sink in that THIS IS HAPPENING!! I still have to pack our bag which I will be doing soon. I can't wait to hold this little miracle in my arms, to see his little feet and hands, kiss his little cheeks, and love him!!

29 weeks 3 days

2 weeks ago I had an ultrasound and previa had not resolved & was 0.5cm away from cervix. They said it must be at least 2 cm away. So we scheduled another ultrasound. We got some great pictures of little Grayson at that time.

So today I went for the repeat ultrasound and previa had completely resolved so a c section will not have to be scheduled at 37 weeks. Which I am thankful for... Good news right before thanksgiving. Today little Grayson was hiding behind the umbilical cord and he was completely folded in half so his feet were in from of his face at times too, along with his little balled up fists. We did get a great shot of his feet and a photo of his fat little cheeks. I just love him so much.

I also had my baby shower this past weekend. My mom put so much work into it and it turned out perfectly. We are very blessed. We did it a little early so it wouldn't interfere with all the holidays. 

This baby is a miracle

I want to cherish all the little details, every single moment.

With mine and hubby's chaotic schedules some weeks it can be difficult to find the time to spend any real quality time together. This past week he worked six 12 hour nights and on his one day off he worked around the house. The mornings are usually our time to catch up with each other and talk about how our day/night went.

Last night we both worked so we both arrived home this morning at about the same time got into bed at about the same time and layed there just talking and spending time as a family. It feels so good to say that... "A family".

It took what seemed like forever before Chris ever got to feel our boy kick and until today he still had not seen how active our little guy is. And this morning Grayson was very active. We both sat and stared at our boy (my belly) moving around in amazement. It's time like these I'll never get back, and I don't want to ever forget. Tears fall from my eyes at the thought of how fast time flies and how so completely and totally in love I am with this miraculous baby that is growing inside me.

We talked this morning about how bittersweet time is... All you want is to see your baby grow yet at the same time all I want is for time to stand still. And I know that once he's outside my womb that feeling will be even more profound. I am so thankful for all our hardships, heartbreaks and all our struggles concieving this boy. Because of all that we endured I will cherish every little moment. I am a better mother because of what we've endured. Until there is no breath left in my body I will love this little guy with all that I have in me. On those nights when I have no sleep I will thank God for it. On those days when I am overwhelmed I will thank God for it. And I pray that I always remember how special and how blessed I am even through the trying times, the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums and teenage years I want to remember that this baby is a miracle!

22 weeks

I haven't updated here throughout my pregnancy as much as I wish I had. Already more than halfway through my pregnancy, we will be holding our little guy before we know it.

The first trimester was exciting yet very uncomfortable. I pretty much felt like crap the entire time. No energy and constant nausea. Once I hit about 13 weeks I felt like a new person and had it not been for the growing bump I would not have even felt pregnant.

My second trimester has been amazing and I'm loving being pregnant. At 15 weeks we found out we are having a baby boy and I started to feel tiny flutters. We have named our boy Grayson Samuel. Chris felt him move at 20 weeks and now at 22 weeks the movements are really strong. Some days I think if this keeps getting stronger as we go along these kicks might become painful. He has some powerful little kicks. Every time I feel him I get this overwhelming feeling of joy like I've never felt before I came to love this little boy. I've gained a total of 15 pounds so far and the past few days have felt lots of stretching and pulling going on in my abdomen. And my skin already feels so tight. I can only imagine the changes my body still has to go through. I'm so amazed by the changes that have already taken place. As I sit and type this post he is kicking and moving all around. I just paced my hand on my tummy and could see my hand move from his kick. I am so in tune to every little twinge, kick, stretch, pulling going on.

I honestly am going to miss this so much as much as I can't wait to have him in my arms sometimes I already want to be pregnant again... Then some times I think I don't want anymore babies I want to give all my love to him and give him the best of everything. No matter what the future holds for us I'm so overwhelmingly blessed to be pregnant and I have faith that I we will have a healthy boy in a few short months. If I never get to carry another child this will be enough, I'm so thankful.

12 weeks 5 days

Today Chris and I were driving to Greensboro to my OB's office for our NT scan and first trimester screening blood work. I hadn't allowed myself to get nervous until the drive there then all I could think about was the last time I was in that ultrasound room was about 1 year ago when we got the most horrific news we could have ever imagined. I felt like crying and had a knot in my throat in fear that something horrible would be found today.

We arrived to the office and got into the room and a peace came over me and I just knew that everything was going to be alright. The scan proceeded and we saw our jumping little healthy baby pop up on the monitor. He/she was jumping all around arms were swinging and its healthy little heart was just a beating. God is so good and I feel overwhelmed by this blessing growing inside me. We were able to see baby in 3d which was so amazing & got to view the baby from all views, we saw perfect little hands and fingers, little legs, his/her head and I declare our baby is just precious. I'm so in love already. To just think about the day I get to hold him/her in my arms makes me feel like my heart will explode with joy.

On our ride home this afternoon I stared at the print outs of all the photos from today and I could stare at them the rest of the night and not get tired of it. I am so amazed that God has allowed Chris and I to create this little life... To think it's part of us and love created this beautiful little baby. God is so amazing and I could never praise Him enough.

Never forgotten...

1 year ago today we found out our baby had went to heaven. Although today I am 11 weeks pregnant with another little miracle my heart will always ache every time I think of the life we lost. The past year has been the hardest of my life. At times I believed I'd never have the opportunity to carry another child and now that I am I'm terrified of losing this baby too. My heart won't truly be at peace until I hold a healthy baby in my arms....people say just relax stress is not good for the baby.  I know that but bottling up fears and emotions is far more stressful than letting your fears and real thoughts be known and being honest with myself and the ones I'm close too helps me to deal with the anxieties I have.

The baby I am carrying now was conceived with no help from modern medicine... No IUI, IVF, FET. When announcing this pregnancy I've had several people say "all in God's timing, people need to remember that" and "God is better than any doctor". Which is true everything in life happens in God's timing and God is better than anything or anyone. But God works through doctors and a little over a year ago God worked through my doctors to create the baby that we lost. I guess I feel that in some way people diminish the importance of the live we lost.... Which may be the defensive side of me coming out. In no way do I mean to attack anyone's good intentions. Even my husband has made similiar statements. The mother in me wants to protect the fact that baby mattered that baby was created in God's timing too it was no less real and important and it will NEVER be forgotten as long as I live.

We prayed for 1,095 days

He answered. For 3 years we have felt heartache that some days I felt like life couldn't possibly go on, like there was no way I could force myself to keep pushing through. The desire to carry a child has been with me for as long as I can remember and it never has nor never will go away. To know that I have OUR child OUR little miracle growing inside me is a feeling I wondered if I'd ever feel again. After 5 failed IUIs, IVF and a miscarriage, losing 5 embryos during thaw, 2 failed frozen embryo transfers we became pregnant by the power of God! The cycle after we used our very last embryo God said "It's time!!".

Just when I was getting to the point of our infertility journey that I was coming to grips with the thought that it was a very real possibility it may never happen He showed me otherwise. My thoughts had shifted from a daily ache of longing for a baby to trying to fulfill my life in other ways. We had started camping again and just doing fun stuff together, just enjoying living. The past 6 months I have tried to just thank God for what I did have where I was in life and all the things I had been blessed with. I was so relaxed that for the first time in 3 years I wasn't tracking my cycles and wasn't even 100% sure of the day of my last period.  We went camping in the shanandoah mountains June 11th-15th. I'm always on the go up bright & early and go, go, go all day. I'm always looking for adventure when we're camping wanting to hike and see the sights. This trip I wanted to nap everyday and it was so hot I wanted to stay in the RV's air conditioning and lay around. We rode into town one day to pick up a few things and I told Chris I was going to grab some pregnancy tests.... My exact words "I know I'm not pregnant, but just to be sure". I didn't even take one immediately when we got back because I didn't really believe it would be positive. I later took the test and immediately the test line was as dark as could be. I knew right then I was pregnant. In shock and shaking I slammed the bathroom door open and told him "I'm pregnant!!!".  He needed some reassurance that "those tests" are accurate. I assured him it was... After all I had obsessively taken hundreds of them in the past 3 years, I knew! When we returned from our trip I called my reproductive endocrinologist to let them know I'd gotten a positive test, I came in for a blood test and my hcg levels were >5000! I most certainly am pregnant with a miracle from God.

Since then we've had 2 ultrasounds the first at 7 weeks and heard the heartbeat. The second at 9 weeks where we got to hear the heartbeat again and see a perfectly formed little baby with 2 arms and legs and he/she even gave us a little wave. During my last pregnancy I had purchased a fetal doppler that I never got to use. We've been listening to the heartbeat a couple of times a week to reassure ourselves that things are still going good. We are beyond ecstatic! At the same time we are also scared after what we've been through. Daily we are praying for that little heart to continue beating strong and for us to hold our healthy baby come February.

I am so proud of our God and the miracles He has performed!

I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. -Isaiah 66:9

Can't catch a break...

Went back to my reproductive endocrinologist last Thursday for a baseline ultrasound. Everything looked good, so I started meds the same day in preparation for frozen embryo transfer later this month. I go back on April 15th for a mid cycle ultrasound. If everything looks good I will have begin progesterone injections and embryo transfer will tentatively be scheduled for April 22nd.

I had labs drawn at my appointment last week and found out my TSH level was 0.044 which is pretty low. I've been referred to an endocrinologist, my RE believes I have hyperthyroidism. The more I read about treatment options and possible causes the more scared I become. This is something new. Last year my thyroid levels were normal. So it scares me as to what could be causing this. So I'm just praying for the best.

Supplements

I started supplements this week. Below is a list of what I'm taking for any of my fellow TTCers that want to add supplements to their treatment plan. I am following the recommendations of  Rebecca Fett author of  "It Starts with the Egg", which I highly recommend if you're considering adding of the below supplements.

Ubiquinol There is an entire chapter in the book with the explanation and benefits of Ubiquinol which is the active form of COQ10. Other versions of COQ10 are not as easily absorbed as Ubiquinol. It is a natural molecule in the body, and plays an important role in energy production throughout the body. The energy that is needed during egg maturation plays a huge role in the quality of our eggs. If you're interested in the exact scientific function in has on your eggs.... get the book... read it, it explains it all in detail. Recommended dose: 600mg daily.

Vitamin E  is believed to be helpful for people dealing with unexplained infertility, which is the category that I fall into. I was initially diagonsed with PCOS by my obgyn, was told later by my RE that I probably do not have PCOS. We were then diagnosed with low sperm motility and count which was corrected with supplements. So now I fall into the unexplained infertility category. Vitamin E is believed to compensate for the antioxidant levels that decline as women age. The book recommends no more than 200IU daily.

Vitamin C  is a natural antioxidant that is found in large amounts in ovarian follicles. Studies were dones on mice that proved that Vitamin E & C were shown to prevent ovarian decline with age. Vitamin C also improved quality of pig embryos in a lab study. Recommended dose: 500mg daily.

Alpha Lipoic Acid also has antioxidant properties which can play a role in egg quality. Best forms to get are R Lipoic acid or R-alpha lipoic acid which is more easily absorbed. Studies have shown that in women with PCOS it has regulated ovulation. Recommended dose: 100mg or 600mg daily. (I'm doing 100mg)

N-acetyl Cysteine This one may be the one that impressed me the most. There have been studies that showed women undergoing fertility treatments pregnancy rated increased by 20% when taking N-acetyl Cysteine. It was also proven in studies to increase the quality and number of fertilized eggs in mice. It also acts as antioxidant. It is also recommended for women who have suffered recurrent miscarriages. Recommended dose: 600mg per day.

Prenatal Vitamin is nothing new for me, I've been on it for almost 3 years now. The folic acid contained in prenatal vitamins are play a HUGE role in preventing birth spina bifida and other neural tube defects. Most doctors recommend any woman of child bearing age to take folic acid daily.... I know this not only from the book but from working with a doctor who prescribes it regularly for women.

I will take this combination for at least 4 months before attempting another IVF cycle. We are looking towards another fresh cycle this summer or early fall. I'm also cutting out all plastic cookware due to the effects BPA has on fertility, do the research it's proven to cause infertility. I'm also trying to cut out a lot sweets and foods that contain preservatives.

Changes...

I got the book "It starts with the egg" by Rebecca Feit. I've been reading it, taking notes and doing my own research as I go along. This book is going to hopefully change my life for the better & in the process I pray we have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I've decided when we finish out this weeks groceries we will be switching over to a more organic, less preservatives, cutting out refined carbs diet. We will be getting rid of all the plastics in our home that we can. I will be changing over all of our cleaning & personal care items to phthalate free products. After reading about the effects of BPA & phthalate & other chemicals on infertility & our health in general I want them gone! I've always believed that environmental factors play a role in many diseases, but I've never done any research or looked into the studies done on this sort of thing. There are numerous scientifically proven studies that show items containing  these products cause infertility.

The opening quote in this book reads "only I can change my life, no one can do it for me" - Carol Burnett. That couldn't be more true. Whether this process helps bring a biological child to us or not we will know without a doubt wr gave it our all. It can only benefit our lives, it surely won't hurt.... Well it may hurt the pocket book a little initially until we get everything switched over & learn what to buy when grocery shopping, but we will adjust. This is going to be a learning process. I've always ate junk food, never gave a second thought to what foods I pop into my mouth, or what effects products I use could have on my health. This is going to have to be a new way of thinking.

I'm excited about things moving forward. Next month we will be attempting our last FET cycle from our initial IVF. It had to be delayed another cycle due to the lab at our clinic closing for cleaning of equipment. If this cycle fails,the plan is to attempt another fresh cycle IVF around August or September.

Transfer #3

It's that time, embryo transfer #3. I had to make a call to the on call RE this morning. I start meds tomorrow, estrogen tablets 2mg twice a day & estrogen patches every 3 days starting tomorrow. I have to call back Monday to schedule a delayed baseline ultrasound since AF showed at the worst possible time (on a Friday night) and the office was closed for the weekend. I have been so anxious today anticipating this whole cycle. After my baseline ultrasound this week I will go back in 2 more weeks for a midcycle ultrasound then start progesterone injections daily until transfer day which I anticipate will be around the 19th or 20th. I have had 4 months off now... no appointments, no meds, and no stress related to this whole process. I dread transfer day because I honestly do no believe this one remaining embryo is going to make it through thaw. Last transfer we lost 4 embryos during thaw, and the two that we did have transferred weren't looking strong, and obviously didn't make it either. So losing 6 embryos doesn't give me high hopes for this one. I wish I could just know... but I have to go through pills, patches, shots for weeks and the anxiety of the build up to that day before we will know for sure. Maybe since I'm expecting a letdown this time I will be surprised, I always pray for a miracle.

Snow Beautiful

We got one of the most beautiful snows that I've seen in a while.

Home sweet home

The snow so beautiful on the trees

Chickie tracks

Our hound dog, Levi loves the snow!

Forever in our hearts.

We lost our sweet Marley boy. The only peace I have is knowing he is no longer experiences any pain or suffering. He had such a sweet soul.... see you in heaven sweet boy.