Never forgotten...

1 year ago today we found out our baby had went to heaven. Although today I am 11 weeks pregnant with another little miracle my heart will always ache every time I think of the life we lost. The past year has been the hardest of my life. At times I believed I'd never have the opportunity to carry another child and now that I am I'm terrified of losing this baby too. My heart won't truly be at peace until I hold a healthy baby in my arms....people say just relax stress is not good for the baby.  I know that but bottling up fears and emotions is far more stressful than letting your fears and real thoughts be known and being honest with myself and the ones I'm close too helps me to deal with the anxieties I have.

The baby I am carrying now was conceived with no help from modern medicine... No IUI, IVF, FET. When announcing this pregnancy I've had several people say "all in God's timing, people need to remember that" and "God is better than any doctor". Which is true everything in life happens in God's timing and God is better than anything or anyone. But God works through doctors and a little over a year ago God worked through my doctors to create the baby that we lost. I guess I feel that in some way people diminish the importance of the live we lost.... Which may be the defensive side of me coming out. In no way do I mean to attack anyone's good intentions. Even my husband has made similiar statements. The mother in me wants to protect the fact that baby mattered that baby was created in God's timing too it was no less real and important and it will NEVER be forgotten as long as I live.

The baby that only God & I held...

Today would have marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I would have been holding our little miracle in my arms any day now. 

Some days the pain is just as real as it was the day I lay on the exam table & stared at our perfectly formed baby's little body the perfect little head, arms and legs and stared in silence waiting for a heartbeat then hearing the words "I'm so sorry the heart is not beating". I can still hear the piercing silence in that room that day. I was so angry so broken, more than broken I was and still am at times crushed into a million pieces. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever go a week without crying. I know I will, there was a time when I couldn't go a day & now I can. Healing takes time & the strength from God.

Sometimes I go back to the video of the last normal ultrasound, the flickering on the screen & the strong heartbeat. I will never forget that sound, I'm so thankful I can hear that heartbeat anytime I need to. My baby was real no one else got to hold her or love her as deeply as I did but she lived & always will be in my heart. There will never be a day that goes by as long as I'm living that I don't miss our baby. Some days are just worse than others.

Blessings are coming

Five months ago I was awaiting my embryo transfer of the baby that I came to love more than words can describe. Here I am 5 months later that baby is in heaven and I am awaiting transfer on monday of 2 embryos that we pray will one day be a baby we hold in our arms. I don't know why i do this to myself but I just finished looking through ultrasound photos, the pregnancy announcement and watching the video of our baby's heartbeat and now I am sitting here sobbing scared to death of that happening again. I absolutely do not feel that I have the strength to go through that again. But I also know that a blessing is coming to us and I will not give up on our dream. I know whatever happens I will survive with God's grace, but just the thought of it makes me crumble. This is my story, my path to walk, and I don't fully understand why right now but one day I will. I am just clinging to my faith and I know that we will be blessed and whatever God's will is for me is what I want. I just pray for strength and peace going into this journey again. We will be parents...we are parents.

Today just got bad

Its only 7am & I am already sitting here crying. Sometimes I just don't know why we even try... But that's only for a split second then my motherly desire takes over again & I keep on keeping on. I opened mail this morning that I had piled on the counter from a couple days ago. Of course another big fat medical bill. We just paid out $731 for my D&C. Now another $1123.51is due. And it's "due upon reciept". Why yes we just have that laying around. When we paid $24,000+ out of pocket to create that baby. Its already almost more than I can deal with at times, then the medical bills come. It's like here, just when you thought you'd break down but found the strength not to, another thing to pile onto your problems.Sometimes I just feel like I can't keep dealing with this. All I can do is cry it out then get on with life. But God, why is life so unfair. Yes I'm pouting, yes I'm having a pity party. But I can't be strong all the time. We just want a baby. There are so many people out there that don't deserve their babies that don't love them & we go through all this & still don't have one. Sometimes it's really hard not to question God. But I know that's human nature. & that doesn't make it right. So I ask forgiveness for my questions, and pray for the strength to just keep going.

20 weeks

Today would have marked 20 weeks into our pregnancy with what was & still is a miracle baby. She was a miracle in the short time she lived & she remains a miracle in heaven. God put just the right egg & sperm together in the lab at Wake Forest on 5/24/14…. The day she started her short little journey on this earth. Its still so amazing to me the technology that God has blessed us with to be able to create a life. Without God's hand guiding my doctors our baby would have never had the chance to form. I only held her in my womb, never in my arms. & as heartbreaking as it is that she's no longer with me, I feel so blessed that she made me a mother. & I will get the chance to hold her again.

Instead of baby shopping, nursery decorating & dreaming of meeting our baby today, I got up at 6:30am & ran/walked 2 miles today. Sometimes life is just so depressing. I could lay in bed & cry all day. If I stop & think too long that's exactly what I'd end up doing. But I force myself to hope for a future baby, hope that our upcoming embryo transfer will result in a healthy living baby in our arms. I'm so scared of life at times.  I may never raise children. That's the most terrifying thought for me. & it runs through my head every single day over & over. But I keep faith that this sorrow will one day lead to happiness beyond what anyone can comprehend. Because it's times like these, pain like this that makes happy times even happier. If life was without sorrow we wouldn't know true joy. So I praise God for every emotion I have, even through this pain, because this is making me into the person I'm meant to be. It has given me perspective on life I would never have had. If things had worked out by my plan. I wouldn't have the chance to truly realize what a blessing a child is & wouldn't know myself or my husband the way I do now. God is good all the time even in the midst of the pain, He is still good.

Just what we needed

We returned from our week long vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains yesterday. It was just what we needed. When I booked this vacation I was pregnant & was thinking this would be our babymoon, our last vacation alone before baby came in February. Little did I know I would find out our baby went to heaven on July 17th.

We continued with the vacation because with everything that we've been through this year we really needed the time away. Our first stop was in Pigeon Forge at The Christmas Place. I have a thing for ornaments & I have one for all major life events & one for every vacation I've been on. We purchased an angel ornament in memory of our angel. Our baby will forever be in our hearts. When we left the Christmas place we went into a little boutique that was right beside it. As soon as we walked in there was a section of adorable baby clothes & a couple that looked a little younger than us with their baby that looked to be about 9 months old. They were laughing & purchasing adorable little outfits. We left the store at about the same time they did & they stopped to look at some caged birds they held her to the cage and laughed and pointed the birds out to her. & I felt that heartache that will never go away. We got into the car & I cried, I just hate seeing anything to remind me of my crushed dreams. Sometimes it seems like everyone else even the ones who seem to be undeserving in my eyes get the joy of motherhood while my heart just breaks with the desire. I don't understand why it can't be us.

But I have hope & I pray for peace in my heart to accept His will in my life. We had a great vacation. We spent a week in the gorgeous mountains. We camped for 2 nights at Elkmont campground. As we drove through Cade's Cove on our last full day of vacation I stared at the most beautiful land my eyes have ever seen & I felt blessed. I sat beside the man I prayed for. I have spent many a day wondering if I'd ever have a love like I have now & God blessed me & He is not finished yet.

River right across from our campsite at Elkmont Campground

Cade's Cove

Cade's Cove

Cade's Cove Methodist Church built in 1902

Tonight I just wanna cry

Tomorrow at 7:30am I will go to women's hospital for pre-op for a D&C that will be done at 9am. Exactly 3 months from the the date of our embryo transfer. On May 29th I became pregnant with our angel. I became a mother that day. Even though our baby went to heaven a little more than a month ago we have been unable to move forward. I will never forget & I will never stop loving our precious baby. The hurt will never go away completely. I need to move forward but at the same time I dont want to. I can't explain that. I don't want to feel this way forever but this is our baby that won't be talked about that won't be remembered by anyone but us. No one else got to meet him/her but I did & I love her more than anyone else in this world will ever understand. I don't want her to be gone but she is and she has been for more than a month now. Tomorrow just makes it real again it brings back this ache. Its weird how on Tuesday when the d&c was scheduled how much relief i had just knowing that after Friday we can move forward, not forget but move foward. And right now it sounds crazy but the last thing I want to do is move forward. I want that baby back I want to be 16 weeks pregnant on Saturday not recovering from a d&c. Tonight I'm heartbroken. I know once its over things will get better & I'll feel hope again but tonight I just wanna cry.

Eternity...

Yesterday would have marked our 13th week of pregnancy. We would have been out of that first trimester,  out of the scariest months of pregnancy. I've cried a lot this weekend. I can't help but think about what could have been & its hard to accept it will never be. I will never hold that baby here I will never look at chubby cheeks or any of those things. Sometimes I think I have the questioning behind me but its still here & it probably always will be. I will see someone pregnant or a mother that I think "I know I would be a better mother than her. I'd actually take care of & love my child". People having babies that can't take care of themselves. But that is the human in me... Who am I to judge God's work? His plans are far beyond my comprehension because they are far greater than anything I could plan.

It has been a rainy cool weekend here & last night my hubby & I rented Redbox movies & laid in bed the windows open, listening to the rain come down. We we watched 'heaven is for real' based on a true story. I had read the book several years ago, before we started down this journey. It was a good book but didn't touch my heart the way it did last night. In the movie the little 4 year old boy has a near death experience & visits heaven, there he meets his sister who he had no idea ever existed who had died in his mommy's tummy. The tears were flowing & Chris just held me tight... But not sad tears. That was just another reassurance God has sent to me. One sweet day I will meet my Heavenly Father & I will spend eternity with my baby. That baby of ours is most definitely without a single doubt up in heaven right now, she/he (we always call it a she because we both felt like it was a girl) is up there with my nanny. I am not sad she's there its a much greater place than this earth but I am selfish & want her here for us to love & enjoy. But just knowing I will see her, love her, hold her, kiss her, hug her & do every other thing I long to do with her one day gives me hope, peace & reason to keep going. We have our lives to live here on earth but I will keep my main focus not on what's here but on eternity... What is to come, what will never fade away but last forever.

Its amazing when I take the time to remember that truth how much better I feel about life, how much hope I have. I am officially finished miscarrying & we can move forward. I am anxious,excited & scared to try again. But I know its what we both want & are meant to do. We have 7 embryos that God blessed us with. They may never become a life on this earth & one of them may be our blessing we've been waiting on, we will never know if we don't continue to try. So we're currently waiting for my cycle to start which will be our first FET(frozen embryo transfer) cycle. Even if this is not the last miscarriage we have have to endure everything works together for our good & we will get through whatever comes our way.

We can move forward...

Yesterday I went back for another ultrasound after taking my secind  round of medication that is supposed to help speed this whole miscarriage process up. There is still a small amount left. The baby is not recognizable now like last time, thank God. I had my ultrasound yesterday morning was told by the ultrasound tech that she would have the Dr call me. I just assumed the Dr would be calling me that same day. I mean I have been dealing with this for 22days now... & just wanting this to be over!!!!! I was told last time that if it was not out I would need to have a d&c this time to remove it. But since there's not a lot left I'm not sure what the plan is now. So I waited anxiously all afternoon no call. I called them & was told my ultrasound still wasn't in the chart therefore it had not been reviewed by my Dr who had already left for the day & that they will call tomorrow. So here I am at 0950 & haven't heard a thing still just wondering what will have to be done. This whole process is difficult enough to deal with I shouldn't have to wait & wonder.

I'll just never understand this. Its supposed to get easier yet its not. Here we are going on 3 years of actively trying to concieve there hasnt been a single month in the past 27 months that we haven't tracked ovulation, done fertility meds, iui's or IVF protocols. I'm so tired of it I'm just tired. But I can't let it go. Some may never understand but those that don't understand already have given birth to a child of their own. Everyone that says just adobt or some other other careless remark like take some time... Already has their baby they don't know what this feels like. I get on fb & everyone else in the world has babies. There were a dozen born this week. My heart just breaks. People that already have children get to have more & more while I just wait broken not understanding... But we keep on keeping on. That's the only choice we have just hanging on to that tiny thread of hope, its what gets us through.

Dr just called great news... No d&c the fetal tissue is gone. She is going to talk to the ultrasound tech Monday to just make sure she's clear on what she saw. But I shouldn't have to do the meds again either. She said the rest should come out with my regular cycle. I am feeling so much relief. We can finally move on & just try again.

My strength comes from the Lord.

Sometimes I wonder if this aching broken feeling I have is ever going to go away. Its so weird how in the span of a day I can start off feeling so hopeless & broken to feeling full of hope. That's the almighty power of the good Lord & nothing else. Mornings are usually horrible for me. This morning I laid on the bathroom floor and just screamed, cried, & prayed. The house was empty with my husband at work & it gives me a chance to get these feelings out without any explanantion. God has given me strength & I know that with His help I will get through this. I will never ever forget our sweet angel but I will live life again. I feel hopeful one day we will have a baby here on earth & neither of us is nowhere near giving up on that... & I believe that's for a reason. We do still have 7 embryos frozen & every single one of them is for a reason & part of God's plan for our lives. I am so thankful for this pregnancy & the happiness it brought us. I praise the Lord for everything he gives & takes away. I've grown & learned from this experience I have truly been at my breaking point & I know without a doubt that my strength comes from the Lord. I am a mother because God blessed me with a baby... One day I will get to spend eternity with our precious blessing & that is such comfort to my broken heart.

I've connected with so many other women that walk this journey I pray that they all experience the peace & strength of God. I wouldn't be here today if not for my relationship with my Savior he has saved me in more ways than one.