20 weeks

Today would have marked 20 weeks into our pregnancy with what was & still is a miracle baby. She was a miracle in the short time she lived & she remains a miracle in heaven. God put just the right egg & sperm together in the lab at Wake Forest on 5/24/14…. The day she started her short little journey on this earth. Its still so amazing to me the technology that God has blessed us with to be able to create a life. Without God's hand guiding my doctors our baby would have never had the chance to form. I only held her in my womb, never in my arms. & as heartbreaking as it is that she's no longer with me, I feel so blessed that she made me a mother. & I will get the chance to hold her again.

Instead of baby shopping, nursery decorating & dreaming of meeting our baby today, I got up at 6:30am & ran/walked 2 miles today. Sometimes life is just so depressing. I could lay in bed & cry all day. If I stop & think too long that's exactly what I'd end up doing. But I force myself to hope for a future baby, hope that our upcoming embryo transfer will result in a healthy living baby in our arms. I'm so scared of life at times.  I may never raise children. That's the most terrifying thought for me. & it runs through my head every single day over & over. But I keep faith that this sorrow will one day lead to happiness beyond what anyone can comprehend. Because it's times like these, pain like this that makes happy times even happier. If life was without sorrow we wouldn't know true joy. So I praise God for every emotion I have, even through this pain, because this is making me into the person I'm meant to be. It has given me perspective on life I would never have had. If things had worked out by my plan. I wouldn't have the chance to truly realize what a blessing a child is & wouldn't know myself or my husband the way I do now. God is good all the time even in the midst of the pain, He is still good.