Late post from 9 4/14
I know that for he next 9 months I will always think about what life would have been like at this time, heck i will probably do that for the rest of my life. This weekend I would have marked 17 weeks. I look at photos of other pregnant women at 17weeks and wonder what would my baby bump look like right now, how would it feel to feel the baby kick & move. I am sad, sometimes I feel like I am in this deep pit all alone that i will never climb out of. Then other times I feel full of hope & peace. My emotions are like a roller coaster. It can take one little thought, one little reminder & I'm falling apart in my grief. I know this is "normal", & "time will heal" I've heard it a million times. I'm tired of being stuck I want a baby. I just want to be a mother to a a child that I can love. If it was as easy as just taking one of the many children no one loves/wants in this world I would take one of those little miracles in a heartbeat. As much as I want a child of our own one that is biologically a part of us I want to be a mother more. & I will not give up trying to make that happen until I have to but I can & would love & mother any baby. In 6 short months I will turn 30. I never imagined I would be turning 30 without a family. I thought by now I'd have at least 3 kids possibly more. The one thing in life I want more than ANYTHING, I can't make it happen. I'm so scared Chris & I will grow old with no babies or grand babies filling our home. This thought breaks my heart into a million pieces.
On a hopeful note I am ready for FET and I am so anxious to get started with meds again as horrible as they are, they're hope for me that they will bring our miracle & if I had to take a needle everyday for the rest of my life that's nothing compared to the joy a baby would bring to our lives. I can't wait & at the same time I dread walking into my RE's office again for scans monitoring the progress. People that can just make a baby on their own don't realize how blessed they are. To be able to just decide u want a baby & have it happen I can't even imagine. Its so unfair. God my heart aches for that.
Just venting.
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