Anxiously awaiting

I can't believe that we have now been TTC for 29 months, not just TTC but ACTIVELY beyond anything my mind could have ever imagined doing, everything humanly, scientifically possible to create our baby. And still no baby. It has been almost 4 months since we've done any fertility treatments because the miscarriage process took way longer than I expected (4 times taking cyotec & finally a d&c). I hate not doing anything... I need to feel like I am making progress, or even if I'm not at least feel like we are trying. My hope comes from trying. I am beyond ready for our first FET. I absolutely have never been more anxious to get a cycle started. I wasn't even this anxious about starting our IVF cycle. I've been staring at my FET cycle meds for what seems like forever just waiting on my cycle so that I can apply those patches, pop those pills, & have hubby shoot me up with progesterone. It's insane that I'm ready for that & want it... But those things are steps we have to do to make a baby. Those that can just have sex & make it happen do not & will not ever realize what a blessing that is.

After losing our little miracle I have such a fear that none of our remaining embryos will ever become a healthy living child. This thought has me thinking more about the option of adoption. At the start of our IVF cycle I was so convinced it would result in me becoming a mother. I didn't even want to entertain the thought of not giving birth to my own child. I have been longing for the pregnancy experience as much as I've been longing for the child. But after the loss & lots of thinking (which I sometimes do way too much of) I just want a baby. I do not care where it comes from, who it comes from I just NEED to be a mother. Ideally it would be to a child Chris & I have created that share our DNA because I just know that the mix of us would be the most perfect child. But that may not be God's will for us. And I just started crying as I typed that last sentence because that thought is still a huge fear for me. But I know that I could fall in love with a baby that is not biologically my own just as much, because my real longing is to mother a child, to raise a child to love & serve the Lord. I am going to be a mother one day. It may not be to a child I give birth to but I will be a mother.

This is not saying in anyway shape or form we are giving up on creating a little Medlin. I personally have to continue trying until God tells me it's time to move in another direction & I'm not there yet, neither is my hubby. But if that time comes I am okay with it & will feel just as blessed to love any child God gives me no matter where it comes from.