Eternity...

Yesterday would have marked our 13th week of pregnancy. We would have been out of that first trimester,  out of the scariest months of pregnancy. I've cried a lot this weekend. I can't help but think about what could have been & its hard to accept it will never be. I will never hold that baby here I will never look at chubby cheeks or any of those things. Sometimes I think I have the questioning behind me but its still here & it probably always will be. I will see someone pregnant or a mother that I think "I know I would be a better mother than her. I'd actually take care of & love my child". People having babies that can't take care of themselves. But that is the human in me... Who am I to judge God's work? His plans are far beyond my comprehension because they are far greater than anything I could plan.

It has been a rainy cool weekend here & last night my hubby & I rented Redbox movies & laid in bed the windows open, listening to the rain come down. We we watched 'heaven is for real' based on a true story. I had read the book several years ago, before we started down this journey. It was a good book but didn't touch my heart the way it did last night. In the movie the little 4 year old boy has a near death experience & visits heaven, there he meets his sister who he had no idea ever existed who had died in his mommy's tummy. The tears were flowing & Chris just held me tight... But not sad tears. That was just another reassurance God has sent to me. One sweet day I will meet my Heavenly Father & I will spend eternity with my baby. That baby of ours is most definitely without a single doubt up in heaven right now, she/he (we always call it a she because we both felt like it was a girl) is up there with my nanny. I am not sad she's there its a much greater place than this earth but I am selfish & want her here for us to love & enjoy. But just knowing I will see her, love her, hold her, kiss her, hug her & do every other thing I long to do with her one day gives me hope, peace & reason to keep going. We have our lives to live here on earth but I will keep my main focus not on what's here but on eternity... What is to come, what will never fade away but last forever.

Its amazing when I take the time to remember that truth how much better I feel about life, how much hope I have. I am officially finished miscarrying & we can move forward. I am anxious,excited & scared to try again. But I know its what we both want & are meant to do. We have 7 embryos that God blessed us with. They may never become a life on this earth & one of them may be our blessing we've been waiting on, we will never know if we don't continue to try. So we're currently waiting for my cycle to start which will be our first FET(frozen embryo transfer) cycle. Even if this is not the last miscarriage we have have to endure everything works together for our good & we will get through whatever comes our way.