Saturdays are hard

My egg retrieval was on Saturday May 24th, and our baby was concieved that day, so every Saturday is just hard because I'm reminded of where I would have been in my pregnancy. Today would have been 38 weeks. In 2 weeks is our due date, and it gets harder the closer we get to that date. Its hard not to think about what could have been. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about where we go from here and our plans for the future. We haven't actively done anything in regards to infertility since November and I know its only January but every day that ticks by without a baby in my life seems like a lifetime. My 30th birthday is also coming up and I honestly dread it. I hate the fact that I'm turning 30 childless. If you have the motherly desire there truly is a biological clock & mine ticks loudly. Sure I have 10 years but that's a very short amount of time when I look back at how fast the past ten years have passed. My desire to have a houseful of babies will never be and that's the raw truth that I live with. My dream of having 4 kids is gone, now I just pray for 1 healthy baby and I don't care how it happens, I don't even have to biologically have a child. I want the child the God has intended for me whatever way that happens.

It has been 5 months since my d&c & my body is still not regulated. We had planned to have done our last frozen embryo transfer by now, but we're still waiting. The last 3 years have been spent waiting. I'm back and forth about the plans for this year in regards to building our family. I will take things one day at a time when it comes to my decisions and I may change my mind. But I will do what I feel is best for my body and my peace of mind. Today I've done a lot of thinking about doing another fresh ivf cycle later in the year. I think I want to exhaust all of our ivf attempts before moving on with an adoption agency. If God places a child in our lives before that time comes we will persue adoption without a doubt. But I think I want to close the door to ivf before we open another in regards to getting involved with an adoption agency.

I pray for discernment & peace in the decisions on which path we decide to take. This whole process can take a toll on your mind if you allow it too, sometimes it's a difficult battle to stay positive. And in regards to that I'm not where I need to be, but Lord knows I'm not where I used to be & praise Him for that. Prayer is my defence against those horrible thoughts from the devil who is working hard to steal my joy.

The baby that only God & I held...

Today would have marked 37 weeks of pregnancy. I would have been holding our little miracle in my arms any day now. 

Some days the pain is just as real as it was the day I lay on the exam table & stared at our perfectly formed baby's little body the perfect little head, arms and legs and stared in silence waiting for a heartbeat then hearing the words "I'm so sorry the heart is not beating". I can still hear the piercing silence in that room that day. I was so angry so broken, more than broken I was and still am at times crushed into a million pieces. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever go a week without crying. I know I will, there was a time when I couldn't go a day & now I can. Healing takes time & the strength from God.

Sometimes I go back to the video of the last normal ultrasound, the flickering on the screen & the strong heartbeat. I will never forget that sound, I'm so thankful I can hear that heartbeat anytime I need to. My baby was real no one else got to hold her or love her as deeply as I did but she lived & always will be in my heart. There will never be a day that goes by as long as I'm living that I don't miss our baby. Some days are just worse than others.

And the break nears to an end...

I've tried to push my infertility to the back burner in my life & for the past month and a half I have been the happiest I've been in a while. The past few days I've been thinking and really not looking forward to going back to see my RE. In a approximately 3 weeks I'll be begin meds for another hopeful embryo transfer. Up until my last frozen embryo transfer I had high hopes that I'd one day carry my own child, but after losing 6 embryos in one day, my hopes aren't very high of that ever happening. We now have one embryo left & I truly dread starting meds again, feeling the way I feel on them for a month only to be told our last embryo didn't make it either. I want to to at least attempt this last embryo before moving towards adoption, if not it will be in the back of my mind & I'll wonder could it have made it? I've been so strong the last month that I dread the uneasy scary unknowing feeling that going through a frozen cycle entails. I'm scared of the finality of it, that after this it truly is over. But at the same I've been at peace with our decision & at this time I do not want to endure another fresh ivf cycle. My head hurts just thinking about it. My heart aches. I just want a baby whether I birth the baby or God sends me a baby through adoption I can honestly say I do not care, but I know I want to be a mother. I just have to stay strong, stay peaceful, stay happy, stay faithful until it is our time. I've said it a million times, I will never understand this. God give me peace.