Half agony, half hope

As if I am not already about to my breaking point... Another setback.Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take before I lose it. I "lose it" quite frequently, to the point where I break down and just cry my heart out. I always pick back up and carry on, but sometimes I wonder how much longer I can carry on before we have to just let this go and go in another direction. It's a conversation we have been having and no one in this world knows just how hard this is on me. I am emotionally just drained. In my head I have this plan of trying for at least 3 more FET cycles, if I can emotionally hang on that long. Our next step would be surrogacy but I want my baby to grow inside of me. I want to feel those movements and kicks. It tears my heart to pieces that my body may not bare our babies. I am just so overwhelmed. And I'm so sick of comments from people that have no idea what I am going through "Just relax" & other ignorant comments. If you have children you do not know what this is like. & it's hard to not feel such anger. I am jealous of every woman that has the privelege to bear a child. This is supposed to be MY decision & I have NO control over it & sometimes I feel its destroying me.

Our FET was scheduled yesterday. I went in for another ultrasound to double check my uterine lining to make sure it was up to par before proceeding with the transfer. Of course something was wrong. It seems there's always something wrong. Nothing about this process is easy. So I go into the office thinking I'll be coming out with 2 embryos inside me to settle in and grow. And I come out just heartbroken. My ultrasound did not look normal. RE isn't sure if it's scar tissue from the miscarriage or polyps. So our FET was canceled for this month. I stopped all meds yesterday to bring on my period. I will have another HSG (hysterosonogram) on Thursday to get a definitive diagnosis of what exactly is wrong with my lining. If its scar tissue or polyps I'll likely have surgery to remove them before we can move forward with a FET. I know in the scheme of it all this is something minimal that is easily fixed, but when you're teetering on the edge about to fall this has been almost enough to send me plummeting to the bottom. Emotionally I'm just so fragile. I had my hopes up so high of brining home our embryos and so beyond ready to try again.

Sometimes I feel so strong, like I have got this, that whatever comes our way I can handle it and I can cope. But then other times I just feel like I am crumbling into a million pieces and I'll never be whole again. I'm half agony, half hope.