Walk on...

It is 11am and I am still in my pajamas. I haven't done a thing today but sit on the couch and cry. There are some days I succomb to my grief and I just release it. I have snotted and sobbed this morning to the point I could barely catch my breath. There is no one in this world that knows or understands my pain. No one knows how many tears I have cried. Not even my husband. I sit in our living room & so many thoughts run through my head. I imagine holding our baby, swaddling her, singing to her, putting her in a stroller & going for an autumn run with her. I imagine her being about 5 years old running up & down our hallway, playing with her & loving him/her more than any other little boy or girl in this world is loved. Then I imagine her still being in my womb feeling her kick and move about. These thoughts bring me to a point that I'm useless I can't do anything but sit here & cry.

I always snap out of it, I always pick myself up & walk on. We have no other choice. I have to live, I have to try. I cannot give up. So then after a good long cry that sometimes lasts a few minutes, sometimes lasts all day long I think happy thoughts. I tell myself this next cycle WILL work & I believe whole heartedly that it will. I pray & God gives me strength.

This is a part of my release. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. My reasons for writing these posts are for ME & for any other woman that may read them that have sat and cried tears like these & have wondered if anyone else in the world truly understands their pain. I've been blessed to come to know a handful of women in this journey that I've connected with that truly get this & for that I am thankful. When I need someone to text excitedly that I just started my period for FET cycle they get it! I'm thankful that one of my best friends is dealing with this. Not because I wish this pain on her but because she knows how I feel. I know that God has brought us together in this journey because he knows we need each other. When my husband doesn't even understand I have someone to talk to that gets it. Infertility is hard on the husbands too, but there's nothing like the motherly desire in a woman. I pray for myself and every woman that ever has to feel this pain, that we are all blessed to become mothers one day.