Lately I have been struggling with staying in my positive place. Emotionally this whole process is like a roller coaster. You get your hopes up to have them crushed, then you have try to build yourself back up enough to even function. I was so high in my hopes Monday morning going into the office thinking I was going in for FET then I came out about as low as I can go. Now I am stuck somewhere in between trying to build myself back up again. I have always been very fragile emotionally. The slightest little things can bring me down to tears. I think this journey is doubly difficult to deal with when you're an emotional type person to begin with. It's a constant battle of trying to keep myself together enough to get through the day. I wake up and sometimes I don't want to get up I want to lay right there and just cry all day long. You may call this depression, I'm not sure I'd say I am depressed. My life is perfect in my eyes except for this one thing... this one HUGE thing. I have everything else I have ever wanted. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy. All we need is our baby and my life with be complete. It sounds so simple. If only it were that simple. Never in a million years would I have thought we'd be here 5 failed IUIs, IVF and a miscarriage later. Here we are with no baby. Two and a half years later we are still trying to create our family. It's so scary. How many more years will I have to live with this desire? And to think we may be doing all this for nothing. All the procedures, all the shots, all the meds, all the emotional turmoil and we still aren't guaranteed a baby in the end of it all. And when will it ever end. Will I ever feel like I can stop trying? I am not sure I will ever get to that point. I am not sure I can ever give up on this. I have dreamed of carrying MY child inside me I shouldn't have to decide when I have to to give up on that dream. No one has the answers to these questions. I can pray and ask God for the answers and I know He will guide me but will I ever really know when enough is enough? Sometimes I feel like I need a break from trying for my emotional well being. But I can't even take a break. I can't go one second without thinking about it hardly. Can I really expect myself to take a few months off and relax. I feel like I am giving up if I do that I feel like "what if that were the month that it could have happened?" and I am not even trying.
My mind goes a million miles per minute. I am always thinking, always wondering. The only answer is prayer. My mind is a battlefield.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
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