20 weeks

Today would have marked 20 weeks into our pregnancy with what was & still is a miracle baby. She was a miracle in the short time she lived & she remains a miracle in heaven. God put just the right egg & sperm together in the lab at Wake Forest on 5/24/14…. The day she started her short little journey on this earth. Its still so amazing to me the technology that God has blessed us with to be able to create a life. Without God's hand guiding my doctors our baby would have never had the chance to form. I only held her in my womb, never in my arms. & as heartbreaking as it is that she's no longer with me, I feel so blessed that she made me a mother. & I will get the chance to hold her again.

Instead of baby shopping, nursery decorating & dreaming of meeting our baby today, I got up at 6:30am & ran/walked 2 miles today. Sometimes life is just so depressing. I could lay in bed & cry all day. If I stop & think too long that's exactly what I'd end up doing. But I force myself to hope for a future baby, hope that our upcoming embryo transfer will result in a healthy living baby in our arms. I'm so scared of life at times.  I may never raise children. That's the most terrifying thought for me. & it runs through my head every single day over & over. But I keep faith that this sorrow will one day lead to happiness beyond what anyone can comprehend. Because it's times like these, pain like this that makes happy times even happier. If life was without sorrow we wouldn't know true joy. So I praise God for every emotion I have, even through this pain, because this is making me into the person I'm meant to be. It has given me perspective on life I would never have had. If things had worked out by my plan. I wouldn't have the chance to truly realize what a blessing a child is & wouldn't know myself or my husband the way I do now. God is good all the time even in the midst of the pain, He is still good.

Whoa....

I just totaled up our out of pocket medical bills since October of 2013. And in the past year this is the amount we've paid...

How crazy am I?

I am thinking, what if I got pregnant with no infertility treatments? How crazy would that be? After 2.5 years non stop every single cycle tracking ovulation, 2 medicated cycles, 5 IUI's, & IVF, I still hang onto hope. It has been almost a month since my D&C & I still have not started my regular cycle. I'm tempted to POAS... Stupid & a waste, I know. I don't know why I entertain such crazy thoughts. I just want to try again. Time goes by way too fast to stand still & I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing, but it's not by choice. I can't believe it's already almost October. Time slow down. I'm getting too old & no babies. God reminds me He is in control,  not me. My plan for life consisted of this: marriage around age 23 (didn't happen till age 27), babies ASAP & all 4 before the age of 30. I will turn 30 without any children. Let alone 4, just give me 1 & I will be happy. I want time to speed up & slow down all at once. I want to hurry up & get to start our FET cycle.

It's hard not being in control of this aspect of my life & its just not fair that most other women get to control whether or not they have children, when they'll have them. I HATE infertility. I'm just throwing a pity party. Ugh.

Post op appointment

Today I had my post op appointment from the D&C. I got good news that the pathology report was normal, which means no chromosomal abnormalities. It just wasnt our time, that is a baby we will only hold in heaven. I have worried about our other embryos being affected with chromosome abnormalities so this gives me a heap of relief.

My doctor is very supportive & told me to call her anytime even if I just need to talk. She's been through IVF & FET herself, so she knows the roller coaster ride I'm on.

Now I just wait for my cycle to start so I can go to RE for a baseline ultrasound & hopefully start our first FET.

Anxiously awaiting

I can't believe that we have now been TTC for 29 months, not just TTC but ACTIVELY beyond anything my mind could have ever imagined doing, everything humanly, scientifically possible to create our baby. And still no baby. It has been almost 4 months since we've done any fertility treatments because the miscarriage process took way longer than I expected (4 times taking cyotec & finally a d&c). I hate not doing anything... I need to feel like I am making progress, or even if I'm not at least feel like we are trying. My hope comes from trying. I am beyond ready for our first FET. I absolutely have never been more anxious to get a cycle started. I wasn't even this anxious about starting our IVF cycle. I've been staring at my FET cycle meds for what seems like forever just waiting on my cycle so that I can apply those patches, pop those pills, & have hubby shoot me up with progesterone. It's insane that I'm ready for that & want it... But those things are steps we have to do to make a baby. Those that can just have sex & make it happen do not & will not ever realize what a blessing that is.

After losing our little miracle I have such a fear that none of our remaining embryos will ever become a healthy living child. This thought has me thinking more about the option of adoption. At the start of our IVF cycle I was so convinced it would result in me becoming a mother. I didn't even want to entertain the thought of not giving birth to my own child. I have been longing for the pregnancy experience as much as I've been longing for the child. But after the loss & lots of thinking (which I sometimes do way too much of) I just want a baby. I do not care where it comes from, who it comes from I just NEED to be a mother. Ideally it would be to a child Chris & I have created that share our DNA because I just know that the mix of us would be the most perfect child. But that may not be God's will for us. And I just started crying as I typed that last sentence because that thought is still a huge fear for me. But I know that I could fall in love with a baby that is not biologically my own just as much, because my real longing is to mother a child, to raise a child to love & serve the Lord. I am going to be a mother one day. It may not be to a child I give birth to but I will be a mother.

This is not saying in anyway shape or form we are giving up on creating a little Medlin. I personally have to continue trying until God tells me it's time to move in another direction & I'm not there yet, neither is my hubby. But if that time comes I am okay with it & will feel just as blessed to love any child God gives me no matter where it comes from.

Just what we needed

We returned from our week long vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains yesterday. It was just what we needed. When I booked this vacation I was pregnant & was thinking this would be our babymoon, our last vacation alone before baby came in February. Little did I know I would find out our baby went to heaven on July 17th.

We continued with the vacation because with everything that we've been through this year we really needed the time away. Our first stop was in Pigeon Forge at The Christmas Place. I have a thing for ornaments & I have one for all major life events & one for every vacation I've been on. We purchased an angel ornament in memory of our angel. Our baby will forever be in our hearts. When we left the Christmas place we went into a little boutique that was right beside it. As soon as we walked in there was a section of adorable baby clothes & a couple that looked a little younger than us with their baby that looked to be about 9 months old. They were laughing & purchasing adorable little outfits. We left the store at about the same time they did & they stopped to look at some caged birds they held her to the cage and laughed and pointed the birds out to her. & I felt that heartache that will never go away. We got into the car & I cried, I just hate seeing anything to remind me of my crushed dreams. Sometimes it seems like everyone else even the ones who seem to be undeserving in my eyes get the joy of motherhood while my heart just breaks with the desire. I don't understand why it can't be us.

But I have hope & I pray for peace in my heart to accept His will in my life. We had a great vacation. We spent a week in the gorgeous mountains. We camped for 2 nights at Elkmont campground. As we drove through Cade's Cove on our last full day of vacation I stared at the most beautiful land my eyes have ever seen & I felt blessed. I sat beside the man I prayed for. I have spent many a day wondering if I'd ever have a love like I have now & God blessed me & He is not finished yet.

River right across from our campsite at Elkmont Campground

Cade's Cove

Cade's Cove

Cade's Cove Methodist Church built in 1902

Just venting

Late post from 9 4/14
I know that for he next 9 months I will always think about what life would have been like at this time, heck i will probably do that for the rest of my life. This weekend I would have marked 17 weeks. I look at photos of other pregnant women at 17weeks and wonder what would my baby bump look like right now, how would it feel to feel the baby kick & move. I am sad, sometimes I feel like I am in this deep pit all alone that i will never climb out of. Then other times I feel full of hope & peace. My emotions are like a roller coaster. It can take one little thought, one little reminder & I'm falling apart in my grief. I know this is "normal", & "time will heal" I've heard it a million times. I'm tired of being stuck I want a baby. I just want to be a mother to a a child that I can love. If it was as easy as just taking one of the many children no one loves/wants in this world I would take one of those little miracles in a heartbeat. As much as I want a child of our own one that is biologically a part of us I want to be a mother more. & I will not give up trying to make that happen until I have to but I can & would love & mother any baby. In 6 short months I will turn 30. I never imagined I would be turning 30 without a family. I thought by now I'd have at least 3 kids possibly more. The one thing in life I want more than ANYTHING, I can't make it happen. I'm so scared Chris & I will grow old with no babies or grand babies filling our home. This thought breaks my heart into a million pieces.

On a hopeful note I am ready for FET and I am so anxious to get started with meds again as horrible as they are, they're hope for me that they will bring our miracle & if I had to take a needle everyday for the rest of my life that's nothing compared to the joy a baby would bring to our lives. I can't wait & at the same time I dread walking into my RE's office again for scans monitoring the progress. People that can just make a baby on their own don't realize how blessed they are. To be able to just decide u want a baby & have it happen I can't even imagine. Its so unfair. God my heart aches for that.

Just venting.