FET cycle

Today is CD1 of another attempt at a FET. I went in for my SHG today and it looked great. today could not have been better. I was totally prepared to be told there was scar tissue or polyps that would need to be removed. But all is well and we can move forward with a FET this cycle. I will restart estradiol pills twice daily and estradiol patches every 3 days starting Saturday. I go back on 11/13/14 for a mid cycle ultrasound to check my lining and will be told then when my embryo transfer will be... probably around the 18th. I did a lot of praying this morning for these exact results and God answered my prayers. He is so good, all the time. I am so thankful and so relieved. Praise the Lord.

Faith

The devil is hard at work. I have been battling staying in a positive place. I have to pray more and push the negative thoughts out of my mind. It's a slow fade into that negative place. I must be diligent in prayer and keeping my thoughts positive. I KNOW without a doubt that the Lord has great plans for me. I KNOW that I will become a mother. Without a doubt I believe that with all my heart. I may not birth my own babies but I know that one day we will have babies to raise and love. The Lord is going to bless me with a family.

Below are a just a few of the many scriptures that reassures me of this truth. The Holy Bible is full of proof that God blessed many women with a family & He will do the same for me. I believe that & I claim it!

For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. Psalm 84:11

He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord! Psalm 113:9

Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was unable to have children. The Lord answered Isaac's prayer, and Rebekah became pregnant with twins. Genesis 25:21

My mind is a battlefield

Lately I have been struggling with staying in my positive place. Emotionally this whole process is like a roller coaster. You get your hopes up to have them crushed, then you have try to build yourself back up enough to even function. I was so high in my hopes Monday morning going into the office thinking I was going in for FET then I came out about as low as I can go. Now  I am stuck somewhere in between trying to build myself back up again. I have always been very fragile emotionally. The slightest little things can bring me down to tears. I think this journey is doubly difficult to deal with when you're an emotional type person to begin with. It's a constant battle of trying to keep myself together enough to get through the day. I wake up and sometimes I don't want to get up I want to lay right there and just cry all day long. You may call this depression, I'm not sure I'd say I am depressed. My life is perfect in my eyes except for this one thing... this one HUGE thing. I have everything else I have ever wanted. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy. All we need is our baby and my life with be complete. It sounds so simple. If only it were that simple. Never in a million years would I have thought we'd be here 5 failed IUIs, IVF and a miscarriage later. Here we are with no baby. Two and a half years later we are still trying to create our family. It's so scary. How many more years will I have to live with this desire? And to think we may be doing all this for nothing. All the procedures, all the shots, all the meds, all the emotional turmoil and we still aren't guaranteed a baby in the end of it all. And when will it ever end. Will I ever feel like I can stop trying? I am not sure I will ever get to that point. I am not sure I can ever give up on this. I have dreamed of carrying MY child inside me I shouldn't have to decide when I have to to give up on that dream. No one has the answers to these questions. I can pray and ask God for the answers and I know He will guide me but will I ever really know when enough is enough? Sometimes I feel like I need a break from trying for my emotional well being. But I can't even take a break. I can't go one second without thinking about it hardly. Can I really expect myself to take a few months off and relax. I feel like I am giving up if I do that I feel like "what if that were the month that it could have happened?" and I am not even trying.

My mind goes a million miles per minute. I am always thinking, always wondering. The only answer is prayer. My mind is a battlefield.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 

Half agony, half hope

As if I am not already about to my breaking point... Another setback.Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take before I lose it. I "lose it" quite frequently, to the point where I break down and just cry my heart out. I always pick back up and carry on, but sometimes I wonder how much longer I can carry on before we have to just let this go and go in another direction. It's a conversation we have been having and no one in this world knows just how hard this is on me. I am emotionally just drained. In my head I have this plan of trying for at least 3 more FET cycles, if I can emotionally hang on that long. Our next step would be surrogacy but I want my baby to grow inside of me. I want to feel those movements and kicks. It tears my heart to pieces that my body may not bare our babies. I am just so overwhelmed. And I'm so sick of comments from people that have no idea what I am going through "Just relax" & other ignorant comments. If you have children you do not know what this is like. & it's hard to not feel such anger. I am jealous of every woman that has the privelege to bear a child. This is supposed to be MY decision & I have NO control over it & sometimes I feel its destroying me.

Our FET was scheduled yesterday. I went in for another ultrasound to double check my uterine lining to make sure it was up to par before proceeding with the transfer. Of course something was wrong. It seems there's always something wrong. Nothing about this process is easy. So I go into the office thinking I'll be coming out with 2 embryos inside me to settle in and grow. And I come out just heartbroken. My ultrasound did not look normal. RE isn't sure if it's scar tissue from the miscarriage or polyps. So our FET was canceled for this month. I stopped all meds yesterday to bring on my period. I will have another HSG (hysterosonogram) on Thursday to get a definitive diagnosis of what exactly is wrong with my lining. If its scar tissue or polyps I'll likely have surgery to remove them before we can move forward with a FET. I know in the scheme of it all this is something minimal that is easily fixed, but when you're teetering on the edge about to fall this has been almost enough to send me plummeting to the bottom. Emotionally I'm just so fragile. I had my hopes up so high of brining home our embryos and so beyond ready to try again.

Sometimes I feel so strong, like I have got this, that whatever comes our way I can handle it and I can cope. But then other times I just feel like I am crumbling into a million pieces and I'll never be whole again. I'm half agony, half hope.

Blessings are coming

Five months ago I was awaiting my embryo transfer of the baby that I came to love more than words can describe. Here I am 5 months later that baby is in heaven and I am awaiting transfer on monday of 2 embryos that we pray will one day be a baby we hold in our arms. I don't know why i do this to myself but I just finished looking through ultrasound photos, the pregnancy announcement and watching the video of our baby's heartbeat and now I am sitting here sobbing scared to death of that happening again. I absolutely do not feel that I have the strength to go through that again. But I also know that a blessing is coming to us and I will not give up on our dream. I know whatever happens I will survive with God's grace, but just the thought of it makes me crumble. This is my story, my path to walk, and I don't fully understand why right now but one day I will. I am just clinging to my faith and I know that we will be blessed and whatever God's will is for me is what I want. I just pray for strength and peace going into this journey again. We will be parents...we are parents.

5 days til FET

Since my last post I'm now 18 days into my FET(frozen embryo cycle). Mid cycle ultrasound was last Friday. My lining looked good and thick. I started progesterone injections today & will continue these daily until 12 weeks gestation. I had some bleeding earlier in the week so I have to go in early Monday morning for another ultrasound to check my lining again. If my lining still looks good & hasn't thinned too much the embryologist will begin to thaw our embryos for FET that's scheduled for 10:45 Monday morning. I am definitely feeling the effects of the meds again. I'm very moody (poor hubby) & I just feel drained. But compared to my fresh IVF cycle I'm feeling great.

In just 5 long days I'll be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I have absolutely no patience so I will be testing 4dpt, which is super early but last cycle I had a very faint positive then. I'll test everyday until my blood test won't be for about 2 weeks post transfer.

I'm praying both embryos implant & we are holding healthy twins in 9 months. I can't even stand the thought of another miscarriage & I've pushed those thoughts as far from my mind as possible. I will not allow those thoughts to suffocate my hope. My heart just overfills with love at the thought of our little embies and I know that one day in God's perfect timing at least one of our 7 remaining embryos will be a baby we get to hold in our arms. One day I will print this blog into a book for our child & they will read these posts & know how loved & wanted he/she was before they were even conceived, & I look forward to that day.

Walk on...

It is 11am and I am still in my pajamas. I haven't done a thing today but sit on the couch and cry. There are some days I succomb to my grief and I just release it. I have snotted and sobbed this morning to the point I could barely catch my breath. There is no one in this world that knows or understands my pain. No one knows how many tears I have cried. Not even my husband. I sit in our living room & so many thoughts run through my head. I imagine holding our baby, swaddling her, singing to her, putting her in a stroller & going for an autumn run with her. I imagine her being about 5 years old running up & down our hallway, playing with her & loving him/her more than any other little boy or girl in this world is loved. Then I imagine her still being in my womb feeling her kick and move about. These thoughts bring me to a point that I'm useless I can't do anything but sit here & cry.

I always snap out of it, I always pick myself up & walk on. We have no other choice. I have to live, I have to try. I cannot give up. So then after a good long cry that sometimes lasts a few minutes, sometimes lasts all day long I think happy thoughts. I tell myself this next cycle WILL work & I believe whole heartedly that it will. I pray & God gives me strength.

This is a part of my release. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. My reasons for writing these posts are for ME & for any other woman that may read them that have sat and cried tears like these & have wondered if anyone else in the world truly understands their pain. I've been blessed to come to know a handful of women in this journey that I've connected with that truly get this & for that I am thankful. When I need someone to text excitedly that I just started my period for FET cycle they get it! I'm thankful that one of my best friends is dealing with this. Not because I wish this pain on her but because she knows how I feel. I know that God has brought us together in this journey because he knows we need each other. When my husband doesn't even understand I have someone to talk to that gets it. Infertility is hard on the husbands too, but there's nothing like the motherly desire in a woman. I pray for myself and every woman that ever has to feel this pain, that we are all blessed to become mothers one day.

Day 1 of FET cycle meds

Just took my morning pill & applied my first estrogen patch to prepare my body for FET. I am soo excited to get started again. I was not this excited about the initial IVF. This cycle will be so much more relaxed. I won't be going to the office every single day for ultrasounds & lab work. I get a full 11 days before my next visit. I felt so emotional yesterday morning prior to my baseline visit. But as I sat in the office & the same exam room that I first heard our baby's heartbeat I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, but with hope. & that is a great feeling. God answers prayers. He knows I'm mentally almost to my breaking point & he gives me strength beyond what I can imagine every single day. I have moments when I sit around and cry to release it all but for the most part I am way stronger than I give very myself credit for. And its not me at all, it's God's almighty power making me strong giving me hope. Its remembering his promises that gets me through this life.

I have faith & I know with all my heart God is going to bless us with our baby. I just know it. & I believe that because if I choose not to believe that my world will crumble. My Doctor said yesterday "I'm so excited for you". I told her I was excited too, but at the same time I'm so scared. She said "you have plenty of embryos. This is going to work". I'm so filled with Hope. God knows we want this baby more than anything in this world. I just pray that whatever happens I continue to have the strength to get through it.

Today just got bad

Its only 7am & I am already sitting here crying. Sometimes I just don't know why we even try... But that's only for a split second then my motherly desire takes over again & I keep on keeping on. I opened mail this morning that I had piled on the counter from a couple days ago. Of course another big fat medical bill. We just paid out $731 for my D&C. Now another $1123.51is due. And it's "due upon reciept". Why yes we just have that laying around. When we paid $24,000+ out of pocket to create that baby. Its already almost more than I can deal with at times, then the medical bills come. It's like here, just when you thought you'd break down but found the strength not to, another thing to pile onto your problems.Sometimes I just feel like I can't keep dealing with this. All I can do is cry it out then get on with life. But God, why is life so unfair. Yes I'm pouting, yes I'm having a pity party. But I can't be strong all the time. We just want a baby. There are so many people out there that don't deserve their babies that don't love them & we go through all this & still don't have one. Sometimes it's really hard not to question God. But I know that's human nature. & that doesn't make it right. So I ask forgiveness for my questions, and pray for the strength to just keep going.

I'm so eager... Yet I'm so scared

Well I now know my cycle is right around the corner. My body has its way of letting me know about 3-5 days before I start my next cycle. & it's time!!!! Within the next week I will be going back to my RE's office for a baseline ultrasound in preparation for our FET cycle. OMG, I have waited & waited to try again. It seems like I've waited forever & mostly I am so excited with a tiny little part of me terrified I will have to endure another nightmare. I can't let that fear overcome me. I will hope, I will pray, I will see the good & I will be a mother. Claiming it... God is going to bless us with babies. At my baseline ultrasound they will be checking the lining of my uterus & for cysts. If there are any cysts my FET cycle will be canceled. Just praying for God's will in this & strength. He has never let me down even at my darkest so I have faith no matter the outcome we will be okay. 15 days from my baseline I will return to the doctor for a follow up ultrasound & if all is good 5days from then we will transfer 2 of our little miracle embryos. & 9 months from now I will be having a healthy baby/babies. I am choosing to believe that with all my heart because if I even think about going through another miscarriage my world crumbles. So I know this is going to work... I just know it. Thank you Lord for emotionally, physically, & financially blessing us so that we are able to have this opportunity.  Its draining in all those aspects. But our rainbow baby is coming. I have FAITH!