Just getting some feelings out...

Writing about my feelings helps me to deal with them. I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings in words, but just the attempt of it helps me in some odd way. The past 4 days have been surreal for me and horrible to say the least. We have received a ton of messages and phone calls offering prayers & support. & honestly I have ignored them. The last thing I can explain is how I feel when you ask me how I'm feeling, am I doing okay? I am coping, I am dealing. In no way do I feel okay. I've laid in bed for 4 days, I haven't been outside and I don't want to. I don't want to pretend I feel okay about this yet, because I don't. I want to have my crying spells when I feel like I need to cry. I don't want to have to hold this in & act like this isn't happening. So please try to understand if you've messaged me multiple times and I haven't replied this is why.

I am accepting that this is real that there's no changing it.... but God I wish this wasn't real. I just imagine the day I heard her heartbeat and imagining the future we had with her and in the matter of a second that was ripped from me. I will never hear her heartbeat again, I will never hold her here on earth. I won't get a chance to stare at her face and take in her beauty the way I had dreamed of. & the thing that made this even more difficult to deal with was coming home knowing that she was still inside of me but she wasn't living inside me anymore. I dreamed that night that it was a mistake that her heart really was still beating and that they had just made a mistake. Then I woke up and the reality sank in all over again and that was just a dream. This whole thing is like a nightmare, one that I will never wake up from. At first I wished this had never happened that I had never got pregnant but that's not true I am thankful I had 45 days with her, 45 days of dreaming of what our life would be like with her.... because those were the best thoughts that have ever filled my imagination. I am thankful that Chris and I created a life together, thankful for the chance to love her. We have a baby together, she may not be here on earth but we created life and she lives in heaven.

I am so afraid of what the future holds for us, so afraid this isn't the last time I will go through this. We have 7 frozen embryos and we will do a frozen embryo transfer as soon as we're able to. I will be 30 soon and I am not getting any younger, the fear of never giving birth to a life we created looms over me every day. I haven't dreamed about being a mother since childhood to just let that dream go. We will not give up until we have no other choice. God has instilled this desire in my heart and I know he will bless us. I just don't believe we've had to endure journey to not have a blessing come our way.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD.
1 Samuel 27-28

Our sweet angel's heart didn't beat long....
 but this was the sweetest sound I ever heard.